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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:23

ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 06:20

Of course you were not being unreasonable. They were being so incredibly selfish and full of their own importance. What they did was indefensible and thoughtless. You deserve better than them OP.

Goodness what an over reaction.

op, I think also you need to see it from their perspective,they were trying to all meet up with you, I’d assume it’s hugely possible they have also bought you baby gifts, inc the third woman.

It’s likely the first woman said she was meeting you and the second said oh I’d love to come. And then the third has done the same, I’d they’ve commented they are meeting you and as you said she’s a very nice person she’s likely said oh I’d love to come along too and see her and the baby, what gift can I get them, and they literally have not understand the angst that having someone you know. A good friend of theirs. Who you think is very nice, and who may even have got your baby a gift, come for coffee too.

they know now clearly . I can’t remotely grasp the above posters comment. It’s quite staggering given this was people reaching out and making an effort to meet you. If they wished to be just the three of them they’d have done so, this catch up was so they could see you and congrats you on your baby, likely give you some gifts and coo a little

JuliasBiscuit · 10/03/2023 09:37

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 09:39

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:23

Goodness what an over reaction.

op, I think also you need to see it from their perspective,they were trying to all meet up with you, I’d assume it’s hugely possible they have also bought you baby gifts, inc the third woman.

It’s likely the first woman said she was meeting you and the second said oh I’d love to come. And then the third has done the same, I’d they’ve commented they are meeting you and as you said she’s a very nice person she’s likely said oh I’d love to come along too and see her and the baby, what gift can I get them, and they literally have not understand the angst that having someone you know. A good friend of theirs. Who you think is very nice, and who may even have got your baby a gift, come for coffee too.

they know now clearly . I can’t remotely grasp the above posters comment. It’s quite staggering given this was people reaching out and making an effort to meet you. If they wished to be just the three of them they’d have done so, this catch up was so they could see you and congrats you on your baby, likely give you some gifts and coo a little

Show quote history

The OP wanted to spend time with her friends, not someone else. The OP had arranged and agreed to spend time with her friends, not a friend of a friend. She has just given birth. And wanted to spend a rare meetup with her friends. It's really rather rude to invite someone else, without even asking the original friend if they mind. If you don't see how rude that is, then, I'm lost for words.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 10/03/2023 10:09

the responses show two types of people in the world. One type, coffee catch up with friends does not need world class levels of diplomacy and consultation the other where it really really does.

I don't think it's that clear cut. I had arranged to go for a coffee with a local friend. She said a friend of hers had won a free meal and she'd been invited, did I want to come (she fully understood if I didn't want to and we'd carry on with our original plan). I said great and went along and had a lovely time (and free meal!)

I have two other friends and we are all scattered across the country. We arrange get togethers but because of distances and peoples lives, we need to plan it properly. If one of us decided to bring a friend/one of our children/partner, I think the rest of us would be pissed off because it would ruin our rare precious weekend together.

burnoutbabe · 10/03/2023 10:20

The meet up was her friends coming to see her in her local neighbourhood.

Now she is being asked to go to their neck if the woods as it's better for them!

Which doesn't seem like seeing op and her baby is the main priority now.

Magenta82 · 10/03/2023 10:35

It was originally one fried coming to OP.
Then another friend was invited.
Now an acquaintance is invited and the OP is travelling to them with her baby.

It is totally fair enough to be unhappy with the changes and to feel a bit sidelined by it all.

Barbecuebeans · 10/03/2023 10:36

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:23

Goodness what an over reaction.

op, I think also you need to see it from their perspective,they were trying to all meet up with you, I’d assume it’s hugely possible they have also bought you baby gifts, inc the third woman.

It’s likely the first woman said she was meeting you and the second said oh I’d love to come. And then the third has done the same, I’d they’ve commented they are meeting you and as you said she’s a very nice person she’s likely said oh I’d love to come along too and see her and the baby, what gift can I get them, and they literally have not understand the angst that having someone you know. A good friend of theirs. Who you think is very nice, and who may even have got your baby a gift, come for coffee too.

they know now clearly . I can’t remotely grasp the above posters comment. It’s quite staggering given this was people reaching out and making an effort to meet you. If they wished to be just the three of them they’d have done so, this catch up was so they could see you and congrats you on your baby, likely give you some gifts and coo a little

Show quote history

Why should the woman with a new baby see things from everyone else's perspective. When you've just given birth, people should give you a bit of slack, especially people who've got their own children and should understand.

Changing the venue unilaterally to one more convenient to them is already selfish. Then inviting someone else without checking makes it doubly so.

All those banging on about the other woman being nice doesn't mean you want to hang out with them. If I had a newborn I'd probably not be seeing friends much so I'd think I'd hope my friends would think about me a bit more. The OP has said these friends already see each other at other times. Why make this meet up all about them without checking with the OP.

It's not international diplomacy to just check with someone. It's manners.

AliceOlive · 10/03/2023 10:42

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:23

Goodness what an over reaction.

op, I think also you need to see it from their perspective,they were trying to all meet up with you, I’d assume it’s hugely possible they have also bought you baby gifts, inc the third woman.

It’s likely the first woman said she was meeting you and the second said oh I’d love to come. And then the third has done the same, I’d they’ve commented they are meeting you and as you said she’s a very nice person she’s likely said oh I’d love to come along too and see her and the baby, what gift can I get them, and they literally have not understand the angst that having someone you know. A good friend of theirs. Who you think is very nice, and who may even have got your baby a gift, come for coffee too.

they know now clearly . I can’t remotely grasp the above posters comment. It’s quite staggering given this was people reaching out and making an effort to meet you. If they wished to be just the three of them they’d have done so, this catch up was so they could see you and congrats you on your baby, likely give you some gifts and coo a little

Show quote history

This seems a little desperate. Are you familiar with the geek social fallacies?

“Geek Social Fallacy #4: Friendship Is Transitive

Every carrier of GSF4 has, at some point, said: “Wouldn’t it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place for one big happy party?!”

GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends with each other, and if they’re not, something is Very Wrong.”

plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 10:44

Magenta82 · 10/03/2023 10:35

It was originally one fried coming to OP.
Then another friend was invited.
Now an acquaintance is invited and the OP is travelling to them with her baby.

It is totally fair enough to be unhappy with the changes and to feel a bit sidelined by it all.

Per the OP it was three friends meeting including the OP, decided six weeks ago and no mention of venue. OP only changed the tale from starting at one friend much later when people mentioned that going from three to four was maybe not such a big deal. So I tend to take such drip feeds in a story with a pinch of salt.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/03/2023 12:07

@MultipleVeganPies I totally agree- my loveliest friend is very like this- always asks along waifs and strays- lol!! I just see her separately a fair bit as well for quick coffees . Trying to control people in the 'I only want one on one meet ups' is the quickest way to end up with no friends at all - I've learnt very late in life that good friendships take compromise , empathy and flexibility if you want to keep them .

Magenta82 · 10/03/2023 12:18

AliceOlive · 10/03/2023 10:42

This seems a little desperate. Are you familiar with the geek social fallacies?

“Geek Social Fallacy #4: Friendship Is Transitive

Every carrier of GSF4 has, at some point, said: “Wouldn’t it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place for one big happy party?!”

GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends with each other, and if they’re not, something is Very Wrong.”

plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/

Show quote history

Exactly! The more the merrier, transitive friends camp are actually showing very low levels of EQ.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:26

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/03/2023 21:44

This is, quite frankly, bullshit. Why are you being so caustic toward the OP?

Show quote history

Seconded.

Says something about their own lives that they will attack - and gang up on - a stranger on a forum. It’s horrible. And yes, utter bs.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:28

Barbecuebeans · 10/03/2023 10:36

Why should the woman with a new baby see things from everyone else's perspective. When you've just given birth, people should give you a bit of slack, especially people who've got their own children and should understand.

Changing the venue unilaterally to one more convenient to them is already selfish. Then inviting someone else without checking makes it doubly so.

All those banging on about the other woman being nice doesn't mean you want to hang out with them. If I had a newborn I'd probably not be seeing friends much so I'd think I'd hope my friends would think about me a bit more. The OP has said these friends already see each other at other times. Why make this meet up all about them without checking with the OP.

It's not international diplomacy to just check with someone. It's manners.

Show quote history

Exactly. Well said.

drpet49 · 10/03/2023 12:28

ItsShiela · 10/03/2023 09:39

The OP wanted to spend time with her friends, not someone else. The OP had arranged and agreed to spend time with her friends, not a friend of a friend. She has just given birth. And wanted to spend a rare meetup with her friends. It's really rather rude to invite someone else, without even asking the original friend if they mind. If you don't see how rude that is, then, I'm lost for words.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:29

Magenta82 · 10/03/2023 10:35

It was originally one fried coming to OP.
Then another friend was invited.
Now an acquaintance is invited and the OP is travelling to them with her baby.

It is totally fair enough to be unhappy with the changes and to feel a bit sidelined by it all.

Yes. Thank goodness for the voices of reason.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:29

drpet49 · 10/03/2023 12:28

Completely agree with this.

Show quote history

I do too.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:32

burnoutbabe · 10/03/2023 10:20

The meet up was her friends coming to see her in her local neighbourhood.

Now she is being asked to go to their neck if the woods as it's better for them!

Which doesn't seem like seeing op and her baby is the main priority now.

Precisely. Why on earth would friends - of all people - treat the OP so casually? She is the one with the new baby and she is having to adjust to that. The last thing she needs is thoughtlessness.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:35

Some posters are even compounding their nastiness why snidely implying the OP is depressed or lacking in confidence. You people have no right to do this. How dare you.

Arrocahar23 · 10/03/2023 12:35

by snidely implying

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/03/2023 14:11

OP, i think you did right to cancel & hope you are feeling better. Did you ever hear more from them?

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 15:10

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/03/2023 14:11

OP, i think you did right to cancel & hope you are feeling better. Did you ever hear more from them?

I'm okay thank you. they've agreed they'd forgotten what it's like to have a new baby. Im still cross about it, they have evenings to catch up with F3, which is what they've done recently. It's shitty being 2nd fiddle/3rd wheel.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 10/03/2023 15:13

At least they understood how you felt. Hopefully you can move forward with the friendship.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 15:20

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/03/2023 15:13

At least they understood how you felt. Hopefully you can move forward with the friendship.

Yes hopefully

OP posts:
Stars2theside · 10/03/2023 18:17

OP, I’ve rtft so I know you’ve cancelled now, but I just wanted to say, even when I was childless and friends were having babies I knew that any meet up involved me GOING TO the friend with the new baby. Up until that child was at least 3! You don’t expect new mothers to travel with the child, that’s not on. They should be coming over to visit you in your home, bringing lunch for you all and something that is easy to put together so that all you need to do is direct them to the plates and cutlery! You’re also not allowed to wash up afterwards. When I had my daughter, she was in hospice for weeks afterwards. I had friends cooking and dropping off food for us, even friends coming round to clean! I never asked them to, they just did it! That’s what decent friends do. I’m so sorry you don’t have those kinds of friends, you deserve better xx

Stars2theside · 10/03/2023 18:22

Stars2theside · 10/03/2023 18:17

OP, I’ve rtft so I know you’ve cancelled now, but I just wanted to say, even when I was childless and friends were having babies I knew that any meet up involved me GOING TO the friend with the new baby. Up until that child was at least 3! You don’t expect new mothers to travel with the child, that’s not on. They should be coming over to visit you in your home, bringing lunch for you all and something that is easy to put together so that all you need to do is direct them to the plates and cutlery! You’re also not allowed to wash up afterwards. When I had my daughter, she was in hospice for weeks afterwards. I had friends cooking and dropping off food for us, even friends coming round to clean! I never asked them to, they just did it! That’s what decent friends do. I’m so sorry you don’t have those kinds of friends, you deserve better xx

Hospital!!! Not Hospice!! Jesus…..