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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

167 replies

lenorchik · 09/03/2023 17:08

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 09/03/2023 17:11

If he's been called into work when he's on annual leave then I assume that work is urgent.

Therefore would make more sense to rearrange you visiting your sister for next week

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/03/2023 17:14

I think you should show some flexibility - If DP's been called into work from annual leave, that must be something pretty important, mustn't it? Can't you go to your sister's after he comes back?

Or is it that you don't feel you are able to look after him for a few hours?

Badbudgeter · 09/03/2023 17:14

I think the point is OP doesn’t feel confident managing her son and BIL at the same time. I’d ask your DP to say no as he has caring responsibilities.

MelchiorsMistress · 09/03/2023 17:16

Your DH is caring for his brother, someone he has no real responsibility towards and he’s just doing it to be a good human. I’d support him as much as you can tbh, so unless there’s something urgent you need to be at your sisters for tomorrow, just go a different day.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2023 17:25

If DP going into work means that care is going to suffer, as in incidents that mean BIL is overwhelmed, then no, he can't go in. You can't commit to caring for a vulnerable adult, then take on work. It's unfair on BIL, you and ds and your MIL if things don't go well.

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 17:26

Dishwashersaurous · 09/03/2023 17:11

If he's been called into work when he's on annual leave then I assume that work is urgent.

Therefore would make more sense to rearrange you visiting your sister for next week

This. Its not exactly a pressing important expensive occasion. Either your sister comes to you maybe or you rearrange. Help your partner out don't be difficult.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2023 17:27

Just rearrange your day for the day after?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2023 17:30

I imagine this is quite stressful for you bothand BIL, I think it would be the kind thing to do to rearrange seeing your sister or have her come to yours if suitable.

Woolandwonder · 09/03/2023 17:31

I think it would be nice to show some willing. Talk through with dp the best way to deal with issues, there's no perfect answer. As someone who provides care at times for my sister in similar circumstances I'd really appreciate DP helping me out for a few hours. Could you just stay at home for a few hours stick a film/game etc on that BIL enjoys and play with your toddler around him?

Wishawisha · 09/03/2023 17:31

You presumably know the context of why he’s being called in and how urgent it is.

Really though I think both you and your DH are doing a good thing in giving your MIL what is probably a well deserved rest. I’d just cut each other some slack for now. Ask your sister to come round or rearrange if possible.

Coffeellama · 09/03/2023 17:33

I don’t get how you have no already discussed this with your DH. What did you say when he told you he’s been asked to go in tomorrow?

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 17:42

Badbudgeter · 09/03/2023 17:14

I think the point is OP doesn’t feel confident managing her son and BIL at the same time. I’d ask your DP to say no as he has caring responsibilities.

In your position, if I could help I would. I'm sensing it's not so much you can't care for the brother for a day, it's that there's almost a conflict of interest between your BIL and your son.
Ideally just stick with the status quo however I'm unsure what yourvhusband does for a living and how important it is for him (and only him) to work. If you agree hebought go in, could you ask your sister to come to yours for a bit. See how it's going and if 'not well' maybe you could ask her to take your son home with her and you or OH will collect him after work. Or maybe you could drive over with BIL and son and leave him there. Play it by ear whether you get to stay for a cuppa then you or OH can collect him after work. Would your sister do this for you?
Any 'work' you put on now will makes for a simpler life later. Your son will grow up learning that people are different an Uncle Auty likes talking about cars but gets shouty if you move them. BiL will learn that little people squeal and run, but enjoy playing etc.
Above all this allows MIL to feel safe enough to leave him and recharge her batteries.

Slightly digressing, but is there a plan for when your MIL is older or can't cope/gets sick? Carers are entitled to respite care and sickleave.....but try getting it! There's a huge gap in these services and it's inly going to get worse.

Sassyfox · 09/03/2023 17:47

Can you not just rearrange seeing your sister another day or have her come to yours instead?

DangerNoodles · 09/03/2023 17:48

Does DP absolutely have to go into work? My boss often calls me first because he knows I'm most likely to come in. Looking after a toddler is hard enough without having to provide care to an adult when you have had so little experience of providing that kind of care. I would only try and make it work only if DP has no other option in those circumstances.

cocksstrideintheevening · 09/03/2023 18:10

Are you confident in caring for him at home for a day without the visit planned?

Greenfairydust · 09/03/2023 18:50

You sound a bit entitled...

Your partner did everything he could (booked leave) to be there for his brother and does all the caring himself.

I can't see why you can't rearrange your social plans for a day while he has to deal with something unexpected at work...

rwalker · 09/03/2023 19:06

it comes across as though you lack confidence rather than begrudge doing it

I wouldn’t go to your sisters and see if DH could come home it you needed him

pompei8309 · 09/03/2023 19:27

lenorchik · 09/03/2023 17:08

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Can your sister not come to you instead so you’re not alone and nervous about caring for the young man?

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/03/2023 19:41

I think you need to cancel your trip. To be honest you need to figure out BIL' s long term care because he is going to be your DP responsibility (and yours) for the rest of his life. MIL won't be around forever.

Original poster
lenorchik · 09/03/2023 20:47

Me and sister had planned me going to hers for weeks, and if I cancelled I'm unsure when id be again to see her next.

DPs work isn't urgent, they just want him to cover for someone off sick which they ask him to do quite a lot when he's on annual leave.

I know caring for both BIL and DS will be a struggle with having to keep an eye on them both, making sure they're occupied with something and that BIL isn't overwhelmed. They do get along quite well but obviously DS doesn't yet understand BILs struggles

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 09/03/2023 20:50

Can your sister come to you to take ds out for a while?

i think your DP has to say no to work. He’s off to care for BIL.

Maedan · 09/03/2023 21:11

If you don't feel up to it and you have plans tell him to stay home, his brother is his responsibility so he's not available to work 🤷

PartyWhere · 09/03/2023 21:17

DPs work isn't urgent, they just want him to cover for someone off sick which they ask him to do quite a lot when he's on annual leave.
What would the consequences be if he explained he has taken holiday to care for a dependent relative?

What strikes me is....what happens when MIL is no longer able to care for BIL? (Either to elderly, ill or has an accident.) Will your DP have to give up work to care for him? Can you afford this? Would it not be better to look for options (are there even any?) now before it becomes an issue?

PartyWhere · 09/03/2023 21:23

PS If you're not confident knowing how to deal with BIL (and if your DP really has to go in) then I wouldn't try a trip out to a place your BIL doesn't know well. I'd stay home and ask your sister to come to you or reschedule.

Corah5 · 09/03/2023 21:25

I would say no. You can’t be expected to care for his brother. That’s his responsibility. He can’t go in to work because he has caring responsibilities.