DH working away three days a week

[Jisforjuice]

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

@HolibobsinApril believing in something firmly and absolutely is not hysterical.

It IS wrong that we just shrug and accept single parents - let’s face it, mothers - have to just get on with things because the men won’t. Very wrong.

How many single mothers live in poverty? How many are unable to work, or limited to low paid and poor conditions?

That doesn’t quite apply to me but it will be very tricky to have both of us working. At the very least, I won’t be able to go FT or up my hours and that will impact me. It certainly doesn’t mean we’ll live in poverty but it will push a narrative I’ve tried to avoid of breadwinner and caregiver.

How many nights? If he can leave early Tuesday and work later hours, then start super early Thursday and be back that evening, I don’t think it’s too bad. If it’s 3-4 nights I think he should look at ways to change his hours to reduce it. Could he work a really long day Wednesday to get away early Thursday for example? If he’s been there 17 years they will likely flex to keep him

I think, considering he’s worked there for 17 years, and your family circumstances (toddler, newborn etc) that he should formally ask his work to remain on what his work pattern is now. Or change to one that suits better

They don’t have to agree, but they might.

Otherwise his options are suck it up or look for a new job

Yeah - it’s Tuesday to Thursday, which actually are the worst possible days to a certain extent.

He does work away a lot and I can and do cope, but things will get more complex with two and it’s a shame for them, to not have dad for almost half the week.

If lockdown/Covid isn’t the reason he WFH and there’s been a change to his contractual terms and conditions then I would probably fight it. I assume remote working is in his contract? They can’t insist on more days at a different place of work.

OP I did this for 6 years with my DD's before we got a live out nanny. You just have to be super organised, getting everything ready the night before, even your own clothes! This before WFH was a thing and the office was an hour away. You'll get into a rhythm that works the you'll get annoyed when DH is there getting in the way 😂

Compressed hours is a good idea. Makes him realise that he's not free to do what he and his employer wants while leaving the OP to pick up the pieces.

His non working day he's primary carer for DC so not free to answer emails, dial in to meetings etc and this gives the OP at least one day a week when she can go to work without having to run around doing pick ups/drop offs/childcare etc so can work or do her own thing.

We have this set-up, although only with one child and it’s me who works away. I just make sure I pull my weight before and after travelling (eg making sure we’ve done all the shopping we need beforehand because it’s trickier or not possible to nip out for a pint of milk), and ensure that DH has some immediate downtime the evening and day after I get back. I always try to WFH the day after I get home so I can get some housework done too. Flexibility is key.

No she doesn’t. No need to be nasty.

Does he stay overnight at the moment when in office for 2 days? What did you both decide when considering he would be in office 2 days? If he was going from never being away it would be a bigger leap, but sounds like it was known he'd be away a bit. My DH used to work away a lot, partly why I set up my own business as it offered all of the flexibility I needed, albeit was savage the first few years.

However much it feels unfair or whatever the options are:

He looks for a new job

You all move

He tries to negotiate with his employer ie 3 days in office but once a fortnight instead of once a week

You find a way to make it work

No reason everything should fall to you on days he is home, but need to set expectations early so that it doesn't end up all falling to you. You get in a rhythm quickly, I found it less stressful at times as less compromises to make- I could set a routine with our children that worked for us without his input hah. I used to enjoy the time he was away although yes juggling is hard, it's doable, plenty of people do.

Why doesn't he make flexible working request? They'll have to think hard to refuse him as there are only limited reasons they can give. You can check out Pregnant then Screwed for advice how to make a good request.

My DH is away either early Monday morning, or late Sunday night until Thursday evening every week.

it’s horrible and I hate it. The kids have got used to it (been happening for several years now).

you have to totally trust the other person, as they will be living half their life somewhere else. You have to be good at connecting back together at weekends, which is tough with little ones. When you’re getting sleepless nights you might start to resent his time away, and he will miss the kids.

If there’s any other way to do it, I’d ask DH not to. (We don’t have a choice due to DH job requirements in 2 different places)

Would 3 split days work better for you, so a Monday in the office back home then Weds/Thurs with an overnight?

I wouldn't be happy with this either. Yes, no doubt you'll cope but why should you? I think you need to sit down and talk this through thoroughly.

Dh worked away mon-fri until recently.if you face time regularly its fine.

So he need only be away Tuesday and Wednesday night?

I point blank would not accept this, OP. I would not. I don't agree with a person in a relationship 'working away' at the best of times. I certainly would not put up with this. I find people in the UK generally seem to think if a trip or commute is longer than half an hour the relative/friend whatever needs to stay over for around a week. I am wondering just how far this commute really is, because people in the UK don't seem able to commute far at all, they really have this allergic reaction to commuting anywhere that takes longer than half an hour. They're very strange. I'm used to commuting for about 2 and a half hours round trip a day. Many people where I am commute for around an hour each way without even thinking it's anything remarkable. It's normal life.

I am wondering how long his commute really is because unless it's like 3 hours or 5 hours or more there is no excuse or reason why he can't commute, like everyone else. Staying there really shouldn't be an option unless absolutely necessary. And if he can do 2, 2 and a half hours a day he should do that.

I don’t think flexible working would work, or if it would only very slightly. It’s just the nature of his work (don’t ask me to explain it because I don’t fully understand it myself!) It’s flexible when he’s at home and I think it would still be fine if a child was unwell or similar. It’s just quite exhausting having little children anyway, and when you’re the one around they gravitate to you anyway!

@ItsShiela yes and no, it’s around 2 hours in peak traffic. That means leaving at just before 7 and he regularly doesn’t get back until half seven. Which leads onto @LIZS point that yes he might be back Thursday evening but not early enough to be any practical help to me! Not that it’s not nice to see him but selfishly I’m thinking of me doing all the child related work.

But if he's in the office two days a week now and it's fine, why can't he request to continue that?

You'll get used to it, settle into your own routine and begin to get annoyed when he is home and disrupts it
You'll be fine op.

I can well imagine how upset you are, primarily because the change will severely impact your options.

I definitely do not think he should not push back on this.

They are unilaterally charging his working conditions without discussion after 17 years.

Why would he not lay out that this will have a huge impact on his young family?

You have every right to be very upset when it will negatively impact your career and options.

I would be making it very clear to your husband you are not happy with this.

What if your job did something comparable?

I would not be accepting default parenthood without a huge serious conversation.

I think your husband is very wet if he accepts this.

2 hours is easily doable. There is absolutely no reason for him not to commute. No reason at all. Needing to stay over for a measly 2 hours is absurd. He needs to learn to adult and commute what is a reasonable distance like everyone else. If my husband wanted to stay over because he wasn't adult enough to commute that distance, I'd be embarrassed.

He could I suppose @ChildcareIsBroken but I’ve seen the email, it’s very clear that it’s three days and also they’ve specified which three days, so that takes away some more flexibility.

@ItsShiela whether he commutes or not makes no difference to me, really, as he’d leave too early and get back too late to help with the children. I mean yeah, I could insist he doesn’t stay over but it wouldn’t actually do any good and would actually mean he’s more tired, fuel costs higher, so any impact would be negative.