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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH working away three days a week

172 replies

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 07:17

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/03/2023 08:36

Oh 2 hours commute? That really isn’t too bad for three days per week, why would he have to stay away?

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:37

It wouldn’t make any difference if he did, but we’d lose money for fuel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:37

And it’s four hours total, two hours there and back.

OP posts:
ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 08:38

Before I got my licence, I had to catch the 6:05am bus (rural area, only one bus a day in and back) which got into our nearest city at 7:25am. Other capital city commuters continued on via train for another 45-55 mins to get to the major city by 9am. Bus came home every night at just before 6:30pm every night. Did that for 4 years. So did/do many others. We didn't even think about it or think it was unusual. Many family men and women do that same commute every day to this day.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:39

Am I speaking a language no one understands here? 😂

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 08:39

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:37

And it’s four hours total, two hours there and back.

It is a longer than average commute, however I have commuted 90 minutes each way for decades. I would not be even contemplating staying overnight elsewhere for the sake of a two hour commute.

Badbudgeter · 10/03/2023 08:41

If he needs to be in the office 3 days is there be much flexibility in the hours. He could work later on Tues / Wed finish early on Thursday and be home in time to help for example.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 08:41

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:39

Am I speaking a language no one understands here? 😂

What? How bluddy rude, when you have had lots of very sensible answers as far as I can tell.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:41

I’m definitely not being understood here but I’ll try one more time.

  1. we would lose money due to fuel costs
  2. dh would not be around to help with the children which is my main concern as they’d be in bed when he came back and he’d have no time in the morning
OP posts:
ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 08:42

2 hours each way is a fair bit, yeah. But if it's only 3 days he should be able to put up with it. I would ask him to at least try say for a month trial. To commute each of those 3 days for a month and see how he goes.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:42

@Mortimercat i wasn’t trying to be rude and I’m really sorry if that’s how it came across. I was trying to be humorous and obviously misfired. But I have explained several times now that even if DH doesn’t commute it won’t make any difference at all, even if I insist he comes home it won’t help.

OP posts:
Courgeon · 10/03/2023 08:42

This was my life pretty much when DC were little. Stressful at times but we settled into our own rhythm. They're teenagers now and he WFH, it's driving me mad essentially having x 4 adults in the house all the time. I hated him being away at first but very very quickly got used to it. We had no choice with him working away, he had to accept the work wherever it was which was at least 3 hours commute.

I've been offered work 2 hours away and I absolutely would stay over.... More than an hour's commute is out of the question when it comes to quality of life.

The main issue was the weekends, he would just want to be at home (understandable) and I'd want to go out as in every evening during the week with young DC. Or he wanted us to do everything together and I wanted time to myself as I'd been working and childcare all week on my own. So the dynamics became a bit tricky

pawz · 10/03/2023 08:44

Ooo it's a bit annoying OP! My DH works away too (no DC yet) and it's anything from 1-7 nights a week depending what's going on with the company.

It's tough to do a lot of things alone, even without DC in the mix! I think you'll be able to make it work, as long as the days he's home he's happy to do the majority of things so it's balanced - with DC, about the house etc. He needs to be prepped for his nights away (packed early, communicate plans with you etc) and when he gets back he needs to jump back into the swing of things ASAP to contribute 😊

Lots of families work this way, whilst it's not ideal for some it can work if you're both open and willing to make sacrifices. Always worth a 6 month trial and if you don't enjoy it you can reconsider from there!

AllOfThemWitches · 10/03/2023 08:45

ANY woman who decides to have children should consider 'will I be able to cope with this alone if I have to?' If the answer is no, don't have children.

ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 08:45

But what you'd save on petrol you'd just spend on accommodation anyway. So he may as well just commute and be home in his own bed instead of paying someone else for accommodation. Part of having a job is commute costs. That's just a fact of life.

NewtoHolland · 10/03/2023 08:45

My OH works 4 hrs away 2 days a week. I have 3 kids 1 is under 1, mostly it's ok, I quite like my own space and routine without having to factor in another adult..but obviously there are some days when it's tough. It does mean less flexibility. I do insist that he doesn't come back moaning about tiredness having had 2 night's sleep in a hotel! But it mostly works for us.

Courgeon · 10/03/2023 08:46

Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:41

I’m definitely not being understood here but I’ll try one more time.

  1. we would lose money due to fuel costs
  2. dh would not be around to help with the children which is my main concern as they’d be in bed when he came back and he’d have no time in the morning

I've not read the full thread op but totally get you. He'd get up before the morning mission and arrive home after they're in bed and be wasting time and money on travelling and fuel. Long commutes are the stuff of nightmares and I won't work more than an hour away from home anymore.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/03/2023 08:46

AllOfThemWitches · 10/03/2023 08:45

ANY woman who decides to have children should consider 'will I be able to cope with this alone if I have to?' If the answer is no, don't have children.

ANY PERSON who decides to have children should consider 'will I be able to cope with this alone if I have to?' If the answer is no, don't have children.

Fixed it for you.

Why is it all on the OP? Why doesn't the children's father have to think about how this will all work, beyond assuming that the OP will take it all on?

AllOfThemWitches · 10/03/2023 08:47

BarbaraofSeville · 10/03/2023 08:46

ANY PERSON who decides to have children should consider 'will I be able to cope with this alone if I have to?' If the answer is no, don't have children.

Fixed it for you.

Why is it all on the OP? Why doesn't the children's father have to think about how this will all work, beyond assuming that the OP will take it all on?

Show quote history

Be realistic though, it's usually the man who fucks off.

Original poster
Jisforjuice · 10/03/2023 08:48

Company pay for the hotel though @ItsShiela whereas fuel has to be self funded. There’s nothing at all to be gained by insisting he comes home. I honestly wasn’t trying to be rude at all but sometimes threads do get weirdly fixated on one small detail and often even if you changed that it wouldn’t actually change the issue you’re posting about, if you see what I mean. The issue here is childcare. I mean, on an emotional level I’m sure I’ll miss DH but I’m not a lovesick teen and I’ll be fine without him, it just does mean my work is going to be tricky at best.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 08:48

I find people in the UK generally seem to think if a trip or commute is longer than half an hour the relative/friend whatever needs to stay over for around a week.

🙄

Isthisexpected · 10/03/2023 08:49

Do talk about how to look after the relationship too because it'll easily turn into co-parenting and you can lose the romantic feelings. This can be hard to recover from.

Theelephantinthecastle · 10/03/2023 08:49

I still don't understand why he can't put in a flexible working request. Very hard for them to turn it down based on business need given that he can show he has been doing the job just fine up to now.

Either for 2 days in the office or for 4 days compressed hours, either would help you.

They might not even mind! Seems bizarre not to make a push for it and I 100% guarantee that women in his position would already have done it

GOODCAT · 10/03/2023 08:51

I think that is very tough. In terms of making it work, it has to be team work when he is home with you getting a proper break, but that doesn't help day to day.

He could submit a formal flexible working request. If that doesn't work, in your position I would want a plan that means he is not away so much within a time frame that you can live with.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/03/2023 08:52

We tried this last year and it really didn't work for us. I just ended up hating him for having evenings to himself while I was stuck doing everything for our small children with no support. Maybe if I'd had family nearby or we'd been able to afford a nanny it would have been ok.