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Original poster

DH working away three days a week

172 replies

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:17

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 10/03/2023 07:23

Can you move or he get another job?

buckingmad · 10/03/2023 07:24

My DH is military so is away a lot. Apart from missing him I actually sometimes find it easier when he’s away 😂 definitely less mess to clear up and I can eat what I want all the time!

Can you afford to get extra help the days he’s gone? A cleaner/dog walker if you have a dog, extra childcare etc? My friend’s husband works away a couple of weeks every few months and they pop the toddler in an extra morning just so my friend can have a few hours to herself.

you’ll cope because you have to. But if it really does get too much then you need to have chat about it. It’s not fair that it all falls to you. Can he have a chat with work about not going in when the new baby is really tiny?

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:26

Both are tricky, to be honest. Moving isn’t completely impossible but we’re very settled here and where the office is isn’t the best of areas. Plus I’d then have to get another job, which I can’t do until January 2025 at the earliest.

Him getting another job isn’t impossible but he works in a fairly niche area, and he’s worked for the company for seventeen years so is very familiar with it and the systems and people.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/03/2023 07:26

It’s not ideal. Can you move closer to his work so that he can commute daily? I’d be looking at those options as there’s no way I’d want my DH doing this.

IkBenDeMol · 10/03/2023 07:26

You'll get used to it. We had a period of DH flying to the other end of the country on a Monday morning and back on a Thursday night. I had 3 under 6 at that point. You get into a routine with it all, and there's no arguments over what to watch on the telly.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:27

@buckingmad i think they will be fine with that leading up to the birth and obviously after that he’ll have paternity leave anyway.

I think in some ways it’s more the logistics of juggling toddler and school aged child in the future. I knew already MOST of it would fall on me but now ALL of it will and it’s going to be tricky! Thanks, though. The military must be tough Flowers

OP posts:
Labraradabrador · 10/03/2023 07:28

Did you know this was a possibility when you moved away from work / he took this job based so far from home? No judgment- we moved out of London and always knew it was a possibility and had discussed how it would work if it happened. I am self employed and can work from anywhere, but DH is tied to an industry with wildly different attitudes towards wfh depending on role/ employer.

he took a role last year that requires a fair amount of travel - think away from home for 3 week stretches. It is an adjustment at first, but you find your own rhythm with the new routine after a while, and it is fine.

I guess your options are to see how it goes and either look for a new job or look to move home if it really isn’t working. Both of those options are really disruptive though. He can also petition his employer, but many are taking a very firm ‘no exceptions’ stance rather than having to negotiate with every single employee.

IkBenDeMol · 10/03/2023 07:29

And also - you have to see the bigger picture/longer term. DH working away in the way he did meant the move into the next job was easier and gave him experience he wouldn't have had any other way. It also meant I started my own business working at home, as working outside the house wasn't an option.

If he wants a successful career with the salary that goes with it, then opportunities have to he seized when they arise.

Switchwitch · 10/03/2023 07:29

Bliss. The worst bit will be weeks when he doesn't have to and he gets in your way.

Theelephantinthecastle · 10/03/2023 07:32

If he has been with the company 17 years they might be willing to make an exception for him. I work for somewhere with a 3 days in the office policy but lots of people have exceptions, has he tried asking for one? So it could be 2 days not 3?

Or a flexible working request of a different sort, e.g. compressed hours so that he could work 5 days in 4, the long days when he's away would be minimally disruptive and then he gets a day off with the kids

Overthebow · 10/03/2023 07:32

If he’s worked there for 17 years how did he manage the commute of he was office working before? Or did you live closer or he was wfh full time?

DustyLee123 · 10/03/2023 07:34

My DH used to go away for 7-10 days at a time, you’ll be fine ! You’ll get into a routine, and probably find he gets in the way of your routine when he’s home !

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/03/2023 07:38

Surely this was expected at some point?

Did you move while he was WFH or something?

carriedout · 10/03/2023 07:39

Has he always WFH, or did he previously commute or previously stay over? If he previously commuted I would tell him that it was not OK to suddenly stop coming home now we had kids.

How far away is work - how long would his daily commute be?

I would be pretty Hmm if staying away was a new arrangement.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:41

@Labraradabrador DH has lived here since 2012. I moved in with him 2017 and we got married and bought a house together just before lockdown. He’s always worked away sometimes but then has WFH if he doesn’t have to be away if that makes sense, only going to the office one day a week to touch base to use an Americanism. So it isn’t related to lockdown, the company ethos is just changing a bit.

Sorry see other posts are saying the same: no, it wasn’t expected!

Don’t get me wrong there are downsides to him WFH and at the moment he’s going into the office twice a week which works. But three days does tip the balance a bit.

OP posts:
HolibobsinApril · 10/03/2023 07:41

You do know that single parents cope right? And often without the second income?

I know it sounds harsh, but you will be fine.

Naunet · 10/03/2023 07:43

Yeah I wouldn’t be thrilled, this isn’t what you signed up for and will impact your own freedom and choices. Yes you could get used to it I’m sure, but frankly, I wouldn’t want to. I think I’d rather move or he find another job.

Naunet · 10/03/2023 07:44

HolibobsinApril · 10/03/2023 07:41

You do know that single parents cope right? And often without the second income?

I know it sounds harsh, but you will be fine.

But she’s not a single parent, so why should she have to do it all alone? Men shouldn’t get a free pass just because single parents exist.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:45

@HolibobsinApril that doesn’t make it OK though, does it? It’s WRONG that some men get to walk away.

I never understand this, it’s like people saying ‘well you know some people get murdered, right?’ Yes, and it’s WRONG and they SHOULDN’T!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/03/2023 07:46

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:41

@Labraradabrador DH has lived here since 2012. I moved in with him 2017 and we got married and bought a house together just before lockdown. He’s always worked away sometimes but then has WFH if he doesn’t have to be away if that makes sense, only going to the office one day a week to touch base to use an Americanism. So it isn’t related to lockdown, the company ethos is just changing a bit.

Sorry see other posts are saying the same: no, it wasn’t expected!

Don’t get me wrong there are downsides to him WFH and at the moment he’s going into the office twice a week which works. But three days does tip the balance a bit.

Ok then I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a discussion about how you both want your lives to be given this change. If you’re not happy with him staying away every week then you either need to o or closer or he gets a new job.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 07:48

It’s quite normal to be expected to go to your workplace a few days a week, if not more. Most people deal with this by taking a job that they can travel to on a daily basis.

I had a period of time where I had to travel with work for a couple of days at a time, but I would not take a job that was based beyond a daily commute. Neither would DH and we wouldn’t want to get used to that. If you do not want to get used to that, then you need to look at either moving or getting new job, there really isn’t any third option.

HolibobsinApril · 10/03/2023 07:49

Single parents aren't just single because the men walk away. You sound hysterical!!

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:50

@Mortimercat i know, I can’t WFH myself.

But this isn’t a case where DH used to go in, then the pandemic happened and he thought he’d move away. He has always worked remotely more than going in.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 10/03/2023 07:51

As this is them changing the expectations then he may be able to negotiate more, they are increasing time in the office. For instance if he's able to take a train, could he count the journey as part of his work time (working on it obviously) so he could commute at least one day, then just stay over one night?

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 07:53

HolibobsinApril · 10/03/2023 07:49

Single parents aren't just single because the men walk away. You sound hysterical!!

You are right there are single parents by choice. But OP is not a single parent by choice or otherwise.

I am not a parent, but I am married and I want to live with my husband every day of the week. Even though yes I do know that other people live alone. It isn’t relevant to my situation though.

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