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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH working away three days a week

172 replies

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:17

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

OP posts:
NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:51

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:45

So she has to give up her job because of biology?! WTF??

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Well other options have been discussed and she/they can choose one of them. What I am saying is she doesn't have to but it is the way many people live. I sometimes wonder what kind of blinkered world some MN people live in.

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:54

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:25

I think it’s expecting way too much of you, to take on most of the child care and compromise your own career, but if you’re happy to do that just for his work, that’s up to you. I wouldn’t though.

This is your line of thought and that is fine for you. You just need to accept that everyone doesn't live or think the way you do for a variety of reasons.

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:56

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:51

Well other options have been discussed and she/they can choose one of them. What I am saying is she doesn't have to but it is the way many people live. I sometimes wonder what kind of blinkered world some MN people live in.

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Yes many people do live that way, with the woman’s career being treated as less important, and it’s why many women end up living in poverty.

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:56

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:54

This is your line of thought and that is fine for you. You just need to accept that everyone doesn't live or think the way you do for a variety of reasons.

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Err, that’s why I said it’s her choice…

LatteToday · 10/03/2023 09:57

@Goldenbear from someone who knows how hard it is I’m sending an unmumsnetty hug and flowers.

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 09:57

I have to admit that I would not be happy with this and I also would be insisting that DH push back. After 17 years, mostly working remotely, it's actually completely unacceptable that they've changed his working conditions like this and I think it's outrageous that he's not pushing back. Women seldom get that choice - they have to push back even if that means consequences.

And no, I would not have been okay with DH being away for 2 or 3 nights when I had a toddler and a baby. I know lots of people do it, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't have married someone in that situation and I'm 100% sure I would not have agreed to have children. I was quite happy not to have children - DH really wanted them and part of the pre-kids conversation was that I was never going to be the person left at home.

It's clear you don't seem to think he can/should push back. I think you're wrong.

But if you're both just going to accept it, you need to consider how you're going to manage. And, in particular, when you are finished your mat leave. Ideally, if you are in a situation where at least one parent would struggle to be available in mornings/evenings consistently, a nanny is a better choice - someone who turns up as you're rolling out the door at 7:30 and sorts the kids out.

In the short term, ensure you're outsourcing what you can. And also that your DH understands that when he IS home, he doesn't get to bleat about how tired he is from 3 hectic days in the office but instead needs to get stuck in immediately.

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 09:58

Actually, the more I think about this, the more angry I am that your Dh, and his workplace, think this is acceptable. I wonder how the women he works with are finding this new rule?

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:59

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:56

Yes many people do live that way, with the woman’s career being treated as less important, and it’s why many women end up living in poverty.

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but not all...

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:59

Naunet · 10/03/2023 09:56

Err, that’s why I said it’s her choice…

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Yes but you are still WTF-ing about it.

Naunet · 10/03/2023 10:00

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 09:59

but not all...

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Are you just here to point out the bloody obvious now?! I said many, not all.

vivaespanaole · 10/03/2023 10:02

I think there is a real reluctance from men to be seen to 'rock the boat' in any way at work. But then they don't have to as we pick up the pieces.

He should absolutely discuss his concerns about this with his boss. It doesn't have to be critical or negative or toys out of the pram. It can just be a coffee and saying I understand the initiative and what we are trying to achieve but it's comes at a really tricky time in family life with a new baby due and distance and the need to stay over. Is there any flex/alternatives. And I am trying to juggle both. He might be surprised by their response. If they are inflexible and dig their heels in-nothing is lost. Do they actually fully understand his personal situation?

I think to have raised it first, then it's a bit easier if the odd week he can't make it if you are Ill etc and he needs to wfh instead.

Also these new initiatives always start guns blazing. And then fizzle out slowly and a bit of flex creeps in. So don't panic yet.

dontdoiiiit · 10/03/2023 10:05

My DH works away 5 days a week. He cannot work from home, not an option in his line of work.

You get used to it, my ds still misses him and he's been doing it for years 😥

NevieSticks · 10/03/2023 10:05

Naunet · 10/03/2023 10:00

Are you just here to point out the bloody obvious now?! I said many, not all.

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Wow you do seem to be worked up....

Blossomtoes · 10/03/2023 10:07

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 09:58

Actually, the more I think about this, the more angry I am that your Dh, and his workplace, think this is acceptable. I wonder how the women he works with are finding this new rule?

They probably don’t live a two hour journey away from where they work.

golddustwomen · 10/03/2023 10:09

@Naunet

You're totally right, that will teach me for not RTFT Grin

HikingforScenery · 10/03/2023 10:10

HolibobsinApril · 10/03/2023 07:49

Single parents aren't just single because the men walk away. You sound hysterical!!

She’s not single, so how is your comparison relevant?

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 10:14

Blossomtoes · 10/03/2023 10:07

They probably don’t live a two hour journey away from where they work.

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I don't know, I've met plenty of people who have worked remotely since before Covid and who did so because they didn't want to live close to their workplace. Those people would all be pretty unhappy if they suddenly had to go back to the office for 3 days a week.

I've also met people who post covid have had their employers decide they'll be moving to a wfh model/hybrid model and who have made decisions about where to live accordingly. If their employers now changed their mind, that would be a huge issue for them.

Goldenbear · 10/03/2023 10:16

I would say that it isn't just childcare, I'm really lonely in my marriage with the working away arrangement and I don't think it is sustainable.

Blossomtoes · 10/03/2023 10:18

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 10:14

I don't know, I've met plenty of people who have worked remotely since before Covid and who did so because they didn't want to live close to their workplace. Those people would all be pretty unhappy if they suddenly had to go back to the office for 3 days a week.

I've also met people who post covid have had their employers decide they'll be moving to a wfh model/hybrid model and who have made decisions about where to live accordingly. If their employers now changed their mind, that would be a huge issue for them.

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That may well be the case but the bottom line is that no business exists to keep its employees happy. Business decisions are made in the interest of the business and if needs change policies are varied accordingly.

JussathoB · 10/03/2023 10:25

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 10:14

I don't know, I've met plenty of people who have worked remotely since before Covid and who did so because they didn't want to live close to their workplace. Those people would all be pretty unhappy if they suddenly had to go back to the office for 3 days a week.

I've also met people who post covid have had their employers decide they'll be moving to a wfh model/hybrid model and who have made decisions about where to live accordingly. If their employers now changed their mind, that would be a huge issue for them.

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You are right, and I sympathise with people who are going to find this difficult. However there is definitely a trend amongst employers to try and get more people back in the office more often. And there’s a growing realisation that while some jobs can be done well from home, a lot of jobs require time in the office

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 10:27

Blossomtoes · 10/03/2023 10:18

That may well be the case but the bottom line is that no business exists to keep its employees happy. Business decisions are made in the interest of the business and if needs change policies are varied accordingly.

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True. But businesses cannot succeed if they piss off their people and lose the best ones and can't recruit new good ones. Which is why finding ways to attract and retain staff is such an important part of any business.

Its also why a lot of City firms currently are really struggling - they want their people to come back, their people are refusing, and there's not a whole lot the firm can do. They're at an impasse.

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 10:28

JussathoB · 10/03/2023 10:25

You are right, and I sympathise with people who are going to find this difficult. However there is definitely a trend amongst employers to try and get more people back in the office more often. And there’s a growing realisation that while some jobs can be done well from home, a lot of jobs require time in the office

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Yes, but OP's DH has ALWAYS worked mostly remotely, since long before Covid. So now they are changing the terms of his employment, after he's been there for 17 years? This is a huge issue.

If a firm used to require you to be in the office, changed for covid and now want you back, that's a different thing (and as I said above, many firms are still struggling with this). But this is NOT the case here.

Lcb123 · 10/03/2023 10:30

Wouldn’t bother me - and it can’t be entirely unexpected. If your job is based at an office location they could always make you go there a certain amount. It’s only 1 or 2 nights a week. We have that anyway most weeks due to socialising

Sarain · 10/03/2023 10:32

Nope. I wouldn't take this option. It's going to limit your ability to work FT and set up the dynamic of everything to do with house and kids as yours. He simply won't be there enough to be that involved. He's going to be a part time Dad at best. I would either get him to look for a new job or if he's not willing then move. If you divorce or he leaves you'll have to move anyway! Do it now and give your family its best chance.

JussathoB · 10/03/2023 10:38

Sarain · 10/03/2023 10:32

Nope. I wouldn't take this option. It's going to limit your ability to work FT and set up the dynamic of everything to do with house and kids as yours. He simply won't be there enough to be that involved. He's going to be a part time Dad at best. I would either get him to look for a new job or if he's not willing then move. If you divorce or he leaves you'll have to move anyway! Do it now and give your family its best chance.

This post -Sarain- is making far too many assumptions and putting everything in an extremely negative light. The situation is not that bad, two nights away is not a part time husband, and the set up can be temporary and can be adapted in the future.

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