Page 13 | DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

Safarigiraffe · 2023-03-09T20:06:39+00:00

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

Sugarfish · 11/03/2023 10:36

I don’t understand why it’s disrespectful? It’s not like they’ll be doing it infront if you.

They’re adults, their sex life is none of your business. Why do you find it disrespectful? Are you worried you’ll hear them? You must have had sex with her in the house before. Does the consideration not work both ways?

havananana · 11/03/2023 10:46

So would you not let her sleep over with her BF/husband even when she had moved out and came to visit? For example, where they are 30, married, and wanting to sleep at your house over Christmas?

Do you not let any couple stay over?

Butterfly44 · 11/03/2023 10:49

Way to lose your relationship with your daughter. Expect she can't wait to move out.

Wombatbum · 11/03/2023 11:35

She’s an adult! Geez. Bizarre.

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 12:27

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 10:28

No one’s arguing that it isn't her choice. They just saying that it is not a good choice if she wants to ever have a good relationship with her adult child in the future.

She hasn't said that she is doing what she thinks is right either. She has only said that her DD’s partner being in the house together would make her feel uncomfortable.

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Well if that’s the case the daughter should respect her parents point of view. She just has to say to her BF ‘Mum and Dad aren’t comfortable with us sharing, but it’s only one night can you use the sofa bed’
No need for stroppy scenes, when the daughter has learnt to act in an adult way and her parents know the boyfriend better, no doubt things might change.

Bepis · 11/03/2023 12:28

Not allowing the bf to sleep in her bed is not necessarily going to affect the mother/daughter relationship. Depends on the maturity of the daughter.

Florenz · 11/03/2023 12:46

Get one of those bundle board beds like the Amish use. That way the young couple can be intimate with each other without any unpleasantness or untowardness occurring.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/03/2023 12:49

I doubt they will be thinking of shagging when getting up at 4am and you next door

They have 4 nights of pure sex when away

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:01

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 12:27

Well if that’s the case the daughter should respect her parents point of view. She just has to say to her BF ‘Mum and Dad aren’t comfortable with us sharing, but it’s only one night can you use the sofa bed’
No need for stroppy scenes, when the daughter has learnt to act in an adult way and her parents know the boyfriend better, no doubt things might change.

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Adult children don't have to respect every single one of their parents’ views at all and it's certainly not “immature” to disagree with them. I also don't agree that the DD has to pretend to her boyfriend that she agrees with them either or say that “it’s only one night” if she doesn’t feel that way. Telling them that she is going to move out is not having a “stroppy scene” either. Most people would want to move out as soon as possible in her position. She is just letting them know what is going to happen and why shouldn’t she?

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:11

Bepis · 11/03/2023 12:28

Not allowing the bf to sleep in her bed is not necessarily going to affect the mother/daughter relationship. Depends on the maturity of the daughter.

I think it will be the other way around. I can't see the DD visiting much when she is 30 if her DH/DP has to sleep on the sofa because OP isn’t uncomfortable with the idea of him being in the same room in case they have sex. OP presumably will not want to visit her DD either. No visits will have an impact on their relationship.

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 13:15

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:01

Adult children don't have to respect every single one of their parents’ views at all and it's certainly not “immature” to disagree with them. I also don't agree that the DD has to pretend to her boyfriend that she agrees with them either or say that “it’s only one night” if she doesn’t feel that way. Telling them that she is going to move out is not having a “stroppy scene” either. Most people would want to move out as soon as possible in her position. She is just letting them know what is going to happen and why shouldn’t she?

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if someone lives in your house they abide by your rules whether they like them or not…. It’s called respect!

GCMM · 11/03/2023 13:28

My 19 year old son had sex in his room with a girlfriend on two separate occasions. Both times we could hear them, well her actually, not him. It was excruciatingly embarrassing and I told him afterwards that was never to happen again. If people consider that old fashioned, I couldn't care less. I am not going to be made uncomfortable in my own home by anyone.

budgiegirl · 11/03/2023 13:39

if someone lives in your house they abide by your rules whether they like them or not…. It’s called respect!

But then the OP can't complain that her DD says she wants to move out as soon as possible.

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:42

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 13:15

if someone lives in your house they abide by your rules whether they like them or not…. It’s called respect!

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Just because you have to abide by a rule it doesn't mean you have to not argue against it. It’s not immature or disrespectful to give an opinion on the rule and she's entitled to say she's going to move out.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 11/03/2023 13:47

she is the one being disrespectful by not adhering to her parents wishes in their home

It is also her home. Are they obliged to adhere to her wishes while in her home?

Or is this controlling, ridiculous nonsense and a completely inappropriate way to interact with an adult child?

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 13:48

It's your house / home that you're paying for, therefore your rules.
If your DD doesn't like it then she knows where the door is.

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:54

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 13:48

It's your house / home that you're paying for, therefore your rules.
If your DD doesn't like it then she knows where the door is.

Obviously, but she's is OP’s daughter, not a lodger and presumably OP would quite like to have a relationship with her in the future so needs to think about what is reasonable rather than just throw her weight around.

MyGreenBedspread · 11/03/2023 14:01

@Passthechocolatesplease That isn’t respect, that’s obedience. They don’t have anything to do with each other, and forcing one doesn’t engender the other!

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 11/03/2023 14:05

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 13:48

It's your house / home that you're paying for, therefore your rules.
If your DD doesn't like it then she knows where the door is.

Yeah, being massively controlling and unreasonable to your own adult child while living in their own home is really going to end well in terms of your relationship with them over the rest of your life. But sure, lay down completely arbitrary and hypocritical rules just for the sake of it and trash your relationships with them and their view of how healthy relationship function, if that's your bag. Not great parenting though, is it?

TheWelshposter · 11/03/2023 14:15

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 20:18

Ultimately, God is in judgement over all of us and when we get to St Peter's Gate, we'll learn what that judgement will be!

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I can't work out if this is a joke post or not!

BrutusMcDogface · 11/03/2023 14:19

Things must have changed since I was younger. No way Jose would I be allowed my bf to stay over at that age. I even said to my parents that when I was away at uni he slept over so why couldn’t he sleep over at ours? They said no and I always respected it. We just shagged on the duvet on the floor so there was no sound 😜

Barannca · 11/03/2023 14:23

What do you feel uncomfortable about.? Is it that they may be having sex in the room next to you? Or that they may be having sex in your house? As they spend time in her room anyway they may have already had sex in the house. If the latter would you feel different if they were married? What if she was married, lived away and came to visit? Would you let them stay or insist they stay in a hotel ?
I am just interested in why you feel uncomfortable. Is it that your child is growing up and it's hard to accept or something else? .

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 11/03/2023 14:30

I feel yabu.
I just don’t get feeling disrespected by someone possibly having sex in the next room.
yes, your house your rules. Yes, she responded a bit OTT. But it all seems a bit of an unnecessary drama.
if you’re asleep and they do have sex, which they may not anyway, you probably won’t hear anything…. They’re unlikely to be noisy knowing others might hear.

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 14:36

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 13:54

Obviously, but she's is OP’s daughter, not a lodger and presumably OP would quite like to have a relationship with her in the future so needs to think about what is reasonable rather than just throw her weight around.

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My mum never allowed it and we have a great relationship.
I never allowed it with mine and guess what...we have a great relationship.

ImAGoodPerson · 11/03/2023 15:19

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 11/03/2023 14:30

I feel yabu.
I just don’t get feeling disrespected by someone possibly having sex in the next room.
yes, your house your rules. Yes, she responded a bit OTT. But it all seems a bit of an unnecessary drama.
if you’re asleep and they do have sex, which they may not anyway, you probably won’t hear anything…. They’re unlikely to be noisy knowing others might hear.

100% this, I just don't understand why the pearl clutching over it all. 2 adults in a long term relationship may or not have sex, probably quietly so no one knows.