Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

I definitely don't want to point out the obvious but.....

"AIBU to be uspet"

"I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed"

"I've just cancelled and had a cry"

It's all there in the OPs posts.

There’s nothing “daft” about it. There’s a very good chance they will tell her.

@bluesofacushion didn’t come, because she just wanted to see me and Friend2. I know, weird isn’t it? Anyway, how are you? Etc etc

Thank you

OP, you wanted to see your friends and get along with the usual dynamic. I totally understand why you don’t want to go. If your friends don’t understand then they don’t have much empathy so they?

She shouldn't have to "tell" them anything; they should have not changed the original arrangements without having the consideration to consult her. Why is that so difficult to understand!?

I'd feel the same OP. I have friends who have friends, people I've met loads of times (or even gone to school with, so known them years!) but I wouldn't really call them friends. They're perfectly nice people, but we'd never meet unless it was with our mutual friends.

Sometimes I like to go out with all of them, sometimes I just want to meet my friends without the others.

Not because they're awful or anything, but because sometimes I want to chat to my friends without worrying about restricting what personal things I'm saying.

If I'd just had a baby I'd feel that even more. Especially the first time seeing them after the birth.

Then many of us don’t have much empathy. How were they possibly to know this nice woman coming along would mean the op wouldn’t go . And empathy works two ways, how is this woman to feel if she knew.

cliques are horrible and rhe op is trying to create the very definition on one. Her excuse though may well be hormones, depression, or other issues. I don’t get the online responses saying yeah yeah, they invited a nice woman that you like, that’s terrible don’t go. But I don’t do cliques

either way those women now know the op refused to meet them as their nice friend was coming too. The only person this reflects badly on is rhe op

I had a friend who did this - always getting another of her, not my, friend along when she met me. It does make you feel a bit taken for granted I think.

you can either be very easy going about it.

or decide it’s too much hassle and not what you feel like.

either are fine options!

Because most of us don’t do cliques and don’t feel that a nice friend coming along is something that needs consulting on for general meet up for three mates.

Because most people are happy to crack on in life and go with the flow of friendships, meet ups, nice times. So it wouldn't be common knowledge that someone in the group doesn't want to share friends. Although a lot of people on MN say its normal, in real life its not. I dont know anyone in real life who would cry at home because a 4th person was invited, ever.

@Youfeelme I wouldn't cry bc a 4th person was invited

I might have an emotional moment to myself and decide not to go because the dynamics have changed from my best mates seeing my baby and me for the first time since giving birth and I'd been really looking forward to that particular meet up and hoped that might be special and intimate enough not to invite extra people just because we're apparently meant to be nice and all play together like good little women

It's not a clique.

Clearly basic etiquette is totally beyond many of the posters having a go at the OP.

If you organize one event, and then wish to change the terms, the polite and decent thing to do is to consult the people involved in the original event. Not add on others and change the venue without doing so.

Only an inconsiderate clod would operate that way.

This honestly wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different.

If I was your friend I wouldn't in a million years think that inviting a nice acquaintance along to a coffee catch up would result in someone crying and pulling out. I think that's an overreaction.

OP, have you heard of the concept of making 'generous assumptions'? When things like this happen, you could choose to make a generous assumption like 'maybe friendly-acquaintance has been lonely and Friend 1 & 2 wanted her to join us and have a nice time' or 'my friends must think I'm great company' or even 'my friends must be more-the-merrier type people and they've mistaken me for the same'.

Instead you've made the least generous assumption which is that they don't value you, they want to 'multitask' you, they'd rather catch up with each other. That's probably less likely and it's also served to make you miserable and to miss the catch up entirely. I think emotionally, you've shot yourself in the foot a little.

As others have said, if they are good friends- just say you're still finding your feet with Bubs and the commute + less close friend makes it a bit overwhelming just now. Would they mind having a catch up near you, just the three of you.

You seem to take a lot of things personally which must be hard for you.

"Generous assumptions" still doesn't address the point that they a) did this unilaterally without treating the OP like an equal partner in organizing the meetup and b) changed the venue to one less convenient to the sole person with a newborn baby.

That patronising little lecture about generous assumptions seems to gloss right over the list of selfish assumptions made, not least the "cuddles" affectation of the friend of a friend put forward as a justification.

There are a lot of very superficial people on this thread.

Lord. That would not in a million years offend me in her situation.

Someone I think is nice, wants to have coffee with me and is excited about my baby....

Wanting 'baby cuddles' is just a well meaning daft but harmless thing people say to express they love babies. It's nothing to get upset about. If OP doesn't want to pass the baby around, presumably this group of nice women will be fine with that!

I'm sorry you found my comment patronising but honestly some people clearly need a bit of help to function in the world if things like this have them fretting and crying and deciding the friendship isn't what it seems. It must be an exhausting way to live.

'An equal partner in organising the meet up'

Just to be clear- this is a coffee catch up with friends right? Not a peace treaty summit between nations? Im not sure this level of diplomacy is warranted.

Changing the venue, I absolutely agree was a thoughtless move, but im sure if OP had written back saying 'it's a bit hard with the baby, could we meet at X near my house' the other women would have understood.

Are people really this rigid and unforgiving in their friendships?

Yanbu at all and I can only assume that the people saying you are either have no children or no real friends.

the first time I met up with my closest friends we discussed. Shitting during child birth and post baby sex, I wanted their opinions and support-strangely enough if a random woman I barely knew came along then I wouldn’t have been able to discuss these things.
Tbh I think friend 1 is jo friend of yours

That’s you. Other people see “a random” as an opportunity for a new friend. I went to dinner at “Mary’s” once and she’d invited “Eve”, who I’d never met before in my life. By the end of the evening Eve and I had established we took the same antidepressant and were having an in-depth conversation about our mental health issues. Maybe the random also shat herself during childbirth and would’ve joined in the conversation

Yeah you have veered off from patronising to nasty.

You've gone from generous assumptions (one way only obviously) to "honestly some people clearly need a bit of help to function in the world".

Those generous assumptions are about a millimetre deep in your case aren't they, you much prefer to tell people how inadequate you think they are?

I'd probably be annoyed too. I'd give anyway as you might enjoy yourself and it's good to push yourself when you've had a baby (I too was scared of going out initially). Then I'd arrange another date that suits you better. Maybe invite them over when it's your baby's nap time or go somewhere local and get DH took look after baby

I feel so sorry for the op, she said it was very rare these women reach out to meet up, that she hardly sees them, and she was so excited and now she’s rejected their offer all because a woman she knows and is a good friend of theirs , who in her own words she describes as “very nice” is coming too, to a simple informal coffee catch up. And even worse, the two initial ones know why.

I hope they do agree to meet her again, and I do hope they haven’t taken offence at her declining their offer to catch up and rejection of their other friend, but I suspect as it’s so rare anyway, then it may just become a whole lot rarer.

the responses show two types of people in the world. One type, coffee catch up with friends does not need world class levels of diplomacy and consultation the other where it really really does.

Congratulations on your baby son
I think you're being a bit uptight. This woman could end up being a new friend, if you want to reframe it that way. I'm sure the others are great and mean no harm, but with respect, it's not like you see them often. It's nice to increase our circle a bit when we have a baby, as it can get rather lonely.
If you'd prefer to go ahead and cancel then that's understandable too. Sometimes we only want the familiar when our world has changed so much! And I get that you want to stay in your comfort zone. Hope you end up having a lovely meet, whatever happens (and that you don't end up having to wait another 6 weeks if rescheduled! ).

Sorry, have just seen by the update that you cancelled.

Of course you were not being unreasonable. They were being so incredibly selfish and full of their own importance. What they did was indefensible and thoughtless. You deserve better than them OP.