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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/03/2023 10:17

I've just cancelled in hopefully a polite way and had a little cry. I just feel hurt and multitasked tbh.

Seriously, that is the hormones.

Vallmo47 · 09/03/2023 10:17

I would probably phone my friend and ask how she is and explain you’re struggling a bit with the emotional roller coaster having a newborn is. And that you’re really sorry but you’re not up to meet as a small group at the moment. While you know everyone would understand if you cancelled, you are better on a one on one basis at this time. If a good friend doesn’t respect how you’re feeling and reach out to you after that, she’s not a very good friend.

I do think you will look back on this one day and think “aww, I was a bit unreasonable, everyone loves a baby cuddle and they didn’t mean any ill intent whatsoever!” One day you might even find that it’s you wanting to relive those baby moments for an hour. :) Most people do love a newborn, they certainly don’t mean to offend you.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/03/2023 10:19

@bluesofacushion you have done nothing wrong here, in fact your friend has so I think you should feel absolutely fine about being honest.

This third "friend" is going to cope just fine without seeing the baby of a friend of a friend so please don't worry about her!

HOwever, you, need some support and some company with friends. Please text back to say something like "actually I would like to keep our arrangement to how we planned it in the beginning. First of all it would make life much easier for me being at home as it is quite a feat getting baby out of the house and a car journey away (smiley face). Also, I would really like to keep it to us three at the moment as I could really do with a proper relaxed catch up. Betty could perhaps meet baby at a later date but can we stick to the original plan for now? xxxxxxxxxxx"

You agreed to a completely different plan and are within your rights to say no😀.

I do think you can be assertive without being crazy or rude!

yetii · 09/03/2023 10:28

At some point if you keep saying no and cancelling they'll stop inviting

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:31

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/03/2023 10:17

I've just cancelled in hopefully a polite way and had a little cry. I just feel hurt and multitasked tbh.

Seriously, that is the hormones.

It's knowing that's my friend is more interested in seeing other people and not really me.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 09/03/2023 10:34

OMG why did you cancel??? Your friends were being thoughtless for sure but you could have said, no let's stick to the original plan. They have obviously forgotten what it's like with a new baby.

VioletCharlotte · 09/03/2023 10:35

Oh op, this definitely sounds like hormones. I'm sure your friend isn't more interested in seeing other people at all. I expect what happened is that she said to friend 3 that's she meeting up with you and looking forward to seeing your new baby, and friend 3 said "oh, I would love to see bluesofacushion and have baby cuddles".

Forensix · 09/03/2023 10:39

It's knowing that's my friend is more interested in seeing other people and not really me.

you'll look back one day and realise. Hopefully your friends have still hung around by that time.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:41

Chamomileteaplease · 09/03/2023 10:34

OMG why did you cancel??? Your friends were being thoughtless for sure but you could have said, no let's stick to the original plan. They have obviously forgotten what it's like with a new baby.

I feel really sad about it but I couldn't say let's stick to the original plan, they'd already added her to the group discussion and she's already posted "haha sorry about gatecrashing"

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 09/03/2023 10:41

I don’t think you are wrong in your feelings. And tbh it doesn’t matter how you’ve put it, true friends should be more understanding. You are at the stage when people talk about their personal problems and experiences and some people don’t want all pleasant people in the world to join this conversation. It’s normal.

Gillyyy · 09/03/2023 10:42

I’m unsure what the problem is. They’ve asked let’s call her Jane, to join you who you’ve met before and said is really nice. She really likes babies and has maybe seen the other two and was asking how you’re getting on and they thought that’ll be nice she can come too.

You’ve said you’re not really friends but maybe you could be open to the idea? And you can always organise something to see the others another time as well. Maybe invite them for a coffee at your house?

I think if you could try to go you might enjoy it and you might find a new friend too.

Rogue1001MNer · 09/03/2023 10:43

Gosh!
Well you and she are never going to be friends now

I'm sorry you feel so sad

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:45

I've asked to do something another time just us and the reply was "okay" so I think that says it all

OP posts:
Forensix · 09/03/2023 10:46

Yes, "okay" tells me everything.

Marzipangirl3 · 09/03/2023 10:46

How old is new baby OP? How old are the other children?

mewkins · 09/03/2023 10:47

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:58

Thanks @Fairyliz she's really nice, but if we we're going to become friends we would have done already I think.

But I would say you are friends. I don't know what you class as a friend but knowing and liking her and the fact she wants to meet up with you and your baby suggests she wants to be friends. What happens to turn someone from an aquaintence that you like into a friend?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 10:48

Aw op you don't need friends like that. Hope you're okay. 💛

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:48

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 09:59

No what? I know the third woman isn’t your friend and haven’t said she is. But you said she was pleasant enough, so I don’t know why you are making such an issue of it tbh. But if you don’t want to go then don’t of course, but won’t you be seeing or friends even less then.

Show quote history

Is this not a bit obtuse? Presumably the OP wants to feel open and be able to talk freely, maybe about personal matters, with her friends and will feel inhibited and as if she isn't having a proper catch-up if this third person is there who she doesn't know so well. The other 3 probably just feel like they want to see the new baby as they're maybe nostalgic for babies if their dcs are a bit older and forget that the OP is probably a bit isolated and longing for a bit of adult company!

yetii · 09/03/2023 10:50

@whatchaos if op is isolated and missing adult contact maybe she shouldn't say no to seeing her friends 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:50

@mewkins friends will choose to see each other regardless of who else is there. She would not think to ask me for coffee and I wouldn't her

OP posts:
whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:50

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:45

I've asked to do something another time just us and the reply was "okay" so I think that says it all

I think you're being really sensitive. Can you not give one of them a call - the one you're closest to - and have a proper chat? It might make you feel better.

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:52

yetii · 09/03/2023 10:50

@whatchaos if op is isolated and missing adult contact maybe she shouldn't say no to seeing her friends 🤷‍♀️

Well maybe she wants the circumstances to be right - I can understand her disappointment. Maybe she's feeling a bit low/stressed about motherhood and just wants to see the people she's close to rather than play pass the parcel with her baby!

mewkins · 09/03/2023 10:54

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:50

@mewkins friends will choose to see each other regardless of who else is there. She would not think to ask me for coffee and I wouldn't her

Ok. I disagree as I have lots of friends who I only see as part of a group. I still count them as friends.

Pepsipepsi · 09/03/2023 10:55

Christ women are their own worse enemies sometimes. I see it on mumsnet all the time poster's suggesting outright complicated lies. What's the matter with the truth?

I don't see anything wrong with saying "let's stick to original plan as I'm not in a good headspace I'd rather our first catch up be close friends, we can arrange a new date for us 3 if you don't want it to be awkward with Carol."

Everyone knows acquaintances change the dynamic! I have a couple of friends who always snowball small meetups to big groups so when making plans with them I am direct whether I'm in mood for a small or big meetup. Then everyone knows where they stand.

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:58

Pepsipepsi · 09/03/2023 10:55

Christ women are their own worse enemies sometimes. I see it on mumsnet all the time poster's suggesting outright complicated lies. What's the matter with the truth?

I don't see anything wrong with saying "let's stick to original plan as I'm not in a good headspace I'd rather our first catch up be close friends, we can arrange a new date for us 3 if you don't want it to be awkward with Carol."

Everyone knows acquaintances change the dynamic! I have a couple of friends who always snowball small meetups to big groups so when making plans with them I am direct whether I'm in mood for a small or big meetup. Then everyone knows where they stand.

This! Absolutely this - how can you have proper friendships with at least some one-to-one time? Or two-to-one if you're more or less equally close. Particularly after a big life event like having a baby!