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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how or if to put this right

525 replies

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:13

A bit of a long one here, and changed n as me so it can’t be linked back to my other posts…
Behind the housing estate where I live is a lovely big field known as the football field, all the local kids head there at the weekend for a kick about and play. It is a proper field though- not a rec or anything.

Anyway me and my boys were there a few weekends ago and there was a woman walking her dog off lead. It stopped for a shit and she carried on walking and didn’t pick it up. I shouted over and told her to pick it up, and she just carried on walking. I headed over and cut her off and told her to go and pick up her dogs mess. She told me she’d go back for it later and to mind my own business and went to walk off. I did at this point block her way (probably a mistake in retrospect) and told her kids were playing and it was disgusting. She replied that it wouldn’t be a problem if my kids stayed on the footpath and it was her field. Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.

anyway we went to go over there at the weekend and there is now electric fence up either side of the path, all properly signed and everything, and I’ve heard on the grapevine my neighbours are furious that the kids can’t play there anymore. Apparently a few have spoken with the lady (she does actually own it-what are the chances?) and she is saying that she felt frightened and intimidated by someone, and now doesn’t want the kids using it any more and is going to move some of her sheep in there once it’s had a ‘rest’ I think this is just an excuse to justify the fence.

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry. Should I find her and apologise? Apparently she just heads round the field once a day with a scooper to tidy it, all my neighbours seem to think she is gods gift even doing this. Was I in the wrong? I really think I have dropped a clanger here, what should I do?

OP posts:

nonevernotever · 09/03/2023 17:43

But she hasn't blocked the access @MajorCarolDanvers OP says that the owner has put fencing up on either side of the path. All she's done is prevented people from leaving the footpath to access the rest of the field. And even in Scotland landowners are allowed to put up fencing in order to manage their land /livestock appropriately.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2023 17:44

Newsflash, women 55+ can be/do all sorts of things/jobs.
I can remember being widowed and finding joy in being out with my dog. You're lucky she was vulnerable and didn't wrap her dog lead around her hand to smack you one. Remember your actions if your son is ever intimated by someone while playing out.

butterfliedtwo · 09/03/2023 17:44

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:26

@neilyoungismyhero it is quite old fencing by the looks of it-I think they’ve just moved it from elsewhere on the farm. I don’t think she’s actually spent any money. Hopefully she’ll take it down when she’s calmed down!

You're not even sorry for behaving appalling and disbelieving her when she said it was her land. She doesn't need to calm down, it's entirely her decision whether you get access.

You're being very entitled. Stay away from her and her property.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 09/03/2023 17:45

Judging by your attitude, I'm not sure you're actually capable of putting this right so I'd leave her alone.

ShakespearesBlister · 09/03/2023 17:45

As for 'we' really need to get it back - do you mean 'I' really need to get it back before the neighbours all find out who fucked it up for the whole estate? it wasn't yours to get back. Do you honestly think someone you treated that way is going to want to allow the estate to continue using her land when she's got people being so confrontational? Out of interest, who's land did you think it was when you were all letting your kids use it? It must have been obvious it didn't belong to the estate?

Undisclosedlocation · 09/03/2023 17:53

And what’s with the whole ‘we NEED it back’ crap?

it’s not yours, you have absolutely no rights whatsoever and your behaviour blew it for everyone. Yet you still bang on about getting the field back and it’s all you, you, you……

SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2023 17:54

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 17:15

I didn’t think she owned it because she didn’t look like a farmer or land owner. How many women in their 60s ambling around with a dog are actually farmers???

I know the farmhouse now and take her a bottle of wine and some flowers and see if I can smooth things over.

theres no where else within walking distance the kids can play football, it’s all woods, or fields of cow or sheep or ploughed so we really need to get it back. I never thought I’d miss the suburbs with a good rec!!

Well around here many sixty somethings ambling around with dogs are farmers . Surely pretty common in any rural area ?
There was a similar situation locally where a landowner allowed others to use her field but they then started to act as though it was their land, in the end she had to stop them using it.
I have fields, with no livestock on at the moment. I don’t allow anyone else on them for this reason.
I feel really sorry for the farmer, she tried to do a kind thing and had someone shouting at her, barring her way ON HER OWN LAND , and then making her clean up after her dog. I am not surprised she doesn’t want to open the land up anymore. Nobody should be worrying about how they might be treated when they are in their own place.
So yes OP, you are massively in the wrong and behaved like an entitled bully.

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 09/03/2023 17:56

Your entitlement is outstanding

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/03/2023 17:57

And as it turns out, she does go around and pick up in her own field. 🤷 Just not to the OP's timetable.

You'd never guess the local landowners and farmers around here, did you expect them all to be Fairfax & Favour and Barbours?

LAMPS1 · 09/03/2023 18:00

“Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.”

I’m wondering exactly how you ‘made’ her pick it up. Sounds quite bullying to me.

You knew it wasn’t council/community owned recreational land so I think the onus was on you as a parent to know on whose land your boys were playing football so regularly. It’s incredible then, that once she told you it was her land, you not only chose not to believe her but argued with her and furthermore, ‘made’ her do something she clearly didn’t want to do. Sorry OP, we all hate dog shit but yes, you really were out of order. Hope your apology is accepted by her.

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/03/2023 18:01

And your priority isn't making it right in terms of apologising for your behaviour, but getting access back before your neighbours find out you fucked up.

Undisclosedlocation · 09/03/2023 18:02

Average age of a farmer according to bbc …….59. Of course if the farmer in question had happened to be a burly bloke of similar age, I suspect the OPs response would have been significantly more measured

Bullying that is getting a comeuppance in this case

Fuckstix · 09/03/2023 18:03

Don't go round there, with everything you post it's clear you'll make things worse. I was with you on asking someone to pick up dog shit. Fair. But it sounds like you steam into situations and think the worst. Why, for instance, would you decide that a landowner putting fencing up was 'spiteful' in the first instance when it could've been for simply an operational reason? You've blundered in and caused a problem. Blundering in again with an insincere apology is not going to get you your own way and could even cause this woman more intimidation knowing you know where she lives. Think more carefully in future before you act. Lose the entitlement.

Jumbojade · 09/03/2023 18:03

Completely your fault OP, you were being an out and out bully to this poor woman. If I was the woman and you arrived at my door with wine and flowers, I would tell you to get off my land and shut the door in your face.

NumberTheory · 09/03/2023 18:04

Whether you thought she owned it or not, you deliberately tried to intimidate a 60 year old woman who was doing something you thought she wasn’t entitled to do (leave her dog crap in the field) because you thought it impinged on the ability of your DC and their friends to do something they weren’t entitled to do (play on private property where you didn’t have permission from, or even know, the land owner).

I don’t think you can put this right. An apology and a bottle of wine/some flowers wouldn’t hurt. But I doubt it will change anything. The woman has been woken up to the fact that allowing others to use her land makes them feel entitled and her natural presence is not sufficient deterrent to protect her from intimidation.

Downtown123 · 09/03/2023 18:04

Don’t go around with wine and flowers as your only intention is trying to get her to take the fence down. I do hope the lady sees this thread or the daily fail picks up on it and if you do go around she tells you to fuck right off

momonpurpose · 09/03/2023 18:06

You took it way wayyyyy to far. Fine tell her to pick it up the first time but continuing and blocking her path is just over the top. In the future I'd think twice because you have no idea if someone will get violent with you. I'd be so embarrassed I were you. And now these kids lost a place to play because you wanted to be the poop police.

Lavender14 · 09/03/2023 18:07

I think in this situation she was unreasonable not to pick up her dog poo at the time when she knows others are using the field but then she's not breaking any laws there it's just a bit gross to leave it. I don't think you were out of order for saying what you did, you just were maybe a bit heavy handed with it. I would just leave it tbh.

Guis23 · 09/03/2023 18:09

On paper what you did was right. Ask someone to pick up after their dog.
But the way you went about it wasn't great.
Not a lot you can do I fear. It was her land. She has been ticked off and probably is worried someone might sue her if anybody became ill or injured because of any dog poo.

huuskymam · 09/03/2023 18:10

Leave the woman alone, you're only apologising to get access to her field for your kids again. Very entitled of you. Hope the sheep enjoy their new grazing land.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 09/03/2023 18:12

CoachBeard · 09/03/2023 17:11

Oh I love the double standards of Mumsnet. If the op had posted that a woman had let her dog crap in a field where children were playing and not picked it up, the thread would have been full of people saying it was bloody disgusting and they’d have confronted her and made her pick it up. 🤣😂🤣

Well yes, but surely you can see that it’s slightly different when the woman owns the entire field but is kindly allowing those children and their families to use it. If you start kicking off in that situation you can’t then be surprised when the woman tells you to fuck off out of her field and installs an electric fence to keep you out.

Emmamoo89 · 09/03/2023 18:14

YABU

Snazzysausage · 09/03/2023 18:14

I think in the circumstances all you can do is apologise profusely,admit you cocked up and explain you thought she wasn't being truthful about owning the field.
I would also explain your annoyance was fuelled by dog poo being trodden in by your children and their friends.Not sure what else you CAN do.

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 18:17

So I take it the majority of people on here would be quite happy for their children to play on a field where the owner lets their dog shit on it and doesn't clear it up. Mumsnet is very strange at times.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 09/03/2023 18:17

I didn’t think she owned it because she didn’t look like a farmer or land owner

Come on guys. Unless the woman keeps with latest field fashion, how was OP supposed to know😂

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