DH working away three days a week

[Jisforjuice]

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

If you divorce or he leaves you ….. what the heck are you on about? There’s no evidence any of this is likely to happen

God it’s so depressing to read so many comments telling OP she will get used to it, not even acknowledging that it mean she has to sacrifice her own career - women’s careers are not even worth a mention, but everything has to change to work around his.

The evidence is that 40% - 50% of marriages do end in divorce. Silly not even contemplate this being a possibility in the future.

Well I hope the OP doesn’t pay any attention to some of this. Jumping from a young mum worried because her DH is being required to work away part of the week just as they are having their second child, not ideal, but then talking about the ruin of her career, divorce and having to move is just ridiculous.
No wonder we have an epidemic of anxiety in the world today.
OP, if you are still reading, I think it’s very likely you can overcome this challenge and wish you good luck, you snd your husband can do it if you stick together.

I have to agree with this. Divorce feels like a step too far but there does seem to be this default assumption that she must just suck it up. It's going to affect her life massively - she'll be at home alone with a baby and a toddler and she's already said it could really impact her ability to go back to work.

And this is a man who has worked for the same company for almost 20 years, has seniority, and a contract that has long been based on remote working. It doesn't seem odd to think he might have some leverage to say that actually, "no, this doesn't work for me". But he doesn't seem to want to. I bet he's thrilled not to be dealing with night wakings and endless nappies for those first few months.

I disagree. Too many women blindly go along with playing second fiddle to their DHs career and not taking similar opportunities for their own, often because they think they wouldn't be able to make it work alongside DC.

Often not even considering that he can do some of the parenting duties 'because it's not compatible with his job' and 'hers is more flexible' and then they wonder how they've ended up in a position where he has a much better paid job and much better pension than she does.

At least the OP is married so if they do divorce, her sacrifices will be recognised in the settlement.

It doesn’t have to be a permanent situation! The family can navigate the next few months / year etc and then see what needs to be done.

OP, would it be possible for him to work more hours during the days (start earlier/finish later) in the office so he has an earlier finish time on the Friday? You can then at least have some more family time when he is home?

OP I was in your exact shoes. Eldest child was due to start school 6 months after youngest was born. DH worked 3.5 hours away so he left at 5am Mondays and came home late Wednesdays. To give you reassurance, he did that from when DS was 3 weeks old. So I had a pre schooler and a newborn. And I'd had a C-section. It was fine. Some weeks were tough but the baby days pass so fast. I worked 4 days a week from when youngest was 11 months too so I managed school run & nursery, you find a routine.

DH was brilliant hands on when he was here and we managed fine when he wasn't and you will too. We would keep our lifestyle with our lovely house and location and have him away part of the week over the alternative of moving closer. So honestly don't worry too much, it might be easier than you think.

I think it would be worth him asking about a greater degree of flexibility considering he's worked there so long, always lived there and now the goalposts have moved.

I disagree that I'm taking too negative a spin. The OP is clearly concerned or she would t have posted. She has some basis for those concerns whatever they may be. Having young kids is already a huge strain on a marriage. According to the OP he would be back so late on the third night he'd be of no use so it's 3 nights. He's hardly going to get out of the car after a long drive and do tomorrows packed lunches....or maybe he is? Only OP knows that one.

So many women end up 'boiled frog' and end up in a hugely vulnerable position. Don't give what away your own security. If you accept it in the short term it will just become the status quo and is much harder to change. Giving up your own ability to progress your career is something you'd have to truly consider. Having countless 'secure' marriages fall to pieces there's no way I would do this unless you really want to and it doesn't sound like you do.

You move to where he is. If that is the requirement of his job and you both knew his job was not local to where you live and you want to work full time and both have time with the kids - you need to move closer to his job. Then your priorities of equal time at work and with the kids will be met.

Will you be working too OP? I don't think I would be too pleased having to work and sort the kids out while my DH got to just go to work for 3 days and have a quiet life 🤣

I’ve been thinking on this. To me it’s a very ‘For the want of a nail’ situation.

In the short-term, it feels like saying ‘It’s fine, we’ll cope, I’ll be on maternity leave anyway, don’t rock the boat, we can deal with the issues about my work and unequal domestic and childcare responsibilities later.’ But the status quo gets established and suddenly you’re stuck with circumstances you’d never have agreed to. For the want of a nail, the war was lost.

Right now, he’s got a perfect opportunity to say ‘Actually, this negatively changes my T&Cs of work’ and get listened to. In 12 months, not so much.

That’s why I personally would be kicking up a storm with my DH over it.

100% this.
And asking to work 2 days in the office vs. 3 is not too much to ask for is it?
Plenty of people do it, including very senior. It's life. And what's more important than family? In 20-30-40 years your husband won't regret not working harder. But he may regret not prioritising his family.

Honestly OP, I hope you are not being stressed by some of the posts on here. You’ve had a range of opinions, which is the point of the thread I suppose, but too many are of this weird type of ‘demand and insist’ post which seem to think that if your set up is anything less than 50-50 then you should throw out DH.
in a partnership, marriage or family over time there will be changes in circumstances, some chosen and some not. Try out some of the constructive suggestions on here and see how you go.

My friends partner had a similar situation and they negotiated a bit and got things to work a bit better for them in terms of time in the office and time at home.
It's never easy tho especially with little ones - I hope you can come up with a workable solution

My dp works away 2 nights away. It works for us, I appreciate that not everyone would like it. I prefer the nights he is away to the one he is back late as that is the one I feel I don't get enough time with him. When he is completely away I just have the evening to myself.

What makes it work

• He does a school drop off and a school pick up on the other days.
• We use wrap around childcare.
• I make additional contributions to my pension so it has the same building up as if I worked full time.
• He spends time with the kids on weekends, school holidays etc.

It's not perfect, but totally doable.

Are they offering him more money to subsidise additional childcare costs etc?

What are they doing about staff who simply can't commit to 3 days away every week?

OP I've read all your follow up posts and can't see anywhere where you've mentioned how DH feels about this.

Does he want to be away from his wife, his newborn and toddler 3 days a week? Has he expressed that it will be difficult emotionally to be separated from you all?

Under no circumstances would my husband be able to be away from his family for that length of time every week, he'd be miserable and miss us terribly. Something else would have to give. Just think how you would feel being away like that, it'd be a non-starter.

You will be ok, you just have to be more organised and delegate jobs to DH when home. Maybe you AND Dh do some frozen meals for you and dc on the weekend. Have as much ready to go as possible. And make sure DH doesn’t just leave three days if washing for you when he gets home. Assuming he only works normal hours this evenings away are his time to himself, so on nights he is home remember to take a break.

You will cope because once you get into a routine, it gets easier.
My husband has always worked abroad for almost entirely all of our marriage ( 40 years ) he comes home three times per year for two weeks.
Our youngest was 14 weeks old before he clapped eyes on her.
As far as your own work goes, can you afford childcare? Maybe that's an option if so to enable you to return to work yourself.
Try to look at the solution rather than the problem.
It does get easier as you get into a routine.
Time does go pretty quickly and before you know it, he's back home and probably driving you bonkers again. Plus, he will be home for four nights out of the seven, so look at it that he's actually spending more time at home than away percentage wise ( just trying to cheer you up with that )
Regardless of any advice given though, there's only you will know if your situation is suitable for you.
Maybe give it a go for say a month and see how you get on before abandoning the idea altogether.