To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Now, if I'd arranged to see my sister, there'd be no problem at all with either moving the date or getting her to come here instead. But then, we both have transport and live within 10 minutes' drive of each other. Also we don't have any kind of health, employment or responsibility issues that would be much of an obstacle for either of us. Conversely, OP has not supplied details of her sister's situation but has implied it is far less simple than just "why can't you just...", and that if they do not meet this time it will be quite a long break before they do again. Whilst understanding that her DP's brother is in need of constant care, that doesn't mean OP's sister is tickety-boo and has no needs at all. OK, she's probably not overseas (for now?) as it's scheduled as a day visit, but there are lots of reasons why it isn't necessarily easy to reschedule.

The unreasonable party here is DP's work, calling in someone on annual leave especially (but by no means exclusively) when the leave is for care purposes. He needs to be able to say "I'm afraid that won't be possible". It's a bad situation if he is afraid to refuse an unreasonable request from them. They need to consider that if they don't take no for an answer they risk losing this normally obliging employee altogether.

If you cannot have him on your own in the house with your DS for one day why on earth you imagine it would work for the foreseeable in the future I have no idea.

There are lots of unknowns. When is MIL back ? Why wouldn't you be able to see your sister in the near future ?

You have looked after him for an hour before. So see it as a lot of small hours. Could your DH ask to do a short day ? Meet you half way ? Explain that you just feel he is too difficult for you to handle if he got upset.

And you will have to have a conversation with MIL. And DH I suspect. For whatever reason if they feel you will take on BIL full time this is not right. But you need to speak up. Wear a hard hat if need be and be ready for upset. He needs specialist help by the sound of it. That isn't you on your own.

Could your sister come to you and help out ?

I can’t honestly believe you’ve had a child together and committed to living with BIL in the future without ever caring for him for a day by yourself 😮.

She hasn't but assumes that family expect it to be so.

Why though? Lots of people commit to moving in with stepchildren without ever caring for them alone.

Of course. Women need to do all caring, even for people who aren’t their family member

Well, she would get to see her sister.
There might not be much to do in terms of BIL.
And DH would not cheese off his employer.
So why not. Suggesting it is not in any way some idea all women have to become carers. And if he is BIL to OP he is BIL to the sister too.

It’s not really like step children because they grow up and move out and are already on the way to 18 so at a max 18 years ish. This is going to end with BIL, OP, and her DP as a three with the children visiting. It’s a life choice and in my family we have lots of groups of relatives who have lived together as adults but not blind.

I think both MIL and DH's employer are being unrealistic, not to mention selfish. MIL can't dictate your life - hat if either of you get sick or even god forbid your DS? How will you cope with BIL then? She needs to allow respite care and do it now while she's around to normalise it for BIL.

As for DH work - mine tries to do this, call people in off annual leave or ask them to rearrange approved dates at short notice. Just NO! It's not right, it's not fair and it should not be tolerated. Employer needs to be more organised.

Your MIL is not helping either of her sons, refusing respite for your BIL is controlling and not in your BILs best interests, and her plan that your partner looks after his brother for the whole of his life is selfish, especially as she won't consider any other options by refusing respite care.

You need to have a serious talk with your partner, you can support your BIL without providing a home for him.

Pretty sure if OP had said she was meant to be seeing her brother, people would be suggesting he help too. This is really not about feminism.

Your MIL is not helping either of her sons, refusing respite for your BIL is controlling and not in your BILs best interests, and her plan that your partner looks after his brother for the whole of his life is selfish, especially as she won't consider any other options by refusing respite care. you’re inventing. You don’t know if bil can access any respite care, if it’s suitable for him or necessary if they are happy at home together. You don’t know how old everyone involved is. You don’t know if do wants to live with his brother. OP agreed to the plan so I’m not sure how they’d know she doesn’t when it comes to the point actually want to do it?

You need to have a serious talk with your partner, you can support your BIL without providing a home for him. this I think is true but you may find he doesn’t want to stay with OP. The kind of man who wants to care for his brother long term is unlikely to take kindly to have been misled in this way, even if OP truly believed she was up for living together it’s a bit of a 180 to not be able to do one day and seemingly not be able to
manage the care.

Ultimately, it's a hell of a commitment but yes, some people actively want to care for their loved ones before seeing them go into residential homes. Maybe that's the case for OP's partner. Maybe he enjoys being around his brother and doesn't see him as a great big burden. OP is under no obligation to stick around.

my sil ex had a borther that apprently co9uldnt be left alone-they were told he would live with sil and dp when the parents died

no discussion nothing no help for the brother-she said she wasnt willing to do that

There’s nothing wrong with saying you don’t want to do it, but why say yes and have a child together when you haven’t really thought about it? I think OP really doesn’t understand the damage she’s doing to this family. They thought they had a plan everyone was happy with. Talk to them now but a new plan might not make everyone happy and you may have to accept that this is a deal breaker.

I wonder if OP’s partner was happy with the plan as he assumed OP would be doing the majority of the care. Not sure how you can look after someone 24/7 when you have a full time job. If he splits up with OP, he will have to manage a job, looking after his brother and looking after his DC on his days

(After all, no one here can guarantee they will never be in a position where they have to care for a loved one)

He'll have to quit his job. OP has said nothing to indicate that it's assumed she'll be doing the majority of care. That is just speculation

Or he has a job that will progress to working from home or he is happy to use carers and he and his mother/brother have discussed it. Perhaps OP thinks that when the children are older it will be fine because they can remodel the house to accommodate all their needs.

This is unsustainable, and your MIL is being unreasonable. She isn't going to be capable of looking after your BIL for ever and it's not fair for her to decide alone things that could affect the rest of your and your childrens lives.

I am particularly concerned that you are referring to DP rather than DH - you seem to be being railroaded into becoming a full time carer with limited earning capacity for a life-long commitment to your DPs brother, rather than the short-term period of your own children's early years, and that's a very vulnerable position to be in.

Your BIL needs to be gradually and sensitively acclimatised to an appropriate sheltered living facility. Of course these places are very familiar with people with needs for a less social, less communal way of life, this is hardly unusual for people with autism spectrum conditions!

I wonder if your MIL is perhaps on the spectrum herself, given this black-and-white thinking?

For the current emergency, clearly you will need to cancel the visit to your sister unless your DP refuses to help out with the work emergency. I think I would be agreeing to cancel the sister visit solely on the condition that a more sensible and sustainable long-term plan is developed which doesn't involve you having to sacrifice the rest of your life once your MIL is no longer able to provide care.

@AllOfThemWitches the OP has said that she may end up doing most of the care as she WFH in the evenings

As it stands though, she's only looked after him for 1hr and his mum only really trusts his brother, so I think it's reasonable to suggest she could easily change her mind about this.

A lot of men absolutely would not take annual leave to care for their disabled relatives so I would not be quick to assume the guy is the sort to constantly palm his responsibilities off.

No she is fucking not.
OP, your partner needs to stay at home. His DB is not your responsibility and you have plans. It is quite cheeky of him to agree to this with his mother then fuck off to work. Dont even get me started on your MIL. They have both decided the future of you AND your son. Who does that?
His DB does not need to become YOUR priority.