DH working away three days a week

[Jisforjuice]

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

Has he made a flexible working request? Has he had a conversation with his bosses, or has he just accepted this change?

As another poster said, I'd be making sure childcare is in place for a few hours a week. (Im a single parent and do it on my own, but as you said; why should you do it alone when you're in a two parent family?!).

@Jisforjuice

I think it's ok to not be ok with it.

You are used to doing it with him away anyway but I guess it will be different with a newborn and 2 yo. If baby is due June can he negotiate to not work away July and Aug?

To your point about juggling a school age child and toddler down the line.
It's worth ensuring you've got a good support network with other school mums. I know it's not yet but start early with relationships as you will likely need them at some point when you can't get your child to school because younger one is too sick (had this experience many times myself as solo parent).

And as a solo parent just because I have to manage due to circumstances you shouldn't have to as well.

I'd want to know how the balance of jobs will be. He will get two nights a week with full sleep. No time restrictions etc. a set up is needed such that he actually contributes when home and doesn't do stupidly long days hidden away. Perhaps he could do long days on the days away and so have time off to do nursery school runs on other days.

Good luck with it.

He needs to push back on the expectation. It sounds like he’s not going to - is that right?

In his situation, I would be pushing back. I think most mothers would.

@outwiththeoldinwiththenewish , I haven’t explained everything behind it but in brief, the problem is that with a flexible working request they are trying to avoid everyone doing the same, I think. And career wise it could be difficult.

We possibly should look at moving but can’t even start to look until we’ll over a year and not ideal, not least because we do like where we live!

You get used to it, my DH regularly works away 4 nights per week. I work 3.5 days per week and we have 2 DCs. I hated it at first but we just got into a routine and now I quite like it as long as I know in advance. Admittedly my DCs were older when it started (3 and 9) and I have family close by. If he ever has to do longer it can drag a bit.

Do you have a good support network? I think with a newborn getting into a routine will be key.

the problem is that with a flexible working request they are trying to avoid everyone doing the same, I think. And career wise it could be difficult.

That’s taking on a company issue and making it a personal concern. Of course they don’t fancy everyone doing the same, but nevertheless the option is there, in law, and he should take it.

Is this really his only job option in his career sector?

I don’t know enough about it all @NoSquirrels tbh. I think the thing is that he has a certain amount of goodwill in the company due to his longevity but as well as this he is quite senior so has to set an example.

Support network is a tricky one … no family. We do have friends but not necessarily ones who could help because they have commitments too!

Well if commuting makes no difference you either move or he takes another job.

Or manage it … which is probably the only realistic option at the moment!

I definitely agree with this! It brings out the control freak in me 😂

Time to find out more, then? Seniority actually ought to work in his favour. If the thing they’re trying to do that he’s ‘setting an example’ for is actively shit for the workforce and will lead to issues then I’d wonder why he wanted to set an example not push back.

He doesn’t only have a responsibility to his employer. He has a responsibility to you and his children. You didn’t sign up to be a SAHP and your lives are not organised on that basis.

Hard conversations ahead. I’d be vocally extremely unhappy at this point if I were you.

Well yeah. It really doesn't do any harm to try..

Not saying he should just dump a fully typed up request on his boss's desk but more have a conversation with his boss along the lines of:

I have worked here a long time, I really like working here
Big part of it with a young child and another on the way is the work life balance
If I put in a flexible working request to work 2 days a week, would you consider it?
If not, I will realistically need to start looking for other options

My DH is the only person at his level who works 4 days a week. They initially told him it couldn't be done. He said, ok, then I will look for a different role, they magically made it work

If he is good at his job and valued, they won't dismiss it out of hand

If this happened to you, would you just be "oh dear, DH you'll have to cope without me for most of the week" or would you actually try to find another way?

I think there will be flexibility to some extent, but he will be expected to be in three days a week. Being realistic here he could make it formal but it could impede future career progression as well. Hard to say.

If even asking about it will impede his career progression, this is a shit place to work

What’s it doing to your future career progression? If not immediately (given imminent maternity leave) but in the medium to long term?

If you buy the ‘but my career will suffer’ stuff from him now then that’s it for the rest of your child-raising years. You’ll always be second-fiddle to his career.

That’s why I’d be so unhappy. Life is long and these decisions have ripple effects.

In the short term maybe you have to suck it up but I would be asking him to think carefully about what the future looked like and how to change it - house move, job move, etc - if his long-term plan is ‘Jis will deal with it’.

Throwing around misogynistic insults isn’t actually making the rational and compelling point you might think

That’s not quite what I said, though.

I know in an ideal world, every job would be flexible, but they just aren’t. Who’s heard of the PM being in a job share? I teach: in all the time I’ve been teaching (many, many years) i have only come across one member of senior management who are part time. I know it’s wrong, but most jobs with high salaries are full time.

DH works 4.5hrs drive away. Its actually better now then when DDs were young as now he is hybrid rather than completely in.

He works longer hours on Tuesday and Wednesday, and starts early on Monday and Thursday, so he can leave home after school on Monday and be home at 8pm on Thursday. If he's using the train, he works on the train.

Practically at home... he always took them out on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours (getting longer as breastfeeding gaps went longer).
Toddler went to nursery two mornings a week.
We found our own routine. Easier in a way, as we didn't need to fit it to any ones working hours.

I was the one that worked away, it was how my career was then children. OH was the one left to cope. I didn't like being away from the children when they were so small but OH was more than capable.

It's just something you get used to. If it's a problem then either move or get him to change jobs.

But he isn’t saying it @NoSquirrels . I am.

I really wish I could say here how wrong it is that I’m disadvantaged and it is, but it’s the doing of the world not DH. And mine, as I’m afraid my talents don’t lie in high paid fields. As a result, he earns a lot more, and probably always will.

The PM isn't but the Permanent Secretary (top post) at a government department (DCMS) is a job share

He definitely won't get any flex if he doesn't ask.

He needs to speak to ACAS I’m not sure that they can suddenly change the terms of his employment after 17 years

he seems very wedded to his current employer. I think you both need to explore what you want longterm and how this role does (and does not) support your current and future lifestyles

And yeah … I think the most important things are that firstly, he understands that looking after preschool children is tough going and gives me a break accordingly and also that I don’t end up with my work being seen as a mere afterthought.

We shall see. I was surprised and taken aback with this turn of events and suppose I just wanted to share a bit!

I think he should ask. He asks, if they say no then he knows where he stands.

I think the idea that asking for flexible working harms your career is pretty dark ages now.

They sound a bit of a shit company.

Is part of the problem that you were already feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking about childcare in general with the new baby, and this has just compounded your stress? It is a tricky age combo, but it won’t be that way for long. From 3yo-ish it becomes a lot less intense (in my experience anyways!) and you can expect a lot more in terms of them entertaining themselves and starting to take care of basic needs. It isn’t a cake walk, but every week/ month is a little bit easier. If your DH can get some extra flexibility around paternity leave - asking for a fixed time period is likely to be better received by employer - it gives you support to get through the roughest patch?

and then you just need to figure out ways to put support / short cuts in place for the 3 days - Cook frozen meals/ batch cook / convenience food, a cleaner, extra time at nursery etc. I think your husband should also agree to balancing the load a bit on the days he is home and taking on more home/child responsibilities. There are lots of different ways to make it fair and avoid the carer/breadwinner divide if that’s your priority

totally get why it feels so overwhelming, but it probably isn’t as bad as you are thinking. If it just really doesn’t work, then you can look at more drastic solutions.