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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 12/03/2023 10:36

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 22:26

Yes, their spouses visited before they married, but they didn't stay over. They had no reason to.

But that is totally irrelevant to the OP then. The point is that the DD and her BF wanted to stay for convenience and the OP has said no. If they had a reason to prior to marriage would be relevant to this situation.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 10:48

Bepis · 11/03/2023 20:29

@shrimp88 Because she knows it's non negotiable so she enters a relationship already knowing it's not an option. She currently has no issues with this rule and if she does have an issue then she's going to have to get over it to be honest.

I personally have religious reasons why I couldn't allow this in my house because by allowing it, I would essentially be agreeing to it and saying it's ok which would not be compatible with my religious beliefs. Saying that though, DH has the same view as me and he's not religious in the slightest.

DD can go and sleep at boyfriends houses if she so chooses at that age but its not something i will be allowing in my home.

The fact that she knows you won't ever allow partners to stay now doesn't mean your rules won't have an impact on your relationship in the future and it doesn't mean she will not disagree strongly as an adult. For example, if she lives some distance away, there is a very good chance that she will not stay at your house either when she is older if her partner can't come too and that will effect your relationship as you may not see much of her.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 10:58

So where does she and her DH stay when they visit? In a hotel?

Bepis · 12/03/2023 11:37

@shrimp88 Then that's up to her if that's how she would react in the future.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 11:41

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 20:49

One of my kids live a fair bit away, visits and phones regularly, so no, it had no impact.
Just as I phone and visit my own lovely mum regularly who lives a fair way away.
It may affect your relationship with your mum, but it doesn't affect everyone else's.

Show quote history

Do they stay when they visit even though their DP/DH can't stay? If they don't want/need to anyway then you can't really say that OP rules will have no impact as you didn't actually test them.

adulthumanfemalemum · 12/03/2023 11:43

You are totally unreasonable and very weird.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 11:45

Bepis · 12/03/2023 11:37

@shrimp88 Then that's up to her if that's how she would react in the future.

That's up to you. I appreciate that not all parents are that bothered about seeing adult children, having seen some of the threads on MN.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 11:48

@shrimp88 I see my parents and they had the same rules. Not affected our relationship in the slightest. In fact, I'm closest to the parent who was most strict.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 12:03

Bepis · 12/03/2023 11:48

@shrimp88 I see my parents and they had the same rules. Not affected our relationship in the slightest. In fact, I'm closest to the parent who was most strict.

It wouldn't necessarily if you didn't sleep with your DH before marriage anyway or lived nearby and had no need to stay. OP isn't in that position and you might not be with your children either. Few people are virgins before marriage nowadays.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 12:08

@shrimp88 I did sleep with DH before marriage but I was a lot older and had my own house (plus I wasn't religious then). My first husband lived in the same house and my dad and me and we were engaged but had to have separate bedrooms until we moved out and got our own house. Wasn't that big of a deal and I feel it would be immature to let a parents rule in their own house affect our relationship.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 13:03

Bepis · 12/03/2023 12:08

@shrimp88 I did sleep with DH before marriage but I was a lot older and had my own house (plus I wasn't religious then). My first husband lived in the same house and my dad and me and we were engaged but had to have separate bedrooms until we moved out and got our own house. Wasn't that big of a deal and I feel it would be immature to let a parents rule in their own house affect our relationship.

So you think it was fine not to be able to share a room with your fiancé when you were in your 20s or 30s and presume your DD will feel the same way in the future? I don't know how old you are or were but that would be seen as very old fashioned and unreasonable nowadays by most people and I wouldn't bank on your DD thinking it fine either.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 13:11

@shrimp88 I was 19 (39 now) and I had no issues with it as it was my dads house and his rules. I was grateful that he put a roof over my head as I had already moved out but then moved back in with him.

Like I say, if DD has an issue with it then that's up to her. I won't bend rules to stop someone having a tantrum.

JunkinDonuts · 12/03/2023 15:33

ImAGoodPerson · 12/03/2023 10:36

But that is totally irrelevant to the OP then. The point is that the DD and her BF wanted to stay for convenience and the OP has said no. If they had a reason to prior to marriage would be relevant to this situation.

Show quote history

Not really, the op asked if I ( us posters ) would allow it, I said no I wouldn't.
Even if they'd asked, the answer would have been no.

JunkinDonuts · 12/03/2023 15:49

They knew the answer before they even asked the question.
Mainly because they once tried taking a boyfriend into their bedroom before they got turfed out again and told in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed in bedrooms.
So they certainly knew that them spending the night was out of the question.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 17:41

Bepis · 12/03/2023 13:11

@shrimp88 I was 19 (39 now) and I had no issues with it as it was my dads house and his rules. I was grateful that he put a roof over my head as I had already moved out but then moved back in with him.

Like I say, if DD has an issue with it then that's up to her. I won't bend rules to stop someone having a tantrum.

As i said, it may not have effected your relationship with your father but that doesn't mean your dd will feel the same way when she is an adult. If your rather strict and old fashioned rules are more important to you than a good relaionship with adult children that's up to you. Many people would think you are a bit of a hypocrite to preach about no sex before marriage when you obviously got pregnant yourself at 19 or 20 and presumably weren't married.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 17:56

@shrimp88 I was married when I had my daughter. Old fashioned is not always a bad think, I just personally prefer old fashioned morals - world was a better place.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 17:59

*thing not think

5128gap · 12/03/2023 18:15

I don't think the sex lives of other adults need to be on your radar OP, whether they're your children or not. I'm guessing if you have overnight guests you don't fuss about whether they're disrespecting you by having sex under your roof. You probably wouldn't even think about it. Your daughter is no different. Unless you have a sensible reason to deny her boyfriend your house for the night, such as not trusting him with your valuables, or you dislike him, there's is no reason to say no. Put your daughters sex life out of your mind, because that's respectful to her.

Scottishskifun · 12/03/2023 18:24

Bepis · 12/03/2023 17:56

@shrimp88 I was married when I had my daughter. Old fashioned is not always a bad think, I just personally prefer old fashioned morals - world was a better place.

Really was it?
Unmarried mothers either severely stigmatised or had their babies taken away and adoptions forced on them.....not to mention children taken into care and sent to Australia only to be treated like slaves and high levels of abuse.....doesn't sound like a better world to me!

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 18:31

Scottishskifun · 12/03/2023 18:24

Really was it?
Unmarried mothers either severely stigmatised or had their babies taken away and adoptions forced on them.....not to mention children taken into care and sent to Australia only to be treated like slaves and high levels of abuse.....doesn't sound like a better world to me!

Show quote history

Yes, and the children of unmarried parents also had to deal with a lot of discrimination.

Bepis · 12/03/2023 18:38

@Scottishskifun I meant in general. Of course there are always going to be evil people and suffering of some but on the whole, morals and standards were a lot higher.

Anyway, I digress off the topic of the thread. Each to their own but OP should not be criticised for her rules in her own house.

MyGreenBedspread · 12/03/2023 18:41

Bepis · 12/03/2023 17:56

@shrimp88 I was married when I had my daughter. Old fashioned is not always a bad think, I just personally prefer old fashioned morals - world was a better place.

@Bepis In which way was the world a better place when we had old fashioned morals?

Bepis · 12/03/2023 18:44

@MyGreenBedspread I don't want to derail/hijack the thread any more. It's completely gone off topic. Apologies.

shrimp88 · 12/03/2023 18:45

Bepis · 12/03/2023 18:38

@Scottishskifun I meant in general. Of course there are always going to be evil people and suffering of some but on the whole, morals and standards were a lot higher.

Anyway, I digress off the topic of the thread. Each to their own but OP should not be criticised for her rules in her own house.

Morals and standards were a lot higher when? And how was "the world a better place" because of it?

Scottishskifun · 12/03/2023 18:46

Bepis · 12/03/2023 18:38

@Scottishskifun I meant in general. Of course there are always going to be evil people and suffering of some but on the whole, morals and standards were a lot higher.

Anyway, I digress off the topic of the thread. Each to their own but OP should not be criticised for her rules in her own house.

Not really just more women trapped in marriages with men because they were forced down the aisle if "in the family way" or forced into a mother and baby home to mostly have their babies taken off them because society stigmatised women (never the bloke btw!)

Standards certainly weren't higher just women took long summers to their aunts!

The OP clearly cannot separate her adult daughter from the image of her being a child and therefore doesn't accept her as being an adult! She's also kidding herself if she thinks her daughter has never had sex in her bedroom before!

Personally I would prefer my children were safe and felt they could come and discuss things with me openly then be treated like a 12 year old in the sake of "morality"