To ask DP to stay off work tomorrow to look after his brother

[lenorchik]

My DPs brother (20) is currently staying with us, he's been here since Monday as MIL is away and he can't be left alone as he has ASD and isn't independent.

I don't have a problem with him staying here, the only issue is someone has to be with him all the time.

DP has been doing most of his care and he's booked annual leave for this week and next, however he's now been asked to go in tomorrow to cover for someone else.

I have plans to take DS to my sisters tomorrow which would mean i’d also have to take BIL. I have cared for him before at MILs when DP went out to the shops, but that was only for about an hour.

I'm also not sure what ill do if he gets overwhelmed as earlier DS picked up an item which is BILs but he found it on the floor, and BIL snatched it from DS so DS started crying and BIL got overwhelmed and DP had to take him out

WIBU to ask DP to not go into work tomorrow?

Part of that is doing his best for his brother.

but he isn't. He is going to work (I guess, OP hasn't been back) when he really ought not to. So DP's job has priority over his brother and his partner (and her sister) and the people being inconvenienced by that (OP and sister) haven't been consulted.

As for siblings should look after each other? Meh. Some might want to. Some might be guilted into it. And that is shit. I have always been very clear with my DH and my own family that i am not up for caring responsibilities in the long term for anyone (except my DH if necessary) and that i am not a selfless caring person so there is no need to try to guilt trip me. So we all know where we are (and i don't expect anyone, not even DH if he doesn't feel up to it) to care for me.

I do, however, ask people before i dump on them. Especially when i know they have plans

@TomeTome they both work, how do they care for someone 24/7? DH is only able to care for BIL whilst MIL is away because he has taken annual leave, and even that hasn't worked out as planned. Are you expecting him to give up his job when MIL is no longer able to care for BIL?

What happens if BIL can't cope around their DC, do you expect OP and DC to move out so BIL can live with his brother?

I think it is incredibly selfish to expect a relative to take on 24/7 care of someone

Change your visit to your sister. Your DH has already done plenty.

OP said "DPs work isn't urgent, they just want him to cover for someone off sick which they ask him to do quite a lot when he's on annual leave." Her DP is letting other people walk all over him, and she has to bear the burden. Not acceptable.

If he has made a commitment between him and his family then he will have to tell work no.

Absolutely this.

Having someone for a weekend in no way compares to full-time responsibility.

Your MIL sounds quite selfish in that she is insisting your partner and you sacrifice your future to be 24/7 care for your BIL.

The enormity of the ask and presumption for you to never so much as be able to go out for a few hours, without finding care, is really huge.

How do you think that will impact your child and his future.

Your MIL should be availing of respite to help prepare your BIL for the fact respite will very likely be a part of his life, as will a care facility.

You sound like a very kind woman but very naive to what you are being presumed to take on.

Every school run?
Every match?
Every party?

Not a single moment not managing his brother and his challenges?

I have an old school friend who's older sister had a very very slight learning disability.
She was never allowed to leave the house without her sister in tow.
It made life tough for her, friendships very tough.
Not a walk to the shop could she do without her sister who was 3 years older.

Her sister was both a bit bossy and demanding and the whole family revolved around her.

My school friend told me once that there was indeed a clear expectation that her sister would live with her forever, and her parents went on and on about it.

She told me it wasn't happening and she was leaving once she qualified.

She took a job two hours away the minute she qualified as an accountant, even though she had her pick of jobs in the city.

Her parents were stunned and angry.
But she was gone.
She met and married two hours away too.

Her sister and parents got on with it as they had to make another plan.

Unlike your BIL she actually was capable of living independently and she has her own apartment in a little community with a warden, close to her parents and lives her life very happily I believe.

My old school friend whom I haven't seen in years was put in an awful position and her childhood was absolutely blighted by never being allowed a moment to herself witout factoring in her sister.

Be very careful about what you casually agree to.

This situation today will be your future 24/7...constant compromise and negotiation.

You can support your partner without agreeing to this 24/7.

Wishing you well.

I don't think he should go in if he is on annual leave. That is quite cheeky of them to interrupt his annual leave.

Agree. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

Yes I agree, it's very sad how ableist Mumsnet can be

OP was asking if she should say no to the request to mind her BIL. So she obviously could if she wanted to.

In some ways I think it’s good this has happened (and I do wonder if MIL is trying to see if they’re really up to it or she should make other plans). It sounds like @lenorchik thought she was up to it but isn’t really. So I think you probably need to have a long chat with dp, OP. Then he can decide what he wants his future to look like.

Exactly. What matters more ? Putting your DH in an awkward position at work - or your visit to see your sister. If I was your DH I would be very miffed with you.

Dh needs to tell work it is not possible to come in. It isn't an emergency, they need to solve for their own staffing issues.

Your partner’s work should be more organised. If someone is on Annual Leave they should not be asked to work at all.

Agree. Work is not the be all and end all.

Unsurprising though, it always goes like this.

What about work putting on him @Guis23? He's on annual leave. What if OP was working today, would she have to have the day off so she could look after BIL so her partner could go into work even though he is meant to be on annual leave.

What? Why can’t you take your son to your sister’s on a day when your partner is there? It’s one day out of two weeks that he has off work?

OP, what is going to happen to BIL when your MIL passes away? Surely you and he can't be expected to completely change your life and have him live with you? I'd imagine that would be out, right? She wouldn't burden your DH and your family like this. So has MIL inquired about disability community homes? I would have thought getting him into one of these places would be a priority.

So has MIL inquired about disability community homes? I would have thought getting him into one of these places would be a priority. really? That’s interesting, do you know the young man involved or his brother? How have you come to the conclusion that institutional living is the best for him? Have you chosen that for yourself or your children?

Maybe just maybe disabled people don’t need to be hidden away in institutions and maybe they’re not a burden at all.

I agree with this.

I have sympathy for all involved but this is your life! You only have one and you're a long time dead. It's a huge sacrifice for your family to make and there is good care to be found that doesn't involve you giving up your families freedom.

Please don't agree to commit to this. As harsh as it sounds I would divorce before agreeing.

Agree with this. You need to put your foot down now. BIL is not your DP's responsibility or yours. With the right support in place BIL could have a better life than he has now with more opportunities and experiences.

It's all very well calling it ableism but having a family member who will never be able to be left alone is going to have massive implications for everyone in the family. It's only sensible to think about the practical reality of the situation.

What happens when OP wants to go back to work, what about when their child wants to go places? What about school runs?

I'm sure the original soy had already been dealt with as it was today your DP was querying going to work.
In your shoes I would have asked my sister to come to me, I go and pick her up drip her back off etc just to support your partner in this case. You then have someone to take your DC out if it all becomes a bit much.

I can fully understand your DPs mum not wanting her child care.
I'm sure your DP has a vague idea of what it will look like to be full time carer watching his mum. Just be sure you are happy this is the right decision for you as a family, I think it's a great thing your DP is doing, and you if you are happy to do it.

Maybe the BIL could be more independent, but not given the opportunities by MIL. If BIL can't cope with a little one touching a toy, would he be able to cope in a busy family home? Would it really be the best for him?

You misunderstand me. I don't mean it as in 'stick him in a home', I mean there are community group homes - they're probably called something else there, where people with disabilities live, as group/friends and have quality care, activities etc. Assisted living. Not just some 'home'.