DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

[Safarigiraffe]

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

And there is nothing wrong with that if that is how the person genuinely feels and haven't been made to feel like it is wrong before then.

I recon the last thing on their minds is having sex in the room next to you. Just remind your daughter of the thin walls and how there is no sound proofing. Perfectly reasonable for them to want to stay in same place with a 4am start the following day, however hard look at the bigger picture if you can. It's not worth falling out over ...... sex is not a sin.

I'm confused. Does this mean you and your partner/spouse have not had sex all the time your children have been living with you?

When I met my partner when we were 18, my dad used to stay at his girlfriend's round the corner so my boyfriend and I could sleep in his bed and my brother and his girlfriend could sleep in our (my and my brother's) bedroom. We're 50 though, so our parents were of the 60s enlightenment generation. :)

I don't think it's wrong to not want your kids to sex while you are in the house at all actually. Your house your rules.

*have sex

I see they don't need to stay in your house anyway as live nearby. Easy to say that your rules have not effected your relationship if your DC have never wanted to stay in your house with their DH/DP anyway. If they moved some distance away you would soon see an impact as they probably wouldn't visit.

I also did say you said sex was shameful, I said I felt attitudes like yours make it sound like sex is shameful. What happens if your DC decides they want sex before marriage, how would you feel about it?

FWIW I don't think teens should be just going around having sex with as many people as possible but for me education, openess and ensuring its not treated like something that is taboo is my priority with my teens.

The OPs DD has not asked to have sex in the house, she has asked to stay there with her BF as they have a 4am start together in the morning!

Then I hope he finds a woman with similarly outdated unusual rules.

There should be no moral value placed on sex between consenting adults.

Yes I understand that. But I feel them possibly having sex is why she didn't want them sleeping there.
Personally I'd let them stay but I understand everyone thinks differently.

This made me laugh. You know plenty of clergy have sex outside of marriage? 😉

OP you're quite odd!

Imagine sleeping next to someone and NOT having sex? 😂

Totally, but I just feel its a shame that's the 1st thing the OP is thinking and that also that she can't just say to her DD to be respectful.

I didn’t say you said sex was shameful, I meant your views towards it can cause it to feel shameful. If your son really does want to wait until he’s married, is this because you’ve made him feel like he should do? Because it’s a very rare and old fashioned view for an 18 year old

@shrimp88 Because she knows it's non negotiable so she enters a relationship already knowing it's not an option. She currently has no issues with this rule and if she does have an issue then she's going to have to get over it to be honest.

I personally have religious reasons why I couldn't allow this in my house because by allowing it, I would essentially be agreeing to it and saying it's ok which would not be compatible with my religious beliefs. Saying that though, DH has the same view as me and he's not religious in the slightest.

DD can go and sleep at boyfriends houses if she so chooses at that age but its not something i will be allowing in my home.

One of my kids live a fair bit away, visits and phones regularly, so no, it had no impact.
Just as I phone and visit my own lovely mum regularly who lives a fair way away.
It may affect your relationship with your mum, but it doesn't affect everyone else's.

Do they just not bring their partner with them then?

she has refused the perfectly acceptable offer of use of the guest facilities for overnight guests and said her parents are old fashioned and will not speak to them.

They are old fashioned and it's ridiculous given that the OP knows they are going on holiday together and already sleep in the same bed.

It’s fine for her to think they are old fashioned but this is an indication of an expectation of having sex. So it’s disingenous to say not (I appreciate that the posters saying this wouldn’t personally have an issue with them having sex, although I also think often people are projecting experiences from
when they were younger)

I also find it interesting the way whenever it’s an 18 year old (or even 16 year old) girl having boyfriend stay should be of course and often as they want they are an adult (though another thing impacting them oh they are only a teenager their brain is not developed). but on threads where there is a woman having her boyfriend stay on same house as children or children staying at ex husbands house and there is another man there other you can’t possibly have unrelated men in the house. (op hasn’t said there are younger children in the house on this thread but there is another thread with a SD who wakes up younger children and lots of people saying she should be able to have her boyfriend stay around any time she likes.)

Yes, they bring their spouses with them.
Sometimes their spouses even visit alone. Shocker hey.

But before they were married they couldn't stay together? That's what I meant.

Yes, their spouses visited before they married, but they didn't stay over. They had no reason to.

@JunkinDonuts @Jarstastic is this a religious thing for you?

I did have to point out to my outraged DM that I was far too pissed to have sex the njght my boyfriend of 5 years that I lived with slept in my room at their house. I was 26.

but on threads where there is a woman having her boyfriend stay on same house as children or children staying at ex husbands house and there is another man there other you can’t possibly have unrelated men in the house.

What relevance has that got to this thread? Children need safeguarding from unrelated adults. It's also not good for children of separated parents who have been through a family breakup already to have parents' new partners forced on them during their contact time with their parent or be introduced to new "partners" that the parent has only known for a few weeks like in the thread you are referring to. Not sure what that has to do with two childfree adults in an established relationship sleeping in the same bed?