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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how or if to put this right

525 replies

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:13

A bit of a long one here, and changed n as me so it can’t be linked back to my other posts…
Behind the housing estate where I live is a lovely big field known as the football field, all the local kids head there at the weekend for a kick about and play. It is a proper field though- not a rec or anything.

Anyway me and my boys were there a few weekends ago and there was a woman walking her dog off lead. It stopped for a shit and she carried on walking and didn’t pick it up. I shouted over and told her to pick it up, and she just carried on walking. I headed over and cut her off and told her to go and pick up her dogs mess. She told me she’d go back for it later and to mind my own business and went to walk off. I did at this point block her way (probably a mistake in retrospect) and told her kids were playing and it was disgusting. She replied that it wouldn’t be a problem if my kids stayed on the footpath and it was her field. Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.

anyway we went to go over there at the weekend and there is now electric fence up either side of the path, all properly signed and everything, and I’ve heard on the grapevine my neighbours are furious that the kids can’t play there anymore. Apparently a few have spoken with the lady (she does actually own it-what are the chances?) and she is saying that she felt frightened and intimidated by someone, and now doesn’t want the kids using it any more and is going to move some of her sheep in there once it’s had a ‘rest’ I think this is just an excuse to justify the fence.

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry. Should I find her and apologise? Apparently she just heads round the field once a day with a scooper to tidy it, all my neighbours seem to think she is gods gift even doing this. Was I in the wrong? I really think I have dropped a clanger here, what should I do?

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 18:47

Casilero - How is me asking someone to pick up after their dog bullying?

Meceme · 10/03/2023 19:21

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 18:47

Casilero - How is me asking someone to pick up after their dog bullying?

Asking is one thing. Telling, getting in someone's face, standing in their path, refusing to believe them, intimidating them is something else. We are all in charge of our own behaviour not other people's.
Attitude and tone carries a lot of weight.

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:30

Meceme - Well then Casilero obviously needs to read my post again.

Meceme · 10/03/2023 19:46

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 16:13

choccie - None of us on here know what the arrangement was. Reading the OP's posts where she says it's a field where children play football and play sounds as though it's common knowledge between the locals that the lady who owns the field lets children in general play on there. Or it might have started off with just one family asking permission and then just escalated from there. Who knows.

If it had been me in the OP's situation and I saw a lady letting her dog foul without picking it up I would shout to her if she was a distance away to pick it up. If she ignored me and carried on walking I would assume that she didn't hear me or was blatantly ignoring me so yes I would approach her and ask her to pick it up. If she told me that she would do it later and to mind my own business then I would ask why she couldn't do it now and ask her if she needed a bag as being a dog owner I always have bags in my coat pocket.

If I already knew that she owned the field then no I wouldn't have said anything to her in the first place, but I wouldn't want my children playing there.

So yes I do think the OP was right to say something because she didn't know the lady owned the field but she was wrong to insist that she picked it up once she found out she was the owner.

So you would shout to (at) her, approach her, ask her (on her own land that you need her permission to be on if off footpath), ask her again when she tells you to mind your own business, offer (tone again) her poo bags and only when she tells you it's her land would you back off. No wonder she's fenced off the path.

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

viques · 10/03/2023 20:04

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

I dunno, use their common sense I suppose. Or ask. “Hey, does someone the field that all the kids play footie on? Or is it common land?”

( “ oh look, here’s a field, I don’t suppose it belongs to someone, it’s just full of grass, shall we build a house on it, or turn it into a caravan park, doesn’t seem to have anyones name written on it.”)

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 20:09

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

She said it was her field. That's how OP knew.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/03/2023 20:09

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

Well, maybe you'll meet the landowner and they'll tell you.

Assume 60-something women must be lying about something like that at your peril.

Meceme · 10/03/2023 20:13

Fields are almost all private, part of farmland. At a basic level, you know you dont own the land.
If it was common land you wouldn't need a designated footpath as you could roam anywhere.
Most farms have footpaths across some fields. Just because people have the right to cross a field does not give them the right to play, picnic, exercise dogs or otherwise use the rest of the field.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 20:18

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

Because she literally told the OP it was her field. The OP decided not to believe her for some stupid reason.

Identifyingasadolphin · 10/03/2023 20:23

In answer to your last line OP - what can I do?

I think the only way back from here is to enlist he help of a third party, a village elder, someone respected and well known, who is known to the lady landowner. (Parish Council / Churchwarden/another respected landowner maybe?)

Someone who can intervene on your behalf, to say you are new to the area, have made a terrible mistake, how remorseful you are, deeply regret your actions / whatever, and for the greater good - would she consider access again after a suitable period of time has elapsed…

KarmaStar · 10/03/2023 20:35

You can't rectify it.
Is there anywhere else locally that can be used or adapted to use as a football ground.
unfortunately I doubt this lady is going to change her mind after your behaviour.
could the locals do some find raising to help buy some land or petition the council for an area to be provided?
It's a real shame this has happened.

LuluLehman · 10/03/2023 22:48

venus7 · 10/03/2023 09:15

'She didn't look like a landowner'; what do they look like then? Clearly very unlike 60 year old women........you are sexist as well as entitled.

Show quote history

And ageist.

Casilero · 11/03/2023 03:33

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 19:58

But how would someone know that the field was private if it's not fenced off and there's a footpath alongside it.

Why do you need to know who's land it is to prevent you being a twat? How about you just wind your neck in? You stick to policing your own garden, and by all means focus on litter picking within communal areas. But other that, if it's not your land, what goes on in the land you do not own is probably none of your business. There's nothing stopping you buying your own field, which you could police until your hearts content.

Casilero · 11/03/2023 03:49

I can't get my head round the fact 17% of people think the OP was not being unreasonable. And people have actually come on here to support OP.

It's so sad that people cheer on this horrible bullying behaviour. I'm getting a bit sick of this "let's call them out" mentality to be honest. How about "let's be nice to each other and see where that gets us"?

ootb · 11/03/2023 05:01

I don't think OP is a man. Male and female bullies exist in equal measure. I've come across loads of "civic minded" neighbourhood police / bullies like her, who also tend to boss people around selectively depending on appearance/perceived status within the neighbourhood. (I'm a foreigner – not European/"prestigious" race – and more crucially, I perpetually resemble a shabby student. My British, middle-class DH's experience of those exact same people is very different: pleasant, lovely, civic-minded.)

Barnowl25 · 11/03/2023 05:09

. How many women in their 60s ambling around with a dog are actually farmers???

I am 63 and amble around with my dogs, own land and sheep and I am not alone. Not all farmers are male..... and not all farmers are under 60. What a strange thing to think

magicthree · 11/03/2023 05:24

stillcantthinkofaname · 10/03/2023 07:37

Fucking landowners. Yeah you were OTT in blocking her way and as neighbours you could definitely say sorry if you want, there’s no point dying on the hill of 1 dog shit you happened to see being laid. On the other hand, she lets kids play there and thinks it’s ok to leave dog shit there for the day knowing they may get stomped, and now she had been challenged she is doing a shame exchange on you and using being ‘afraid’ as a reason to withdraw access to her land for a bunch of kids who are clearly less important to her than her own sense of entitlement. What an arsehole frankly, she’s just booted your community in the face and everyone is so conditioned to accept land ownership rights over rights to access and space to play they don’t even challenge it. I’m sure she thinks she’s kind/a victim but what a load of total bullshit. Most of this country is now owned by people who inherited their land, don’t work, didn’t earn it, won’t share it. Christ don’t get me started on landlords.

Ooohhh - someone's got a chip on their shoulder!!! Your rampant envy is showing dear.

Mamamia7962 · 11/03/2023 08:29

Casilero - Why don't you wind your neck in. So you want the "let's be nice approach" to people who let their dogs shit on playing fields, footpaths etc. " Oh I see you haven't picked up after your dog, well that's ok, no problem, you just leave it there for children and other adults to step in"

Now that's being a twat.

callthataspade · 11/03/2023 08:37

Mamamia7962 · 11/03/2023 08:29

Casilero - Why don't you wind your neck in. So you want the "let's be nice approach" to people who let their dogs shit on playing fields, footpaths etc. " Oh I see you haven't picked up after your dog, well that's ok, no problem, you just leave it there for children and other adults to step in"

Now that's being a twat.

It's not a playing field love. It's private property.

She can do whatever the hell she likes.

Hth

Mamamia7962 · 11/03/2023 08:50

callthataspade - Read Casilero's post again. She told me to just "police my garden" and she wants the "be kind to everyone" approach, love.

HTH

Snowsurprised · 11/03/2023 08:56

I wonder if we’ll ever get an update on this one.

callthataspade · 11/03/2023 09:21

Mamamia7962 · 11/03/2023 08:50

callthataspade - Read Casilero's post again. She told me to just "police my garden" and she wants the "be kind to everyone" approach, love.

HTH

Haha oh my god. Are you okay?

I'm replying to your post.

Your weird argument that this farmer should do anything with her own land is bizarre

Hope you feel better soon

callthataspade · 11/03/2023 09:24

Snowsurprised · 11/03/2023 08:56

I wonder if we’ll ever get an update on this one.

I'm sure the op is cursing their need for anonymity means they can't do a sad face photo op for the daily Mail.

Maireas · 11/03/2023 09:58

Possibly with a sad child holding a football and looking longingly through an electrified fence.