To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Good grief, no no no way.

You need to tell DH to stay home as he's the one who agreed to care for his brother.

I also think you need to think carefully about allowing your MIL into manipulating you both to be the default carers for his brother in the longer term. Once you take over his care, you will have no life of your own at all and it will also impact on your son's childhood. What if you want more children? Surely you won't saddle your own child with providing care for the aging brother when you're too old/infirm?

There are many good long term caring facilities that support adults with additional needs that could actually provide a happier life for the brother with more supported activities than MIL can currently offer him. She's being very unreasonable not to thoroughly explore these options any further and expecting you to take over from her when she's no longer able.

You do need to help your DH and see if you can rearrange plans with your sister this time so he can work.

no, she doesn't. DP needs to grow a pair and tell his work that he is not the default "oh we can't manage" and especially not when he specifically has leave to care for his brother. His partner (OP) is not the default carer for when he's not there in a situation he can totally reject.

OP said this is a visit to her sister that has been long in the planning. Why should she rearrange her life when her DP is being a wet lettuce?

Baffled by all these replies saying you should change your plans. It sadly speaks volumes on the level of importance people put on work above family (your DBIL and your DSIS).

Your DH has booked a/l, he doesn't have a problem here, you don't have a problem here. Only his work has a problem.

You shouldn't change your plans because your DHs work aren't employing an adequate number of staff.

You are not being unsupportive of you DH. You are being a supportive DSIS and DW (especially as you are welcoming of DBIL living with you in the future).

Very simply, he tells work no.

It’s not a matter of men vs women, it’s a absolute FACT that women take on most unpaid caring work, OP shouldn’t sleep walk into that position, especially when she’s not even married.

It's an absolute FACT that OP says her partner is taking annual leave to take on unpaid caring responsibilities. In this situation it appears that HE is the one doing it.

Once you take over his care, you will have no life of your own

Lots of us care for disabled people. We have lives, they are just different from yours.

I think you should show some flexibility here. It sounds like your DH has really done his best to be around for BIL, but a situation has come up that wasn't planned for.
I think for the sake of all-round harmony, your sister can wait until next week. You'll have more fun then anyway, as reading between the lines, you find being a carer for your BIL quite stressful and difficult.

@AllOfThemWitches how do you propose they look after BIL full time when they both work and he can’t be left alone? How do they get a break?

Yes, except when he’s not. Did you not see her post about the future and the brother living with them?

If you really enjoyed your life, you wouldn’t feel the need to kick the OP whilst she’s down.

Misery loves company.

It's an absolute FACT that OP says her partner is taking annual leave to take on unpaid caring responsibilities. In this situation it appears that HE is the one doing it.

except when he gets called into work when he dumps it on her despite her not being confident about looking after HIS brother and her DS and ruining her plans. Men, eh?

Sorry can you please tell me exactly where I kicked her down? Was it where I said it's perfectly OK for her to stick to her original plans?

Your MIL has a very outdated view of ‘independent living’. I work in one of these and all care is person centred. Care plans take into account the clients needs and wishes.

By not allowing him to experience life she’s curtailing any further development of his own personality.

And you shouldn't try and tell strangers on the internet that their disabled relatives are secretly making them miserable when you know bugger all except that I've said it's not all doom and gloom 😆

He's asked her, she doesn't have to say yes? I ask my partner to help me out sometimes, he's not obligated to do anything for me.

The only selfish person in this situation is the MIL. She has access to respite care for the weekends and also assisted living for her disabled son. Instead, she guilt trips her other DS to care for his own brother when he has his own young Ds to look after. OP is expected to look after a grown man with complex needs as well as her young ds. OP’s DP is expected to use most of his weekends and annual leave on his brother rather than his Ds.

OP is asking for help. You are dismissing her concerns, dismissing broader issues and trying to shut down anyone giving her any advice.

If you love your life as a carer so much then it shouldn’t bother you if the OP thinks hard about whether to sign up for a life of unpaid care work.

but like I said, misery loves company…

Mumsnet as usual is such a cesspool when it comes to discussion of disabled people. It's ok to not want to cancel your plans to look after your partner's brother. It's not ok to talk about a disabled person as though they are nothing but an inconvenience who makes your life a living hell.

If you love your life as a carer so much then it shouldn’t bother you if the OP thinks hard about whether to sign up for a life of unpaid care work.

Again where did I say she shouldn't think hard? Youre actually outright lying and speculating about a complete stranger. I think if anyone has an issue here, it's you.

If you're so confident that you're right, feel free to quote me. You won't find anything that actually backs up what you're saying.

He's asked her, she doesn't have to say yes? I ask my partner to help me out sometimes, he's not obligated to do anything for me.

there is nothing in the OP to indicate he has asked her, only that he's been called into work. And OP wants to know if she should ask him not to. So it looks as though he has agreed to work, even though he is off to care for his brother, and now she's landed with caring for someone she's not confident she can care for properly. Nobody has asked her.

I agree that the most BU is MIL. But DP is not covering himself with glory here either (not even with his employer who apparently uses him as default cover whether he's available or not)

Well just to clarify, obviously I think DP should say no to work and would be a pushover otherwise.

As if mumsnet's view of living with disabilities is so awful that you can't even say 'hey, it's not necessarily all bad!' without someone jumping on you. 😆

You do realize "got called into work" isn't equivalent to God's voice out of the burning bush? OP has made it clear their request isn't about an emergence, just their convenience.

No it actually says that the man’s full time carer and parent doesn’t think respite or assisted living is suitable for him. She probably has a better idea than OP or posters on MN. It’s a BIG assumption to think that suitable accommodation is available. A huge number of the most visible (and by that I mean school age high functioning children who have parents/teachers/paediatricians) are not receiving even basic education and healthcare. It doesn’t take a genius to imagine that if your needs are higher and you are less visible provision might be hard to find and suitable provision impossible.
I’m not sure why it’s selfish to expect siblings to care for each other. I personally would care for any of mine if they needed me. I’m not sure what the point of being alive is if you can’t look after the people you love. But it’s this brother who has said he will care for his brother. His dp can say she won’t help but I’d think less of her for it. Her dp sounds like just the sort of person you’d want to be with. Part of that is doing his best for his brother.

I’d help out and go to my sister another day.
Must be pretty important if they’ve asked him to come in during scheduled leave.