DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

[Safarigiraffe]

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

Was this in the 1950s?

@JunkinDonuts Same here. My dad never allowed it and I'm very close to him. I don't allow it and my daughters and I are very close.

Are they adult children? Do they want to visit you with their DP/DH anyway?

What reason do you have for not letting your adult DC visit and stay with you with their adult DP? I just can't get my head around it. Do they have to stay in a hotel?

Personally, I think you're being unreasonable and more disrespectful of your daughter and her relationship, than she's being of you.

Of course she's going to tell her partner. They're grown adults in a long term relationship by the sounds of it, why wouldn't she.....

What if the woman he is dating really really wants to have sex?

How is them having sex/not having sex disrespectful or respectful of you, or anything to do with you?

“Hello dear daughter, I have awoken now. Coitus may begin”

@shrimp88 They are 19 and 16 and still live with me. Have had no issues with them as they have always known what the rules are. They have no partners currently.

I read this as fisting. Which puts a whole new twist on it.

So the 19 year old doesn't want a partner to stay anyway and you don't actually know what they will think of your rules if/when they do.

I think it’s great that you’re teaching your son to be respectful of women, god knows there are so many men out there who aren’t! But really 18 year olds are mature enough to have sex. And sex doesn’t always need to have emotional weight to it, personally I think that creates a shame element. It is fun and as long as everyone is safe wants to do it there’s nothing wrong with that. What about people who don’t want children or to get married, should they not be having sex?

Jesus this is so outdated. I actually feel quite sad that you have such a weird attitude to your DD and her boyfriend. Do you still think of her as a little girl? Like it or not she’s a grown woman now and can make her own choices. If she’s going away for 4 nights I can guarantee she’ll be having sex on one or more of those nights and you know what? It’s none of your business! Highly likely they won’t do anything the night before an early morning flight!!

They're married and they have no reason to stay overnight as they live nearby.

Nope.

@shrimp88 The 19 year old is currently sectioned in hospital so her having a partner will probably never happen. The youngest knows the rules so she wouldn't even ask if her bf could stay the night because she knows what the answer would be. Have a great relationship with her despite that rule.

It’s not a question of being ‘old-fashioned’ - your reaction is worryingly emotionally immature. Why do you feel so uncomfortable? Why do you find it disrespectful? Why do you have such a visceral reaction to your adult child having consensual sex? If you don’t know the answers or can’t communicate them clearly and respectfully then it’s time to have a think about how your wider emotions may be affecting your actions and behaviour.
Where would you like her to have sex btw? Safely in her own bed is obviously not an option for you so, boyfriend’s car, pub toilets, an alleyway, a park? I’d much rather my teenage daughter had sex with me in the next room (no matter how uncomfortable I felt) so I know she’s safe and comfortable tbh.

At what point would you feel comfortable though.....when she's 25, 35, 45?!

Sorry but your treating her like a child she's not and she's not. That maybe difficult for you to accept but she's an adult. Good on her to move out as well!

They have a early start and 4 nights away together what on earth would make you think they will be going ooooo let's have sex with my parents in the next room when we have to be up at 4am......
Your also naive if you think that she has never had sex in your house OP just when your out!

OK, so they never stayed together until they were married other than in a hotel or their own house?

I just find it such a strange attitude in the OPs situation really.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree. Attitudes like that make sex sound shameful and way more of a big deal than it actually is. Obviously men should be respectful of their partner, same for women towards men but I don't think that is something that suddenly happens at 21, decent people are respectful at any age. Sex can be fun, and should be seen that way, personally I find that attitudes like MysteryBelles are one of the reasons that young people feel they cannot talk about issues regarding sex in particular getting contraception etc.

Maybe he doesn’t want to have it until marriage, did you ever think of that?

There is nothing shameful about sex and I didn’t say there was. You both are twisting and falsely accusing. Also, you’re wrong, my son talks to me, we are very open about everything under the sun. I’m proud of him.

So what if your 16 year old knows what your rules are? She's not an adult yet. You don't know how she will feel about your rules regarding whether her DH/DP can stay in your house when she is so not sure how you can be certain it will have no impact on your relationship.

I'm not twisting anything at all. Maybe re read what you actually said. Perhaps it comes across differently to your intention.