Page 19 | Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

bluesofacushion · 2023-03-09T09:36:10+00:00

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week. A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that. I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up. I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day. AIBU?

Poppingmad123 · 10/03/2023 18:23

I think it’s really thoughtless of your friends to do this especially as it was arranged some time ago. Also there is nothing wrong with you feeling this way, yes it may be hormones but so what. You should let your friends know how much you were looking forward to just seeing them and didn’t feel in the right frame of mind to socialise with someone else. If they don’t understand, it may be time to reassess your friendship with these two.

Petlover9 · 10/03/2023 18:26

drpet49 · 09/03/2023 09:53

YANBU, I would be pissed off and rearrange for another time.

Yes and ask to have it nearer, you are the one with a baby, you don't need stress. Suggest a meeting place convenient to you.

magma32 · 10/03/2023 18:41

YANBU IMO. This started happening to me. I had a two good friends from school and for years we’d enjoy our close knit friendship and chats, good quality time etc. then I moved away and had a baby. I would visit my hometown once in a blue moon and these friends would be very keen to meet up. I expected it to be just us three but they’d invite their mutual friends who I didn’t know (nice enough people) but after a few meets like this, I felt like I’d be wasting my time just hanging out, I didn’t feel the closeness with them or have the personal chats. The meets would feel really impersonal and now I realise it really was ‘social multi tasking’ on their part. Those friends were local to them, they would see eachother regularly so I couldn’t understand why they felt I would like to see them too seeing as they weren’t my friends.

Needless to say I did distance myself not out of malice but simply because I just wasn’t getting anything out of it. I wouldn’t do that so I figured we’ve obviously changed as people and I just stopped letting them know when I’d be visiting as I didn’t need the larger meet ups. Sometimes you just outgrow people. Not saying you have as your friends have understood your perspective but I don’t think mine would have, I just think they saw me as a tag along rather than catching up properly. But thank you for introducing me to ‘social multitasking’ it really does sum it up perfectly.

Demjay · 10/03/2023 18:43

SkyandSurf · 09/03/2023 22:39

This honestly wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different.

If I was your friend I wouldn't in a million years think that inviting a nice acquaintance along to a coffee catch up would result in someone crying and pulling out. I think that's an overreaction.

OP, have you heard of the concept of making 'generous assumptions'? When things like this happen, you could choose to make a generous assumption like 'maybe friendly-acquaintance has been lonely and Friend 1 & 2 wanted her to join us and have a nice time' or 'my friends must think I'm great company' or even 'my friends must be more-the-merrier type people and they've mistaken me for the same'.

Instead you've made the least generous assumption which is that they don't value you, they want to 'multitask' you, they'd rather catch up with each other. That's probably less likely and it's also served to make you miserable and to miss the catch up entirely. I think emotionally, you've shot yourself in the foot a little.

As others have said, if they are good friends- just say you're still finding your feet with Bubs and the commute + less close friend makes it a bit overwhelming just now. Would they mind having a catch up near you, just the three of you.

You seem to take a lot of things personally which must be hard for you.

I agree with this . I think you are misguided to have taken this so personally. Some people are more social than others. Fair enough if you rather see people one on one but I think you have handled the situation badly, and it’s not surprising you have got a curt response. It would have been better to have gone along with it this time, and then next time be clear from the outset when arranging plans that you’d like some one on one time with your friend to properly catch up. If you really weren’t up to it this time, it would have made more sense to come up with an unrelated excuse , rather than send a passive aggressive text which is a little accusatory. I don’t think your friend did anything wrong or meant any harm- some people are just more outgoing than others

magma32 · 10/03/2023 18:44

Oh and mine wouldn’t tell me they’d be inviting their friends along, it just was normal to them so they assumed I’d find it acceptable. At least your friends give you the option to opt out and rearrange which I would have appreciated.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 10/03/2023 18:56

AliceOlive · 10/03/2023 10:42

This seems a little desperate. Are you familiar with the geek social fallacies?

“Geek Social Fallacy #4: Friendship Is Transitive

Every carrier of GSF4 has, at some point, said: “Wouldn’t it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place for one big happy party?!”

GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends with each other, and if they’re not, something is Very Wrong.”

plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/

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Thanks, that was an interesting read.

Fireflower201 · 10/03/2023 19:01

Hi all

need Some advice, I’ve been close friends with person A for 20 years, same age daughters so they get along, we were both single, A introduced me to her friend B & we’ve all formed a close friendship group, B met a woman @ a pottery class in our village , & tagged her into this friendship group … pleasant but very loud, unnecessary and absolutely loved making a fool of herself on tap she is considered in our town the local villiage loud mouth.

1 year ago I got into a relationship, since then A has almost ousted me out of the friendship , they have a booked a holiday together no discussion with me, nights out I’m not invited, when I challenged A on this she blew up & couldn’t believe i even said it, gas lighted me into thinking this was all in my head.

do I walk away from the whole friendship or try and make amends when I’m not in the wrong, there’s not much on in our local village & our girls get on splendidly so I would hate to walk away but feel like it’s heading that way .

any advice

Biilie82 · 10/03/2023 19:06

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:01

And now I think about it the original date was arranged with friend 1, she added friend 2 a couple of weeks ago (but she is actually my friend so that all good) but then added random friend of a friend this week.

So I don't think friend 1 was ever that bothered in hindsight :(

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are making it look like you have to be a priority to your friend or you don’t want to know. I know people like this, I’ve even felt this way myself in the past. I’ve come to realise it’s not all about me, people extend invitations, nothing malicious or personal, just people being included. It’s a nice trait that your friend includes others

Chumbawomble · 10/03/2023 19:06

I'd be very annoyed and upset. You shouldn't have to drive at all with a new baby, let alone further to accommodate someone who isn't part of that intimate circle.

Biilie82 · 10/03/2023 19:07

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:23

Goodness what an over reaction.

op, I think also you need to see it from their perspective,they were trying to all meet up with you, I’d assume it’s hugely possible they have also bought you baby gifts, inc the third woman.

It’s likely the first woman said she was meeting you and the second said oh I’d love to come. And then the third has done the same, I’d they’ve commented they are meeting you and as you said she’s a very nice person she’s likely said oh I’d love to come along too and see her and the baby, what gift can I get them, and they literally have not understand the angst that having someone you know. A good friend of theirs. Who you think is very nice, and who may even have got your baby a gift, come for coffee too.

they know now clearly . I can’t remotely grasp the above posters comment. It’s quite staggering given this was people reaching out and making an effort to meet you. If they wished to be just the three of them they’d have done so, this catch up was so they could see you and congrats you on your baby, likely give you some gifts and coo a little

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Agree

T1Dmama · 10/03/2023 19:07

You’ve said she’s nice… what harm will an extra person do? You might even gain a friend!
I think you might come over needy and possessive if you tell your friends u wanted to just see them (alone)… cancelling would make you a bit flaky considering they’re friends you rarely see….
Just go, and try to enjoy the company of your friends and their ‘very nice friend’.

Biilie82 · 10/03/2023 19:08

You put it better than I did! Absolutely this

Biilie82 · 10/03/2023 19:09

T1Dmama · 10/03/2023 19:07

You’ve said she’s nice… what harm will an extra person do? You might even gain a friend!
I think you might come over needy and possessive if you tell your friends u wanted to just see them (alone)… cancelling would make you a bit flaky considering they’re friends you rarely see….
Just go, and try to enjoy the company of your friends and their ‘very nice friend’.

I meant to quote this!

Stars2theside · 10/03/2023 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Stars2theside · 10/03/2023 19:12

Fireflower201 · 10/03/2023 19:01

Hi all

need Some advice, I’ve been close friends with person A for 20 years, same age daughters so they get along, we were both single, A introduced me to her friend B & we’ve all formed a close friendship group, B met a woman @ a pottery class in our village , & tagged her into this friendship group … pleasant but very loud, unnecessary and absolutely loved making a fool of herself on tap she is considered in our town the local villiage loud mouth.

1 year ago I got into a relationship, since then A has almost ousted me out of the friendship , they have a booked a holiday together no discussion with me, nights out I’m not invited, when I challenged A on this she blew up & couldn’t believe i even said it, gas lighted me into thinking this was all in my head.

do I walk away from the whole friendship or try and make amends when I’m not in the wrong, there’s not much on in our local village & our girls get on splendidly so I would hate to walk away but feel like it’s heading that way .

any advice

Yes. Start your own thread.

MadonnasFacelift · 10/03/2023 19:18

I understand why you feel like you do OP.

You're knackered, hormonal, post-natal and feeling vulnerable. You thought you were going to a safe space, and then they added a new person and now it wasn't a safe space.

Sounds like you're happy with your decision, which means it's the right one. Hopefully they'll realise they've been insensitive.

Mandyjack · 10/03/2023 19:19

Seems unfair that you've just had a baby and you're the one whose got to travel as the venues changed. Maybe be honest with 1 or both of them if they are really good friends and say how you feel about the journey. Say you'd prefer something local so could you make another date with them instead.

Fireflower201 · 10/03/2023 19:24

Hi all

need Some advice, I’ve been close friends with person A for 20 years, same age daughters so they get along, we were both single, A introduced me to her friend B & we’ve all formed a close friendship group, B met a woman @ a pottery class in our village and tagged her into this friendship group … pleasant but very loud, unnecessary and absolutely loved making a fool of herself on tap she is considered in our town the local villiage loud mouth.

1 year ago I got into a relationship, since then A has almost ousted me out of the friendship , they have a booked a holiday together no discussion with me, nights out I’m not invited, when I challenged A on this she blew up & couldn’t believe i even said it, gas lighted me into thinking this was all in my head.

do I walk away from the whole friendship or try and make amends when I’m not in the wrong, there’s not much on in our local village & our girls get on splendidly so I would hate to walk away but feel like it’s heading that way .

any advice

callthataspade · 10/03/2023 19:36

@Fireflower201 fucks sake. Start your own thread

Cindefuckingrella · 10/03/2023 19:57

You can definitely tell the extroverts in this thread! I’m not a new mum or hormonal but would feel exactly the same OP. Don’t let people trivialise and minimise your feelings about this. You’ve done the right thing and I have done similar before x

walkingismedicine · 10/03/2023 20:00

It's a time to put you and your new baby first so don't blame you for cancelling

mapofeasterireland · 10/03/2023 20:02

This is extreme. All that will happen is these three will hang out and not include you for overreacting next time. You needed to suck it up

Original poster

bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 20:05

magma32 · 10/03/2023 18:41

YANBU IMO. This started happening to me. I had a two good friends from school and for years we’d enjoy our close knit friendship and chats, good quality time etc. then I moved away and had a baby. I would visit my hometown once in a blue moon and these friends would be very keen to meet up. I expected it to be just us three but they’d invite their mutual friends who I didn’t know (nice enough people) but after a few meets like this, I felt like I’d be wasting my time just hanging out, I didn’t feel the closeness with them or have the personal chats. The meets would feel really impersonal and now I realise it really was ‘social multi tasking’ on their part. Those friends were local to them, they would see eachother regularly so I couldn’t understand why they felt I would like to see them too seeing as they weren’t my friends.

Needless to say I did distance myself not out of malice but simply because I just wasn’t getting anything out of it. I wouldn’t do that so I figured we’ve obviously changed as people and I just stopped letting them know when I’d be visiting as I didn’t need the larger meet ups. Sometimes you just outgrow people. Not saying you have as your friends have understood your perspective but I don’t think mine would have, I just think they saw me as a tag along rather than catching up properly. But thank you for introducing me to ‘social multitasking’ it really does sum it up perfectly.

Sorry this happened to you. It's naff isn't it. Social multitasking is the pits.

OP posts:

Macaronichee · 10/03/2023 20:07

It’s completely understandable and natural to be over emotional after a baby. It is not very rational or reasonable, though. They probably assumed that you quite liked their friend given that you’ve met them and they thought that you wouldn’t have minded someone else there. I’m not sure what you couldn’t do with them that you wanted to because you weren’t alone.
I’ve had three babies and was over emotional after each. Was very keen for other people to have ‘cuddle time’ with them, though. I would have assumed their friend liked babies. I was always very glad when someone else held mine. The excruciating phrase ‘cuddle time’ was probably your friend’s invention rather than the other party’s.

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 20:13

Gillyyy · 09/03/2023 10:42

I’m unsure what the problem is. They’ve asked let’s call her Jane, to join you who you’ve met before and said is really nice. She really likes babies and has maybe seen the other two and was asking how you’re getting on and they thought that’ll be nice she can come too.

You’ve said you’re not really friends but maybe you could be open to the idea? And you can always organise something to see the others another time as well. Maybe invite them for a coffee at your house?

I think if you could try to go you might enjoy it and you might find a new friend too.

Op has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want to see this person and wants to see her 2 friends alone and you're ignoring her wishes and trying to manipulate her into ignoring her own feelings too. That's not nice at all