DH working away three days a week

[Jisforjuice]

Feeling a bit rubbish about this. As from next month, DH has to be in the office three days a week, and because of the distance from home he will be staying over.

I know that this is the case for some, it’s just it isn’t really expected. We have a 2 yo and I’m expecting another in June. Not sure what I’m asking here … it’s a worry how I’ll juggle everything on my own!

But this impacts her own career, why is that fine? Why should she just get used to it?

So the implicit agreement between you both has always been that his career is more important?

Fair enough then, if you’re happy with that.

I would prefer not to have an argument with you @NoSquirrels . Please don’t

No, that’s not the case and that’s not what I want to happen. But if he’s away three days a week it’s going to be difficult for it to have no impact whatsoever on my work. That’s one of the reasons I am posting.

However, insisting he doesn’t do this - whether by giving up work, finding another job, flexible working, will also impact on his career and ability to earn and he does earn more than me. And I do need to think of the family as a whole.

I think it’s expecting way too much of you, to take on most of the child care and compromise your own career, but if you’re happy to do that just for his work, that’s up to you. I wouldn’t though.

FWIW, I’m a contractor and a few places that I’ve worked for years and have always had a predominantly remote/1 day a week in the office view are now requiring everyone to be in three days at least.

I’m currently deliberating whether to turn down a good contract as a result… DH would have to totally hold the fort. We’ve got the added complication of wanting a second baby at some point in the next year, too.

It’s really rubbish but it does seem to be becoming more standard. Perhaps a result of all the reports saying most people don’t work better from home? Or because they want to feel they get more return from office space? Who knows.

No one is saying you should "insist" but it seems bloody ridiculous for him not to even ask the question at work because it might possibly maybe vaguely harm his career progression. If he asks and the answer is yes, of course, that's fine, wouldn't that be great?

He absolutely won't be the only one asking, if it's a company wide sudden change. They can't hold them all back career wise..

What are his thoughts out of interest? Has he spoken to work at all to explore if there's any flex? Has he put forward any ideas for how he foresees supporting you in terms of your career and with the children? Is he happy for this over looking for a new job? There are very few jobs that are truly niche, and those that are can be money spinners if you go it alone and work independently. You're a partnership and I get he is the high earner and stuff but he should still be thinking about these things and supporting you to work through them rather than it just being the way it is.

Women speak to their employers all of the time about stuff like this because they have to, why does he feel he should be able to work as if he's single with no responsibilities?

You'll be fine, you'll work out your own routine and it won't even be a thing in a short time.
In my experience, my husband was in the army and we weren't married so lived apart for the majority of the time. He now works abroad for months at a time. We have 5 children, we just get on with things and he fits in to our schedule whenever he's home. You might even enjoy the time to yourself eventually!

I’m not arguing with you, honestly.

Im saying, if your view (as it seems to come across to me here, with what you’ve said) is that because he is higher paid that his career should be more highly valued (in terms of not inconveniencing his employer with flexible requests, risking his goodwill etc) then that’s OK. Lots of women and families do work on that basis.

It sucks that it will impact you and your work, but you’ve recognised that. But you’ll have to accept it if the alternative (asking him to push back) is not a goer.

You’ll know if he’s a good bloke who shares fairly in chores, childcare etc when he is around.

It isn’t (or shouldn’t be) that it’s more highly valued.

But you do have to sometimes be practical. If someone offered you a prize of a million pounds or a really amazing holiday, the million pounds would probably be the better investment for the family even though the holiday would be more immediately enjoyable. I know that’s probably a really bad example, but even if I got promotion after promotion I still wouldn’t earn as much as DH, so if it ever came to it that one of us had to give up work it would be me on that basis.

That is wrong but it would be bull headed to insist we all had less money and a poorer quality of life just to make a point.

He does she keep her career then and make that work?

After you are back at work, he can be responsible for more of the child related tasks on his WFH days. (Drop offs and pick ups, extracurricular activities, sick days etc)

If he can work 8-4, not 9-5, that could help too.

Honestly... the theory sounds more daunting than the reality.

There’s no need to take any drastic decisions. It may be that in the longer term you may want to move or your DH may seek a different job, but those decisions will have to wait for a while.
Priority is for you both to manage the transition to being a family of 4 successfully. So concentrate on parental leave plans, practical arrangements as other pps have suggested eg nursery, cleaners etc, batch cooking, and call in extra support from family and friends if you can so you have company or back up support while the new baby is young.
Review the situation in a year.

No one is saying that your DH should quit his job.

It's a bit of an exaggeration to talk about asking about flexible working as if it is the same thing as throwing a hand grenade at your career, this isn't the 70s

And what happens if one day you were to split up? Let’s not pretend that’s a rare thing. Then, because you’ve sacrificed your own earning potential, you’ll be in a worse position.

I just think it’s such a mistake to make this sacrifice for his benefit, without at least exploring every other option. What has he said about the impact on your career?

In reality what would you expect him to do? Give up his job and sit at home with her? Work in a lesser role so he can do his daily 50%? There are MASSES of people who work jobs who are not at home every day - military, contract workers, people who travel abroad, to name just a few. This is just life for some people and it is sometimes rewarded by higher salaries and the partner ( usually the wife admittedly) just get on with it because it is THEIR life. Welcome to the real world.

Look, I know what you’re saying (overall cost-benefit of different earning careers) but in your situation I’d still be insisting my DH pushed back on the expectation. But that’s my marriage and my views, not yours. I’m not right/wrong.

The only important thing is that whatever goes on in your marriage/parenting partnership/careers both sides feel the same way, or if they don’t they discuss it and find a compromise that works.

Isn’t that exactly what she’s being expected to do? Is it different because she’s female?

We have a similar set up but it is often Monday to Friday. However, my DC are nearly 16 and 11 it is not really a childcare issue in terms of bedtime but my eldest is about to do GCSEs and despite being very capable there's reassurance and good food needed to help with the studying, there's being a listening ear with friendship concerns. There is my youngest who obviously still needs parental care, lots of help with endless homework. His absence is not good tbh. If you are concerned only be his help I can see your rationale but I am married and want to actually see my husband. It was ok at first but now we have separate lives and I'm really struggling. My DH is not good at communicating though and I don't hear from him in the evenings. If you can keep that togetherness up then yes it will probably work.

The point in reality is that someone has to do it. He cannot be at home pregnant! Such is life.

You are putting your career second, based only on money, but that is not a choice every family makes, certainly not the choice we made.

I personally would not make this choice as I consider equity and shared care more important than pure money, over and above the level our family needs.

The way you are thinking is a key reason men still progress further and earn more in their careers, but you get to make the choices for your family.

So she has to give up her job because of biology?! WTF??

I get why you are feeling anxious but tbh it is what it is and now you just need to find ways to make it easier for yourself.

When will your eldest start nursery?

If he’s staying in a hotel then you could potentially go with him whilst on maternity leave.

You could even look into getting a babysitter just for a couple of hours on the 2nd day so you can have a shower, nap, go for a run etc.

My sister was in an almost identical situation and her partner was very much the hands on parent whilst she was more of a hands off parent.
However, she absolutely loves it!

She said nothing beats having the house to yourself but still having the security of the second wage, knowing he’s coming back, him helping around the house and with childcare etc when he is around.
Theres a massive difference between being a single parent and someone who’s partner works away.

He wanted to change his job so he could be home more and she even talked him out of it!

This. After 11 years of mine being away from home Monday to Friday I really resented him being here all the time. You’ll be fine OP.