Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

I hate shit like this and would also have bowed out. It changes the entire dynamic when a randomer is invited for a long overdue catch-up.

I wouldn’t however jump to conclusions when it comes to the two friends you arranged to meet. Some people are simply oblivious to social nuances and think ‘the more the merrier’.

Given you’re a bit tired and hormonal I’d arrange to meet friends you hold dear on an individual basis, closer to your home, at a day and time that works for you.

Congrats on your new baby 🌻

OP, invite the friends you want to see to your home. Then you're in control.

You sound a bit passive waiting for your friends to arrange a catch up and not speaking up for yourself.

I don't think they've done anything wrong, it just didn't suit you.

It was originally one on one, then the friend invited a mutual friend, then she invited an acquaintance.
Why does the OP have to accept the continuous moving of the goalposts? Why should she be expected to hand her baby to someone she isn't good friends with?

She has said several time she doesn't want to be friends with her.
Why are you acting like a pushy primary school mum trying to control the OPs friendships?

I mean jeez…. If one of my friends asked me to meet her friend with new baby, I think I would realise that it would be close friends only kinda situation and feel a bit freaked as to why I was being invited 🤷🏼‍♀️ you ANotBU … just rearrange with your besties… keep it real and do t stress hon 🥰 we’re with you on this

"additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that."

@bluesofacushion you are not BU at all. To invite an acquaintance to your close friends catch-up is unreasonable and insensitive of your friend. You are absolutely right, he is not a doll, and not to be passed around for cuddles to just anyone. He is your baby and you get to decide who snuggles him and not your friend. I also think it's a little unfair to ask you to drive further with a newborn, they should be coming to you, newborns have unpredictable feeding/nappy events, and you are tired and hormonal. I hope you manage to reorganise with your friends and have a proper catch up, without someone else crashing the day.

Reading all the comments I wonder if this could be a case of extroverts vs introverts? I think I could be accused of social multitasking sometimes, but I would think of it more as getting friends I love together to create small fun social gatherings. Obviously I don't always want to do that, it's nice to meet up one on one too but I can see that if someone wants to see just me and I'm not aware of that need it could be upsetting for them. Honesty without anger is probably the best course of action. I would be devastated to upset a friend like that.

I completely understand how you feel @bluesofacushion and think your message was perfectly reasonable and not at all "passive aggressive". Please don't pay any heed to the rather blatant tr*ll posters that seem to try to take over every Talk thread these days - it's always the same misogynistic, belittling and blaming of the OP regardless of the topic.

FWIW, I have many times introduced people from different friendship groups of mine where the social situation made this appropriate (and everyone had always agreed early in the planning stages).

On the other hand, a (now ex) friend of mine that used to ask me to tag along in her 1-on-1 meet-ups with mutual friends (so not even an acquaintance as per your case) always did so because she decided that, for that particular week/month, she just couldn't meet with {whichever friend she'd temporarily taken a disliking to without ever explaining why} on her own and needed a buffer. I would only go along (in the days before I finally gave up on her narcissism) because the other party was also a friend of mine. I definitely would not have agreed if I was merely an acquaintance of the other party, let alone if it was the first meeting with the new baby (congratulations by the way ).

To me it's more about consent and what was originally agreed.

It's fine to plan to meet up in a group, its not fine to keep adding friends to a one to one meeting. And its especially not ok to do that to a new mum.

I would send a message separately to the group and be honest about feeling overwhelmed with driving all that way and was looking forward to a proper catch up, just the 3 of you.

You will need to start your own thread

I’m with you OP, you don’t bring another friend when you’re meeting somebody with a new baby. I imagine your friend hasn’t had any children herself. I felt very low and vulnerable when I had DD and would’ve hated that (although I’m usually more sociable) but meeting up with an acquaintance would not have improved my mental health like some people have suggested on this thread. I also find “don’t you want to show off your new baby” a strange comment. I wanted him to meet our friends and family but who cares about anyone else?!

People saying it's hormones or your problem for not wanting to socialise are completely tone deaf. You have expressed your view perfectly. I can identify with a friend I have known for years inviting other people to meet ups. I created distance to protect myself from what I see as unintentional passive aggressive behaviour. I see now that I am quite introverted and she gets her joy from being very sociable. So maybe think your friend doesn't undervalue spending time with you, but in her brain it's more pleasurable with more people and she doesn't comprehend that it isn't like that for other people. You are lovely sensitive soul. You might need to seek others more like yourself for your inner circle 💐

I don't think this is about introverts versus extroverts. I'm as extrovert as they come - in the true definition of the word, in that I get energy from being around people and usually the more the merrier. But that doesn't mean I don't value one to one time with very good friends, or small groups who all know each other equally. I have introduced friends that have never met before on social occasions because I think they will get on, but only when everyone knows in advance that is the plan. I would not have a third party gate crash a small gathering.

When you add the new baby factor on top, I don't think OP was unreasonable at all. The friends were, and not just for the extra person, but also for asking OP to travel. I went to my friends when they had babies, and they came to me when I did. Everything is so hard at that stage and you need all the support you can get.

OP I have read all your posts, and apologies if I've missed it, but does the friend you first arranged to meet have kids? It doesn't sound like it to me, and that would to some extent explain her behaviour. She just doesn't get it.

Asked a few times but how far was the drive and how only is your baby? The solution is to rearrange and. specify its at your house. Then when you see them face to face you can explain why you made the decision that you did.
As a side note Ive never heard of social 'multi tasking' To me thats meeting more than one person at a time?

Thank you. The 3 all have children and are well out of the baby stage. They are connected to each other via the Children's school, which is in a different town from me.

I'm being intentionally vague. He is of fussy breastfeeding, randomly whinging age.

The drive I don't want to make a big deal about, it's about 20 mins and I would have made it work for my friends, I could have tried to get a lift or tried to drive myself and I could have asked them to come to me but I was thrown my the change - the initial conversation was along the lines of "we hardly see each other anymore, you're on mat leave, let's do something special or come to you if that's better blah de blah". I've struggled this week and planned to say come over. But then there is suddenly another person that I feel obliged to invite into my home, which is not currently up to receiving random extras.

I think the initial plan i had wrongly interpreted as "our meet up" whereas F1 and possibly F2 considered it their meet up that I was invited to and that they would invite whoever they wanted to.

Sometimes you just want to be with people can be be 'yourself' with - nothing wrong with that, some people you click with, others not so much, no matter how nice they are.
Could you arrange to meet up with your friend (and maybe the second friend you're close to) at your house? I think if you're meeting in a public place like a pub, cafe or restaurant it's much easier to just invite other people along, whereas if you invite someone to your house I think it would be less likely for other people to tag on as it's someone's home, a more intimate place. Also, this would mean you wouldn't have to drive - you sounded a bit anxious about that in your post.

Sorry , I didn't see your post just above mine - i still think them coming to you is a better idea - if you contact them and say something along the lines ' I really want you and friend 2 to come over, the 3 of us can have a good catch up, that's all I feel up to at the moment' x

Sounds lovely but we have to find another time/date now

Congratulations on your baby boy!

Being a new mum is exhausting and your hormones will be raging - plus you will be feeling emotional. I remember it well after all three of mine.

It was wrong of your friend to invite someone else without checking with you and changing the venue and I think you were right to decline if you were feeling put out. I totally get that you were worried about parking etc. I get it. The smallest things when juggling a new born can be totally overwhelming. Hopefully in a few weeks things will seem clearer and brighter and you'll manage to catch up with your friends under your own steam.

In the meantime enjoy your son and don't push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Op
Of course you are justified in feeling disappointed that there is another person coming along who you're not close to but it does sound a bit that it wasn't a personal thing to you in that f1 and 2 were having a "the more the merrier meet-up" of which you were included but the focus wasn't necessarily you and your baby which maybe you thought it was.

I think I'd have left baby at home ( if possible) and gone along and just enjoyed a lunch out of house as change of scene ( even if was just surface level) because I think it would have done you good. They baby stage is hard .

This all sounds a bit dramatic and "all about me". I COMPLETELY understand the new mum mentality of "I'm the first women in the history of women to have a baby and therefore the world needs to always meet my needs first." I was exactly the same.

But honestly, if you want a meet-up with your friends (it sounds like it would be really beneficial to you to see them) then go. And if there is another friendly, interested woman there, who you already know, then so what?

NOT going, just because the plans aren't quite as you wanted them, sounds a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Especially as this is an outing you've been looking forward to for a long time.

Totally understand and yes I would be annoyed, a friend of mine did this to me, -she said it would be company for the drive- she has 4 children fgs how much more company does a person need. In the end it forecast rain so we cancelled and I’ve not agreed to meet again. Bit petty possibly but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dear OP. YANBU I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes inviting somebody that all the original invitees are not 'good' friends with totally changes the dynamic of the group. I would also have cancelled and just made it clear that i was looking forward to catching up with the 2 of them, so would like to re-schedule so the meet can be closer to you and just the 3 of you so that you can just be yourself and feel comfortable because thats what you need at this point.