To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

What would your DPs work place have done if you'd all gone away on holiday?
He has taken A/L to provide care for his brother. He is not available to go into work.

The OP also references him as partner not DH so assume not married. We wouldn’t be recommending an unmarried woman to give up her job in these circumstances, not sure why people are recommending a man should

It's a difficult situation. Did you always know about his brother and how your DP would potentially be taking on full-time care of him one day? In a lot of families, dependant relatives aren't treated like complete burdens and put in a home asap. Instead, they are taken care of by the family, within the family. This sounds like your DP's family. Which means BIL will always be part of your relationship. Kind of like a stepchild. It is something you should have been made aware of, definitely before you had children, so you could have decided if this is something you could accept. You really need to have a talk with your DP about the future and expectations

Should he choose to be his brother's carer (and yes, he might actually want to) he may have to come out of full time employment. Lots of people have to whether it's to care for their disabled children or relatives who are newly disabled or unwell.

Ultimately, caring for disabled or unwell people is a job that somebody has to do. Some families decide they would rather be the ones to take the job on.

Statistically, it's not out of the realms of possibility that some posters on this thread will find themselves in a position where they have to make the decision to become a carer or put their loved one 'in a home.' In fact, some will even require care themselves one day. I think seeing people who require full time care as an unwanted burden (which some of you clearly do) is a really worrying attitude.

And again, OP is free to leave her relationship or at least refuse caring responsibilities any time.

YABU and inflexible. Can't your sister come to your house?

I started reading this thinking I was going to be concluding your DP was really unreasonable. But as its one day in a set period you have BIL for and your DP is doing the majority I would do step in.

Your sister could come over your sister could have your son or you could take them both to see your sister if that's manageable. BIL is part of the family.

For me I would be much more bothered about a long term plan to become a full time carer for someone for potentially the rest of their life. I get MIL doesn't want this for BIL but there are a lot of places where he could live and progress in his independence skills and start to develop new social networks. But either way it's good to get to know and develop a relationship with him.

You're a bloke, right?

Haven't read all the replies yet but I did know about BIL before I had DS, he was also coming here then as DP has had him for a weekend a month since he first moved out. He goes to college 3 days a week and he may be going to a day centre place after if MIL finds one she thinks is suitable.

I'm 30 this year and DP is 30.

Some people will dislike him instantly because he is a man. He will be bound to be in the wrong. And there has to be a right or wrong. Never anything in-between.

Assuming MIL is mid fifties I would imagine he won’t be coming to live with you any time soon but I do think you should be straight with them. Lots of young people with disabilities live at home and go to college. Is he still under 25? 28% of under 34s live at home with their parents. Why would disabled children be expected to be in residential care when those with no challenges just stay home?
It sounds like you e changed your mind. So new plans need to be made.

To be clear, I don't think OP has done anything wrong whatsoever but I think mumsnet has declared MIL the villain without having the faintest idea what her thought process even is. She loves and cares for her vulnerable son, it's not an easy decision to hand him over for other people to look after. I think people with no experience of caring for a disabled relative have fuck all idea about the realities and generally end up spouting crap on these threads.

@lenorchik Did DP manage to have the day off?

Will you be financially independent if you have to care for BIL in the future?

Some people will dislike him instantly because he is a man. He will be bound to be in the wrong. And there has to be a right or wrong. Never anything in-between.

Funny because so often women with high standards for male behaviour have that because we know and love really brilliant men. I think the low standards some people have for male behaviour speak to their disdain for men. They expect nothing because they've met shitty men.

Your DP's work is taking the piss. He's on annual leave, what if he was out of the country?

Yes, DP did take the day off work. Will reply to the other replies later

Good for him.

Thanks for the update.