To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Why is it down to you to ask DP not to go to work? Has DP tried looking after DS and BIL on his own? It sounds like a big ask. DP should have told work no straight off the bat without you needing to worry about how to manage both dependants.

I agree with others that what your MIL is proposing for the future is unfair. It will be so limiting for you and your DS. Again, it should be DP starting to sort this out now.

Why does it take so long to arrange a visit to your sister? Is there any reason why she can't come to you?

Exactly. What life would that be for you?

Would BIL cope being around your sister if he doesn’t know her well?

Personally I’d rearrange a meet up with my sister for another day. It’s no different than if dh was looking after his young nephew and then got called into work.

All discussions about future living arrangements and MILs “selfishness” are completely inappropriate since none of us knows the young man or what is available to him locally.

@TomeTome the OP has said the MIL has refused to consider assisted living or respite care, so assume that is available. It is selfish to assume a sibling will take on the care of another sibling, especially when as in those case it is likely to be the partner of the sibling taking on most of the caring responsibilities. What happens if OP’s work can no longer be WFH. Will she gave to give up her job to care for BIL

Oh do give it a rest with the entitled label. Every time a women comes on here with a suggestion that she acts in her interests first she gets labelled by some twit as “entitled”. If she was entitled she would not be posting here for starters.
she had valid reasons not wanting to care for her BIL.

I wouldn’t go there. It’s the thin end of the wedge. Your DP is doing the caring, he tells work no.

I have already said that I won’t be doing any caring for PIL. I have nursed my own DP and that nearly killed me. DH can deal with his as I dealt with mine (alongside siblings). There is only so much you can do as well as working and raising your own family. Don’t give too much of yourself as it will ultimately be to your own detriment.

This will sound harsh but it’s also not yours or your dis’s fault your bill is not well.

Ffs he's autistic, not ill.

I think OP and her partner sound like wonderful people, I also think it's more complex than this man's mum simply being 'selfish.' Most of you won't have to worry about who will look after your adult children when you die so you won't get it.

It's not your problem to sort out. It's your partner's.

I wonder how work will react if he says he can't go in? It's not right he puts his job in jeopardy.

How old are you both? His brother is just 20.

I think you are underestimating the idea of his brother living with you permanently. This is a HUGE life-changing decision that has to be taken on a family level, with his parents.

You don't appear to appreciate the huge responsibility ahead of you and even now, a trip to see your sister has become a huge problem.

Have seen your update saying you think BIL may be with you long-term in the future. Firstly, well done you - if this is really something you can take on. Secondly, this will require great communication between you and DH and it’s never too soon to start. Thirdly, I think you should be optimistic that in the future you will know hoping better and he will know you better - but right now as you say you are not so tuned into him and taking him to an unknown situation without preparation and without DH is a big challenge. I don’t know how you solve today but working on it together and communication is the key. You and your DH sound lovely by the way.

your DP has caring responsibilities at the moment and should have said no to going in. You are not the default setting for your DPs brother, especially if you are not confident you can care for him properly.

Your arrangements are valid and your DP needs to acknowledge that. But, he needs to grow a pair and not just drop everything to work when he's not supposed to be there. That is a huge issue and tbh i wouldn't put up with that in a partner.

For today: can your sister come to you?

For the future: do not take on the care of DBIL. Your life as you know it would be over if you do.

Firstly, well done you - if this is really something you can take on.

'Well done'

???

If the OP is in her 20s, I doubt she has any concept of what she is agreeing to.
She's not even married to her P, so getting involved in being a carer for the rest of her life is not exactly sensible.

This is ONE incident that is causing her grief and he's only there for a short stay.

The parents ought to ensure he has the right care for the rest of his life. Why are they passing the buck?

@AllOfThemWitches the MIL should be thinking about who is going to look after BIL in the future and not just assuming OP will do it (as per normal default is the woman will do it).

I assume MIL doesn’t work. Both OP and her partner do. OP and partner look after BIL when she goes on holiday and when she needs a break. Who is going to do that for OP, or will they never be able to go on holiday or have any sort of break once MIL can no longer care for him

BIL mostly likely will end up living with us, which I don't have an issue with as it isn't his fault but I am unsure how it'll work with DPs job, I work now but luckily I WFH and do most my work when DS is in bed so it may be the case that in the future I do most of the care for BIL. MIL doesn't want him doing any assisted living etc as it’d most likely involve him living with other people and he isn't very social, she even refused respite care as it’d involve him being cared for by people she didn't trust. She only really trusts DP to care for him but doesn't ask very often, he does come here one weekend a month which is now part of his routine and that does give both MIL and BIL a break from each other.

What? no no no no no
You may be the loveliest person in the world but a woman you're not related to has decided that this is your, and your son's life after she dies?
She doesn't trust paid carers? No. FFS what happens if something happens to your DP? will you be caring for both of them?

You need to start making plans. Good plans. With backup plans. And backup plans to the backup plans. And you need to tell MIL that she must start trusting people and letting BIL live his life. Because when she dies, it is going to be a massive change for him. You having him once a month is, IMO, enough involvement for you, personally.

@Brefugee it will probably be before MIL dies, as she gets older she might not be able to care for him

I think your most recent post is telling. That is what you need to sort out.

the MIL should be thinking about who is going to look after BIL in the future and not just assuming OP will do it (as per normal default is the woman will do it).

From what OP has said, her partner would be willing to do it even if they were to separate. He's using his annual leave specifically for it. For now, they are a partnership and he's asked for help. OP doesn't want to on this occasion which is perfectly ok. Not sure why, once again, people are trying to make this a man vs woman issue.

Selfish you really are.

Could you ask your sister to come to you and help look after your DS so you can focus on BIL a bit more?

I'd do that for my sister

It’s not a matter of men vs women, it’s a absolute FACT that women take on most unpaid caring work, OP shouldn’t sleep walk into that position, especially when she’s not even married.

No she’s not.

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

You MIL has made a decision and now you have t turn your lives upside down. OF course caring for your loved ones is paramount but what happens when MIL cant look after BIL? Will your DH and you sit at home and have no lives, no income and not have any more kids etc to accommodate your BIL? You do need to help your DH and see if you can rearrange plans with your sister this time so he can work. I dont know the implications of your DH saying no to work. I am assuming you dont work. But you do need to find out what the care plans are in palce for your BIL in the coming years

Regarding your partner going into work while on annual leave, what would the company have done if you were actually away on a holiday and so unable to get into work? My ex husband sometimes took time off to carry out a DIY project at home and was always contacted by work about problems “ only he could deal with”. He got fed up with this so began to tell the boss that he was going abroad and would not be answering his work phone but would deal with emails if necessary.

My best friend was in a similar situation as you regarding a sibling, her twin sister has Downs Syndrome and is also autistic. They are a very close family and my friend often had her sister visit for holidays and family events. But their Mum did not want the care to fall on the siblings when she became unable to cope or died so, hard as it was, they looked into supported living in a group setting. It really was the best thing they did as their Mum died very suddenly at age 60 but my friend knew that her twin sister was well looked after so could focus her time on being power of attorney to act as Guardian.