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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 09/03/2023 20:16

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 20:14

If they don't recognise that it's a sin, alerting the church wouldn't help.

Show quote history

It’s only as much of a sin as judging other people…

MyMumsOnMN · 09/03/2023 20:16

Well as long as they're not shagging (which she probably won't even risk it) I don't see a problem. It's more of a palava meeting up at 4am to go away if they aren't already together.

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 20:18

MissingMoominMamma · 09/03/2023 20:16

It’s only as much of a sin as judging other people…

Show quote history

Ultimately, God is in judgement over all of us and when we get to St Peter's Gate, we'll learn what that judgement will be!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2023 20:18

I would allow it, but it is your house so YANBU imo, her response sounds quite immature as well, good luck.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 20:18

On what planet is it disrespectful?!

She must think you are nuts. It’s up to you if you say it makes you feel uncomfortable so you want him to sleep on the sofa, but labelling it like that is cracked.

MaireadMcSweeney · 09/03/2023 20:19

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

Do you not think your DD has more respect than to have sex whilst in the room next to you? Shagging isn't compulsory just because they are sharing a bed...

neighboursmustliveon · 09/03/2023 20:19

An adult wants to share a room in her home with another adult? How is that disrespect. Do you and your partner not have Sex in the room next to dd? Why is that not disrespectful?

My ds is 15 so we are getting closer to him and his gf potentially wanting to have sex. It does make me feel weird but I being mature about it and know my child is growing up and will soon be an adult. This is his home and I want him to feel comfortable in it.

Minfilia · 09/03/2023 20:19

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

But you still haven’t explained WHY you think it’s disrespectful.

(it isn’t, btw)

starynight63 · 09/03/2023 20:20

I think you just don't like the fact she's told her BF as you know what he'll be thinking about you. It is ridiculous. Have you never had sex while you're children are at home?
And I highly doubt your DD wants her parents to hear her having sex so she'd probably hang on the extra few hours until she's away for the weekend and can have sex without the judgment of her perfect parents!!!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 20:21

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/03/2023 20:14

Well if you raise a sinner you get a sinner op. Hopefully she won't be darkening your door for long.

Brilliant! The nutters are out tonight.

cadburyegg · 09/03/2023 20:21

Get a grip

Travis1 · 09/03/2023 20:21

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

Sooooooo is it disrespectful for you to have sex with your daughter in the next room or are you a hypocrite as well?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:22

neighboursmustliveon · 09/03/2023 20:19

An adult wants to share a room in her home with another adult? How is that disrespect. Do you and your partner not have Sex in the room next to dd? Why is that not disrespectful?

My ds is 15 so we are getting closer to him and his gf potentially wanting to have sex. It does make me feel weird but I being mature about it and know my child is growing up and will soon be an adult. This is his home and I want him to feel comfortable in it.

Your child your rules if you are happy for your son to sleep with his girlfriend in your house together that’s fine but we don’t feel comfortable about it as much as it’s her house as well it’s our house too and we need to feel comfortable as well

OP posts:
Beetie1 · 09/03/2023 20:22

OP are you never disrespectful and have sex in the next room whilst your DD is sleeping?

Somanycats · 09/03/2023 20:22

Oh God unhappy days. I remember this so well. And no they were never discreet. And yes it did sound like they were swinging from the chandelier. And yes DH did once shout out to the gf of the moment, after about a bloody hour of her moaning - 'Hannah shut the fuck up!' And her and DS are still friends but no longer together and she still finds it funny to mention it every time she sees us.
These young people have no shame!!

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 09/03/2023 20:22

She's an adult wanting an adult relationship. Perfectly reasonable to want to move out if for some bizarre reason that's not allowed in your home.

DemelzaandRoss · 09/03/2023 20:23

YABU. It’s 2023 not 1953.
Both are adults. Well over the age of consent. Grown ups have sex. Always did & always will. Even you did.
Ban them if you must. So unnecessary though.

CherryBlossomPants · 09/03/2023 20:23

Take away the sex part I don’t understand why you’re confused about your DD telling her bf about it?? What would you prefer she said to him? She’s being honest with him and communicating why he can’t stay even if she doesn’t agree.

Flowersinmai · 09/03/2023 20:23

Your House - your rules.
My POV is if that Young people want to do adult things - sleep together, go on holiday, live together - then they need to pay for that and organise it themselves. It’s part of being an adult.
Could he sleep in the front room? Then you are meeting half way and sticking to your principals.

LittleDonkeyKong · 09/03/2023 20:24

Somanycats · 09/03/2023 20:22

Oh God unhappy days. I remember this so well. And no they were never discreet. And yes it did sound like they were swinging from the chandelier. And yes DH did once shout out to the gf of the moment, after about a bloody hour of her moaning - 'Hannah shut the fuck up!' And her and DS are still friends but no longer together and she still finds it funny to mention it every time she sees us.
These young people have no shame!!

Love this lol

woodhill · 09/03/2023 20:24

I think what you are saying is fair enough

JassyRadlett · 09/03/2023 20:26

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

I'm confused why or how she wouldn't tell the boyfriend? Otherwise how is he supposed to know he can't stay?

I disagree on whether her response is mature - deciding that she isn't happy to live in your house with the rules you are imposing, and therefore deciding to move out, is a perfectly mature response to the situation.

2013isback · 09/03/2023 20:26

Completely up to you as it's your house, but it sounds like she had a very good, practical reason for wanting him to stay. Perhaps you could have compromised by offering him the spare room if you have one, or a couch? DD has told the BF but unsure why she did makes sense to me - they'll have discussed his staying and she'll have had to go back and explain why he can't.

But until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times seems like an "own goal" on your daughter's part - instead of doing a bit more work to plead her case and convince you that she's mature anough to have her boyfriend stay over and to behave reasonably, she's decided to demonstrate how childish she can be. Which backs you into a corner because even if you do decide you may have made the wrong decision, you can't reward/reinforce her bratty behaviour.

Travis1 · 09/03/2023 20:26

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 20:18

Ultimately, God is in judgement over all of us and when we get to St Peter's Gate, we'll learn what that judgement will be!

Show quote history

Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no god. HTH

Tinkerbyebye · 09/03/2023 20:26

Do you have a spare room he could use? Could he sleep on the sofa? A 4am start is really early so there must be a compromise

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