To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Given your update then no, you absolutely shouldn't take this on. Your DH needs to take the same advice so often given to women on here - stop being a doormat, in this case at the expense of his family.

If it's not urgent and important work which can only be covered by dh then I'd tell him not to go, and not easily change my own plans.

If he's finding his bro a strain and needs a break then you can spell him next week, and maybe he could think about how the whole thing is being dealt with as clearly his mum's getting older and will need more frequent and longer breaks, ds will be at school and you'll be back at work and what's he going to do then?

If DP has taken 2 weeks annual leave, is that half of the leave he gets for the year? Is that likely to be every year? If, so you need to think about what happens when your DS starts school and you have school holidays to cover.

Is there some sort of day supervision that your DP's brother could access? It might be helpful to give your DP's parents a break as well.

BIL mostly likely will end up living with us, which I don't have an issue with as it isn't his fault but I am unsure how it'll work with DPs job, I work now but luckily I WFH and do most my work when DS is in bed so it may be the case that in the future I do most of the care for BIL. MIL doesn't want him doing any assisted living etc as it’d most likely involve him living with other people and he isn't very social, she even refused respite care as it’d involve him being cared for by people she didn't trust. She only really trusts DP to care for him but doesn't ask very often, he does come here one weekend a month which is now part of his routine and that does give both MIL and BIL a break from each other.

Your DH needs to say no. He has plans, and so do you. His workplace is taking the piss.

That said, MIL sounds quite selfish not allowing respite care or assisted living - or any planning for the future.
Has anyone asked BIL what he wants? If possible, he needs to be given the opportunity to make his own choices. He may be more capable than she allows him to be. Surely planning for the future will make it less scary for him, too.

MIL doesn't want him doing any assisted living etc as it’d most likely involve him living with other people and he isn't very social, she even refused respite care as it’d involve him being cared for by people she didn't trust.

Your DP needs to deal with this ASAP. It is not fair on your BIL or your DP long term. It will be enough of a shock to your BIL if MIL can no longer care for him, without adding changing living arrangements on top.

Your MIL needs to use respite care for the weekends and maybe assisted living now he’s an adult. It’s really unfair that your DH is expected to take 2 weeks of annual leave to provide care for his brother. This means he won’t have much time for his Ds once he starts school. You and DH are already giving up your weekends and this needs to stop by the time DS starts school.

Your MIL ‘doesn’t trust’ trained carers, but is happy for your DH to sacrifice his own DW and ds in order to be his brother’s carer. Your DH needs to say NO. He needs to realise that MIL’s wishes don’t come at the expense of his own family.

This will sound harsh but it’s also not yours or your dis’s fault your bill is not well. I would think very hard about agreeing for my husbands brother to live with us, possibly until we die. It’s not something I could do. Mil needs to access care she and bil are entitled to. It’s really kind of your husband but is it fair on you and your son? You may have to be cruel to be kind and maybe now is when you start. If I had a child that needed care I wouldn’t expect my other child to do it.

Obviously the brothers care needs to come above work. The care is clearly complex if he has to be 1:1 continuously and so this should be left for your husband to undertake. Your husband knows brother well, knows his triggers, how to deescalate, will know what to do if he becomes overwhelmed and reactive or violent, can work with him 1:1. You on the other hand have the added complexity of not knowing how to care for brother while caring for a child who is a known trigger. This could be a recipe for disaster and safeguarding issues, clearly not in the best interest of the brother, your child or yourself.

Longer term the brother might find supported living enjoyable, enabling consistency, peers and some independence.

He's not unwell, he's autistic

You need to get your DP to speak to his Mum. Not using respite and expecting you and DP to look after BIL is detrimental to your BIl, DS and the both of you. Insisting she can and does do it all in the longer term isn’t in the best interests of anyone especially your BIL

Your MIL is missing a trick and limiting your BILs experiences, assuming that only she and DP can care for BIL. There are great places which could easily meet his needs and offer him an enriching environments. It’s also possible to buy in incredible support within MILs house.

MIL has decided on your behalf what the rest of your life will look like. Have you actually chosen this for yourself?

Don't sleepwalk into decades of care.

This is excellent advice please listen to this op.

So what happens when your DS grows and you miss out because of BIL?

What will you do when MIL is gone and you want a holiday?
Will you be able to care for your grandchildren?
What if DS emigrated?
Married abroad?
What will happen if he outlives you?

Listen to this. What will happen to your DS if you have BIL living white you who needs full time care? Will you never be able to take your DS away on holidays as a family, day trips out, visiting at university, what if he moves further away and has a baby? He will miss out on so much.

Ask I would absolute make him stay home. As I would want him to understand what HIS life is going to look like when HE agrees to his brother moving in.

If His mothers decisions are going to stunt anyones life it will be his.
You meet your sister because you have zero responsibility. Not to his brother and certainly not to his work.

If he can never be left alone does that mean when he lives with you, you and DH will never be able to go out together?

Even with BIL living at MILs your DH is having to give up 2 weeks annual leave to care for him. How sustainable is that?

Will your DC never be able to have friends round when BIL is staying/living with you as it will be overwhelming for him.

If he needs someone around 24/7 then he should really be in some form of assisted living.

What does MIL’s life look like at the moment?

I agree with the poster who said this arrangement is potential also massively limiting your bil's life opportunities. Your bill has his whole life ahead of him. Potentially he could be helped to become more independent, get involved in the community and find activities (work? Volunteer ING?) that make his life meaningful.

What happens if your DP dies before his brother or becomes to elderly to care for him? Are you also signing your DS to be his carer in future?

The longer you leave finding suitable care for him, the harder he will find adapting to it

Are you even married to your DP? It sounds to me like you’ve had his baby and are compromising your own work, when you’re not even married, and are now assuming care for his brother too at your own expense. I don’t mean to sound harsh, you’re a team of course, but don’t fall into the trap of being the one to make all the sacrifices at your own expense, just because you’re female.

I'm horrified that you seem to be passively accepting that the rest of your life will be spent caring.

You need to put your foot down, hard. I'd be considering divorce if my in laws expected this of me.

OP you need to wake up and start making active decisions here. Full time care for an adult that can't be left alone isn't something to walk passively into.

You have a child and your child's needs should come before your MILs preferences. I agree with PP, as kids get older you need more and more annual leave for them, there's more ferrying around etc. How does that all fit with providing 1:1 care for an adult?

Your BIL will benefit most from a stable and sustainable living situation not just good intentions.

I think it's admirable that DH is so willing to step in but I do think both you and your DS deserve a say in your own lives and MIL not wanting to accept respite care for BIL isn't fair on you, DH & DS. Everything is being set up for DH to take over from MIL in exactly the same capacity and with no outside help. Does that mean in years to come your DS will then have to take on that responsibility from DH? I wouldn't be too quick to sign all your lives away. MIL is likely to get more set in her ways as she gets older and if BIL never gets used to anyone but DH it's going to make your lives pretty tricky.

I hate to say it but your MIL is being rather selfish. No parent would want any caring role for their DC. Is FIL not around? How old is MIL? Are you married?
I would be very very fearful for the future here.