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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
CharmedUndead · 09/03/2023 21:08

It's time for dd to move out. She wants to have an adult sexual relationship. You'd rather that happened somewhere you are not. That's fine. She moves into her own place - there's no saying you won't have a lovely relationship with your adult daughter just because you'd prefer not to have her sex life quite so close by.

I do think quibbling about one night is OTT, but it's fine to encourage her to go live her adult life in her own space.

Strugglinganxiety · 09/03/2023 21:09

What a weird take OP. They have an early flight so it’s a lot easier to leave from the same place.
Id tread carefully here.. I’m still with my DP from when I was 19 and he has such a close relationship with my parents because we were treated like the ADULTS we were. You’ll be the one losing out if you alienate your daughter. Having sex isn’t a weird disrespectful thing and also they will just wait till they are on holiday?!

Howdoesitworkagain · 09/03/2023 21:10

So they’re about to have 4 nights away without parents next door, and they’re leaving at 4am, but you somehow think they will be spending what little sleep time they have that night in your house disrespecting you and shagging instead of getting some shuteye? Rather than just, you know, sleeping, in case they don’t do so much of that while they’re away? OK 😂

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 21:10

We do not make dd keep her door open it’s her choice so sometimes it’s open sometimes it’s closed but we don’t make that decision

OP posts:
Housefullofcatsandkids · 09/03/2023 21:11

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

Then just say "please don't have sex while we're in the next room" and trust that they will follow your rules. Your daughter is probably annoyed because you seem to be assuming they have no self control and you don't trust them

gogohmm · 09/03/2023 21:12

She's 19 get a grip

Excited101 · 09/03/2023 21:14

YABVVVVU get over yourself. How did she get here in the first place? By stork?

ButterCrackers · 09/03/2023 21:16

Surely he can stay in the sitting room or other free space downstairs. He can sleep on the settee or a mattress on the floor. Easy to organise. If he’s a respectful person it won’t be a problem at all.

shelbyger · 09/03/2023 21:16

I'd have no issues with this at all. It's up to you though but sounds like you will only push her away.

If anything I don't think she wld go near her bf as know u wld hit the roof if u knew anything was going on. They have an early start and it's convenient, that's all.

When I was her age me and my bf (now dh) lived with each other at his parents place and my parents house. Your views are very old fashioned.

Gremlinsuplate · 09/03/2023 21:16

they are upstairs sometimes with door open sometimes with door closed but it’s a totally different thing for them to sleep together while we are sleeping next door while they may or may not have sex

So it's ok for them to have sex during the day but just not specifically while you're asleep? Coz they're definitely having sex during the day.

smm88 · 09/03/2023 21:17

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

Are you having sex while she's in the room next door ?

I'd imagine that to be a yes so the answer is it's not disrespectful at all it's a natural part of a loving relationship.

As long as they are respect enough for you not to hear what's going on then there should be no problem

LiveLoveLifeForever · 09/03/2023 21:19

Minfilia · 09/03/2023 20:12

Oh, the HORROR!

we must immediately alert the church elders!

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂

billy1966 · 09/03/2023 21:19

OP,

I don't think you are being unreasonable in your home.

You have said he may stay downstairs but not upstairs.

Of course she can be unhappy with it and tell you she will leave asap.

That is her decision to make.

I certainly wouldn't be accepting any rudeness from her on the matter.

She asked, you said No and that is the end of it.

I think they are young to be expecting this, but perhaps I am very old fashioned too!

CJsGoldfish · 09/03/2023 21:19

This has been asked quite a few times but not answered and I'm curious too 😝

OP, how is it disrespectful?

Two adults sleeping in the same bed disrespects you how?

CMO · 09/03/2023 21:20

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

It's disrespectful while you're sleeping? Just ask them to wait until you're awake.

Ragwort · 09/03/2023 21:21

The fact that she is refusing to just let him sleep on the sofa bed is showing that she is not respecting 'house rules'. A mature adult can happily sleep in a separate room to their BF/GF without having a tantrum.

And all these comments 'you will lose her forever if you don't let her share a bed' are just pathetic... if you are only close to your adult DC because they are allowed to disrespect your house rules then quite frankly let them move out and pay for their own place. I never shared a bedroom with a BF in my DP's home and always had a perfectly good relationship with them. Too many DPs seem frightened of offending their own DC.

And yes, I do have a young adult DS.

MortimerTheCat · 09/03/2023 21:21

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 21:10

We do not make dd keep her door open it’s her choice so sometimes it’s open sometimes it’s closed but we don’t make that decision

So why is day time ok, but all of a sudden once it gets dark it isn’t?

bouncydog · 09/03/2023 21:22

Your DD and her BF have clearly been together a while as they are going on holiday together so I do think you are being unreasonable. I would agree with you on casual relationships as I would not have been comfortable with a bloke sleeping in our home that we didn’t know. You need to sit down and talk to your DD about why you aren’t comfortable and let her put her views across. And by the way I’m mid 60’s so have also had similar experience. We however respected our DD’s judgement - it was a bit odd seeing her BF in the morning the first time but they are now married so she was obviously confident in her decision!

OngoingCrisis · 09/03/2023 21:22

You sound a bit like my mom with the "disrespectful" thing. As a result I feel a bit ashamed regarding sex. When I was with my ex she wouldn't even let me have him at our house for lunch so now it's just made be more secretive

Coldilox · 09/03/2023 21:23

Yeah. I wasn’t allowed to have my girlfriend stay overnight in my room during university holidays. I ended up not going back home that often. And I never moved back home once I graduated. I was an adult and not prepared to live by those rules.

If you are happy for her to move out, and to put distance between the two of you emotionally, carry on.

RainLover · 09/03/2023 21:23

Your house your rules. My parents were super old fashioned and would not allow my bf to stay beyond 10pm, but were fine with me staying at his, us going on holiday, etc. We got together at 15.. 20 years on we’re married and they adore him. But, they didn’t feel comfortable with us sharing a bed in their house when I was younger, and that was up to them. If it’s an early start do you have a spare room or sofa bed you could offer?

NoGoodUsernamee · 09/03/2023 21:23

Looool. I’m imagining you like Kevin’s parents from Kevin and Perry go large… Having sex once to create your child and vomiting straight after then never again 🤣🤣🤣… She’s 19… unclench.

locomum83 · 09/03/2023 21:23

I wouldn't be happy about it and I'm not at all prudish at 38, I just remember at a similar age when I was first with my now husband, if he stayed over we slept in separate rooms, I'd of been mortified to have slept with him in my parents house with them there! I certainly wouldnt of had the nerve to of asked permission. It would be nice to see that some people still value respect for their parents and their wishes whilst in their house,

LumpyandBumps · 09/03/2023 21:23

CMO · 09/03/2023 21:20

It's disrespectful while you're sleeping? Just ask them to wait until you're awake.

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😂😂

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/03/2023 21:25

I can’t see how they are being disrespectful?