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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 09/03/2023 20:49

Hobbi · 09/03/2023 20:46

YABVVU with your phobia of full stops. I'm out of breath.

X post. Soz 😂

Mumof1andacat · 09/03/2023 20:50

Just say he has to sleep on the sofa/air bed in the lounge if you don't want them sleeping in the same room. No need to make a song and dance about it

Sapphire387 · 09/03/2023 20:51

Why on earth are you so bothered by your daughter having sex with her boyfriend in your house anyway? Seriously. What actually bothers you about it? Surely you just treat it in the same way you treat your own sex life. Everyone needs to be discreet so as not to bother others. That's about it.

M08my · 09/03/2023 20:53

Op doesn't care about sex before marriage. She doesn't mind her DD doing that on holiday. Just "not under my roof" because of "respect" - it's a control thing.

I'm just so, so glad my own mum wasn't like this.

And when my DD is older I'd much, much rather she was with her boyfriend, who I'd take the time to get to know, in the safety of my own home rather than having to stay out for a night potentially in someone else's seedy flatshare where the BF might have creepy housemates or there's recreational drugs about.

It's not a case of "disrespect".

Choconut · 09/03/2023 20:53

God even my old fashioned parents would have accepted I was an adult at 18 and having sex and allowed this. I would have been pretty pissed off if they hadn't and am not surprised she's acting like that. I think's it's you OP that needs to grow up and get over yourself. If you don't want them having sex next door then just ask them not to. If you do hear them THEN they will have been disrespectful and then you can say he's not staying any more. Although I don't know at what point it will stop being disrespectful - or are you never going to let him stay round? Even if they're married with kids?

Currently they haven't been disrespectful and it's sad IMO that you don't trust your dd to control herself for one night at your house.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:53

I did say he sleeps on sofa bed however she said no to that

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/03/2023 20:55

"Your child, your rules"

Well, if you carry on this way, she'll probably move out and stop talking to you completely, so you won't have a child to dictate your rules to.

M08my · 09/03/2023 20:55

By the way, you telling her not to have sex (in a particular place or time) is what is disrespectful (and intrusive and creepy). Butt out of her sex life, she's an adult. As long as she's safe and happy, it's nothing to do with you

NannyGythaOgg · 09/03/2023 20:55

  1. Were you a virgin when you got married - if not hypocrite

  2. What do you think they are actually going to be doing in a bed, in your house, near to puritanical parents/guardians when, after getting up at around 3 am, they have 4 days; as adults; in a hotel; coming up.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 09/03/2023 20:57

It’s your house so it’s your rules and there is nothing wrong with your rule. My opinion on this topic is so different to the majority. Even though they are technically adults according to the law and society, and I fully recognize that it is their decision (although in your house, they should respect your rules on this), I personally think the teen years are too young to be having sex. 21, 22 is a more mature age and I will risk being stoned on here for also believing that it is best to wait for sex until after marriage with someone who is stable, mature, and a good person. My ds just began dating and he’s 18. I’ve talked to him about being a gentleman and respecting a woman’s boundaries and never ever pushing himself on someone or pushing a woman to do anything. He agrees with this. It’s about respecting the fact that sex is how we create new humans, and not just pleasure only. That’s part of it but it’s not to be the sole consideration. Romantic love includes that but it’s more than that.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/03/2023 20:57

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

Has she told you she's going to have sex?

Do you have sex?

MyMumsOnMN · 09/03/2023 21:00

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

Why are you so certain they're going to shag at yours in the couple of hours they're going to have before they leave?

They've got 4 days of that without having to do it sneakily.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/03/2023 21:01

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

And just because he is staying in her bed it doesn’t mean they will.

You are entitled to whatever rule you want in your house but you also need to accept that your daughter is also entitled to feel annoyed about it and move it.

DNAshelicase · 09/03/2023 21:01

OP: goes on AIBU
OP: AIBU?
everyone: Yes.
OP: draws deep breath to prepare for a long and full stop-less rant
OP: No I’m not something about respect dhdvshejdjdbdjfkkfmfjfjfjfn

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/03/2023 21:01

Should say move out

ActDottie · 09/03/2023 21:01

Omg seriously she’s an adult and has sex! Let him stay over! I don’t understand how it can be disrespectful

OnTheBoardwalk · 09/03/2023 21:02

4am start before a holiday swinging from the chandeliers, I don’t think they'll be having sex at your house with you stood outside the door

my 17 year old boyfriend lived the other side of town from me so as difficult us both getting home. My mum used to let him sleep on the floor in my room

he obviously wasn’t on the floor but we weren’t at it like rabbits with my mum in th next room

M08my · 09/03/2023 21:02

If you tell your adult DD she can't spend the night with her BF at your house (ie sometimes have sex), she will have sex with him elsewhere, potentially somewhere seedier and more dangerous. (For example some older friend of the BF who lets them use his spare room.)

You will also see her less often.

If you think she just won't have sex till age 22 because of your rule, you are daft.

If you think seedier and more dangerous locations for sex don't exist, you are naive.

It's just so mind blowing to me that someone would put some misguided notion of "respect" over the safety and happiness of their child, and over having a closer relationship with them.

TeenLifeMum · 09/03/2023 21:03

I never get this. Why wouldn’t you feel comfortable with her sharing a bed with a man she loves and is about to go on holiday with? How is that teaching healthy relationships? If they’re up at 4am it sounds sensible to me. Now, if they have loud sex then yes, that’s disrespectful. An 18 year old adult having sex with long term boyfriend is a normal and healthy thing.

ActDottie · 09/03/2023 21:03

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

I assume you’ve never had sex when your kids were asleep next door then?

rainbowunicorn · 09/03/2023 21:05

What is disrespectful about it?

lingo · 09/03/2023 21:05

Do you have sex with you husband with your daughter in the next room?

Survey99 · 09/03/2023 21:06

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

^ That is probably the most disrespectful behaviour from any of you. Who even thinks about what two consenting adults are doing in another room.

You are entitled to feel the way you do and she is entitled to respond, and her response is not inappropriate, it is the way she feels. I wouldn't have personally been happy if either ds or his gf were underage, but that situation never occurred.

ds(19) stays at his girl friends/parents at least once a week and she stays here at least once a week. It is the only girl friend that has stayed over, he didn't ask until they had been seeing each other for a while, they were both 17/18. They have both been very polite and discrete. That is them being respectful.

We have been respectful in return by not going into his room when she is here and not being disrespectful and thinking about what they are up to.

Kennykenkencat · 09/03/2023 21:06

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:39

We haven’t said the bf can’t come round when they do they are upstairs sometimes with door open sometimes with door closed but it’s a totally different thing for them to sleep together while we are sleeping next door while they may or may not have sex, some parents are ok with that but we are not ok with that

By the time I was your daughters age I was already married.

You have made it very clear that she is being disrespectful and she has made it clear she is going to move out.

It all sounds very weird and very creepy if you think your adult daughter having sex with her adult bf in her bedroom is disrespectful.

It sounds like you haven’t fully accepted that she is an adult. Even weirder is that you make your daughter keep her door open when she is with her bf in her room.

Do you have your parents or other family members over to stay who are in a couple
Do you make sure they leave the spare room door open so they don’t disrespect you and make sure they have separate beds so they can’t have sex and disrespect you.

I am in my 60s with adult children and even I think you are very old fashioned.

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