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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how or if to put this right

525 replies

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:13

A bit of a long one here, and changed n as me so it can’t be linked back to my other posts…
Behind the housing estate where I live is a lovely big field known as the football field, all the local kids head there at the weekend for a kick about and play. It is a proper field though- not a rec or anything.

Anyway me and my boys were there a few weekends ago and there was a woman walking her dog off lead. It stopped for a shit and she carried on walking and didn’t pick it up. I shouted over and told her to pick it up, and she just carried on walking. I headed over and cut her off and told her to go and pick up her dogs mess. She told me she’d go back for it later and to mind my own business and went to walk off. I did at this point block her way (probably a mistake in retrospect) and told her kids were playing and it was disgusting. She replied that it wouldn’t be a problem if my kids stayed on the footpath and it was her field. Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.

anyway we went to go over there at the weekend and there is now electric fence up either side of the path, all properly signed and everything, and I’ve heard on the grapevine my neighbours are furious that the kids can’t play there anymore. Apparently a few have spoken with the lady (she does actually own it-what are the chances?) and she is saying that she felt frightened and intimidated by someone, and now doesn’t want the kids using it any more and is going to move some of her sheep in there once it’s had a ‘rest’ I think this is just an excuse to justify the fence.

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry. Should I find her and apologise? Apparently she just heads round the field once a day with a scooper to tidy it, all my neighbours seem to think she is gods gift even doing this. Was I in the wrong? I really think I have dropped a clanger here, what should I do?

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 09/03/2023 18:18

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:44

I don’t know what the rest means- it’s just what I was told. I commented to a neighbour that the fence seemed spiteful and they said that since her husband died the lady had enjoyed letting the kids play there, but now no longer felt safe after an ‘altercation’ on her land about a dog so they were moving the sheep down there once it had rested. I didn’t want to say anything, but thought the wording was a bit strong! Maybe a previous poster is right and it wasn’t just me who had said something to her.

Write a letter to her and maybe send some flowers.

You were acting like a bully.

Maybe she will accept your apology

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 09/03/2023 18:20

On a serious note.

I don't think she will accept an apology because she will know exactly why you are apologising.
I hope you are not new resident. They often ruin long standing arrangements and agreements (sorry everyone, nkt sorry)

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2023 18:22

Why on earth would you decide to show up at her house when she's already made it quite clear that she felt intimidated by you?

It's her land and you tried to intimidate her into behaving a certain way on it. Unfortunately your actions had consequences.

Undisclosedlocation · 09/03/2023 18:22

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 18:17

So I take it the majority of people on here would be quite happy for their children to play on a field where the owner lets their dog shit on it and doesn't clear it up. Mumsnet is very strange at times.

No I wouldn’t. The solution to my dilemma would be to stop trespassing on private land.

the farmer was being generous in allowing it informally (and if I was the farmer I’d have cleared up the shit b we’d firee we brr err img asked tbh) but there is no right for anyone to insist on the state of land that the public shouldn’t even be on!

Undisclosedlocation · 09/03/2023 18:23

Wow that was quite some typo! Hopefully you got the gist 😂

acuppatea · 09/03/2023 18:23

Obviously it wasn't ok for you to intimidate her and block her path, I can see how she felt intimidated.

However I'm not sure she's such a "nice lady" for letting the kids play on her land when she's knowingly leaving dog shit on it. If I'm going to have children playing in my garden, I make 100% sure there's no dog shit that could be accidentally stepped in. I would be really upset knowing a child had made themselves ill or trod it into their house if I could have prevented that by picking it up.

I also don't buy that she was coming back later to pick it up. Maybe she has laser eyes and GPS-like brain for finding dog shit, but personally unless I walk straight over to it as it's coming out of my dogs bumhole, there's a fair chance I will spend a while looking for it. There's no way I could come back and pick it up later in a grassy field without sticking a flag in it!

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 18:24

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:26

@neilyoungismyhero it is quite old fencing by the looks of it-I think they’ve just moved it from elsewhere on the farm. I don’t think she’s actually spent any money. Hopefully she’ll take it down when she’s calmed down!

Of course she's spent money. Did it just uproot itself and fly over? She's also used time and energy making plans and shuffling her animals. I dare say she's consulted her solicitor and accountant too.
Your attitude outrages me. You bullied a person into an action that you believed was right....I'm kind of on the fence here but essentially you made a mistake. Now you're using words like 'excuse' to have the fence. She doesn't need an excuse, it's her bloody land. You seem to think moving the fence there or back is no big deal and finally you're hoping she'll 'calm down'....not because she's had the fright of her life, but so she'll take the fence down.
Do I think you should apologise? Most definitely yes. Do I think you should try and influence her to take the fence down...NO! If your son asks what's happened tell him you frightened her. He'll have witnessed it. Whilst you're at it ask him if he's ever frightened of you, ask friends too if you're intimidating....you might not like their answers.

NumberTheory · 09/03/2023 18:27

Something you could try, OP, if your apology doesn’t work (which I suspect it won’t), is organizing your parish council to buy a field and put a rec in for the kids in the area. Then they’ll have somewhere to play that dogs would be banned from (or banned from part of) where you aren’t relying on the goodwill of someone you don’t even recognise. And maybe you could have some playground equipment for smaller kids. Goal posts for the footballers and seating or something for the teens who don’t want to play football or run around.

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 18:31

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 16:29

The OP didn't intimidate her. She didn't know she owned the field so asked her to clean up after her dog, and just made sure she did. I am a dog owner and I wish more people were like the OP.

She didn't intimidate her...really?
"I shouted.....l head over and cut her off...I blocked her way.....l made her pick it up"
Sounds pretty intimidating to me.

mybunniesandme · 09/03/2023 18:31

The thing is you don't actually sound sorry or contrite about it

First post was about how you are worried your neighbours will find out it's you

Second post was bleating on about what kind of fence she has used

Third post was full of self entitlement that said fence was "spiteful"

Last post "we need to get it back"

Honestly you sound like a bloody self centred selfish entitled ex city dweller

There is nothing to get back. It wasnt yours in the first place and you had use of it by her good grace

You don't actually sound sorry at all and your apology quite frankly if you did go round to see her is shallow and self serving

Notimeforaname · 09/03/2023 18:31

Well that's what you get for acting like a dick.

Fine you can ask someone to pick something up but who do you think you are demanding a stranger do as you say and then blocking their way and trying to control them?!

Youd want to stop doing stupid things like that or one day you'll get the head slapped off you by the wrong person.

whatadayforadaydream · 09/03/2023 18:32

People who don’t pick up dog poo are shitty. But that’s not a good excuse for you to physically and verbally intimidate them. I think you are in the wrong through and through on this, even if it hadn’t been her field.

SeulementUneFois · 09/03/2023 18:34

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 09/03/2023 16:29

You intimidated a woman on her private field that she kindly allowed others to play on?

You fucked up, and you sound like a bully.

Lesson learned, hope your neighbours don't find out it was you.

This.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 09/03/2023 18:34

Definitely don't go round, you'll end up making more of an arse of yourself than you already have. You're very lucky you didn't have the police at your door, maybe that's because she doesn't know who you are. Reading your posts, I suspect this is karma catching up with you after years of intimidating and bullying behaviour. You were right to ask her to pick it up, you were wrong to block her way, twice, and then supposedly "made" her pick it up. Hope your boys have another parent present to actually teach them life's basics.

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 18:41

D20 · 09/03/2023 16:29

Oops OP. I doubt she’s going to take the fence down now but I probably would have done the same as you.

What does the field need a rest from though before the sheep go in?

I'd imagine it needs to rest to allow the grass/vegetation to 'recover' from hundreds of feet walking over it...it'll need to settle before they establish what they've got in way of natural vegetation. They might test the soil too (worm count, phosphates etc) before they put the sheep in. Farming pretty technical now.

Bargoed · 09/03/2023 18:41

You sound is entitled and horrid. Your only concern is 'getting the field back for you kids' while just constantly minimising your actions and showing zero actual empathy for how you made the woman feel.

diddl · 09/03/2023 18:44

I mean if it's just a field & not a kids play area-did she have to pick up her dog shit even if she didn't own it?

Ideally yes, but there wouldn't be any consequences would there?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2023 18:47

diddl · 09/03/2023 18:44

I mean if it's just a field & not a kids play area-did she have to pick up her dog shit even if she didn't own it?

Ideally yes, but there wouldn't be any consequences would there?

Yes - it's illegal not to pick up after your dog - if you're caught you can get a fine and end up in court if you refuse to pay.

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 18:48

diddl - Of course people need to clear up after their dog whether it's a field, the middle of a wood or wherever. It doesn't matter whether there's consequences or not. It's called being a responsible dog owner.

BadNomad · 09/03/2023 18:50

It's illegal to not pick up dog poo on your own property?

whatadayforadaydream · 09/03/2023 18:51

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2023 18:47

Yes - it's illegal not to pick up after your dog - if you're caught you can get a fine and end up in court if you refuse to pay.

Show quote history

I actually don’t think it is in rural areas. We have some fields and woods by us that are covered in dog poo and I am pretty certain someone complained on the community Facebook page only to have explained in details it wasn’t illegal (no doubt by the non-picker-uppers).

LisaD1 · 09/03/2023 18:52

I say good on her. You’ve ruined it for everyone now due to your own appalling behaviour. She told you it was her field, she told you she would pick it up later and you went ahead and intimidated a widow on her own land. I’d make sure the electric fence was plugged into the mains if I were her and never have anyone on my land again.

whynotwhatknot · 09/03/2023 18:53

who did you think owned it-if its not public land

BessieSurtees · 09/03/2023 18:53

Looks like you’ve shit in your own nest then.

Im sure the truth will come out at some point.

YANBU to ask the woman, I hate people who don’t pick up their dog poo, how would they find it later? But YABU physically blocking her way, whether you believed it was her field or not.

Did you consider picking it up yourself rather than using threatening behaviour to make her pick it up?

InfluencerHag · 09/03/2023 18:54

Good for her, you acted like a cunt. Blocking her path on her own land.