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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Youdoyoubabe · 10/03/2023 20:14

I think you are maybe being over sensitive because you have just had a baby. It won't help in the long run to be territorial like this in the long run. Maybe the other person wants to be your friend........

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 20:20

@bluesofacushion I feel really sad about it but I couldn't say let's stick to the original plan, they'd already added her to the group discussion and she's already posted "haha sorry about gatecrashing"

Personally I would've responded after the gatecrashing comment with "Actually friend 1&2, please can we keep it just us 3 as originally planned? I don't feel up to socialising with non-friends right now. Thanks" but I'm the pettiest petty person ever to exist

Bunnyishotandcross · 10/03/2023 20:24

Surely an extra pair of hands ensured you got your cuppa hot?
The first few months are lonely op. You just shot yourself in the foot..

Demjay · 10/03/2023 20:24

bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 20:05

Sorry this happened to you. It's naff isn't it. Social multitasking is the pits.

Show quote history

What does “social multitasking” even mean?!!
There’s nothing inherently wrong with enjoying hanging out with more than one person at once!?!

LoisLane66 · 10/03/2023 20:29

Congratulations on a very happy event. You'll have many happy years enjoying your child.

I never allowed my babies to be handed around and you seem reluctant, especially with this ' other woman who wants to get in on the act, so to speak.
I hope you can sort out a meeting with just the friends you want to see.

Bunnyishotandcross · 10/03/2023 20:35

Don't you want to show your baby off?

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 20:39

Bunnyishotandcross · 10/03/2023 20:35

Don't you want to show your baby off?

No, he's not a designer handbag

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 10/03/2023 20:41

You miss their company, consider them special friends, but waited until they instigated this meet up, near to them, which you don’t feel comfortable about driving to. Why not suggest your own meeting with them? You are being very passive.

whittingtonmum · 10/03/2023 20:45

It's too late now but if they are good friends you could have explained that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed having a newborn and would have loved to see only the two friends so not to add to any overwhelm. I believe most mums understand that it's a bit of a fragile time for many of us.

It happened to me that a friend invited two random (to me) acquaintances to a meet up with a few friends I had organised. I told her that I wasn't up for hanging out with people I wasn't friends with because I wasn't in a good space. I offered to drop out and explain the situation to the other friends. She then got rid of the acquaintances. In the end I believe it made me look bad in front of the acquaintances but at least I didn't have to spend an evening doing small talk and could talk a bit about some of the difficulties I was having at the time, which was what I needed.

But in the end it's never an easy situation and surely the right way to do this is to check with the person you have made an original arrangement if it's ok if xyz joins - rather than just adding people to whats app groups.

loubar727 · 10/03/2023 20:46

Dear Lord, women are hard work and I am one. It's a wee coffee, no doubt baby talk and a bit of chat and, hopefully, a laugh. The baby cuddle stuff is just giving the baby a mention, I'm sure your wee one is not going to be MOB handled. Just try and go with the flow for this catch up. If your friendship is so tight with both "main" friends surely another get together is not out of the question.

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 20:48

Demjay · 10/03/2023 20:24

What does “social multitasking” even mean?!!
There’s nothing inherently wrong with enjoying hanging out with more than one person at once!?!

Show quote history

I think it’s a new term made up on this thread for when a group of friends and acquaintances get together for a coffee.

AliceOlive · 10/03/2023 20:49

bluesofacushion · 10/03/2023 20:39

No, he's not a designer handbag

Show quote history

Some people are shocked by this. I didn’t even let anyone see my cat’s kittens when they were born, for many many weeks. They are living creatures, not here for anyone’s amusement. Their mama would even let me know when she felt I had looked at them for long enough, by holding up her paw!

Irritatedmum · 10/03/2023 20:49

Have either of your friends met the baby before? Was this organised to meet him in the first place, or was it just a catch up?

Daisy03 · 10/03/2023 20:58

One of my friends does this, and it is like social multitasking. I choose to say no now as I don't choose to spend precious time with his other friends I hardly know.

BearLeft · 10/03/2023 20:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s not very nice to feel that people are organising your life and making choices for you. Particularly when you’ve recently welcomed the most important person you will ever meet into your life. But I also don’t think the other people are being mean. If you don’t want to go don’t go. You have agency. Keep enjoying your baby. I’m really fortunate in that I have enjoyed every moment of my two. You’re allowed to just be you. It’s okay.

Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning · 10/03/2023 21:02

Wow. I mean you do you, but you won't keep these friends for long.

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 21:17

Daisy03 · 10/03/2023 20:58

One of my friends does this, and it is like social multitasking. I choose to say no now as I don't choose to spend precious time with his other friends I hardly know.

Can’t believe folks are saying social multi tasking like it’s a thing and the op didn’t make it up 😂

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/03/2023 21:41

I think you’re being a bit over emotional - it wasn’t a 1 to 1 anyway, it’s a group catch up and the other lady is nice. Baby cuddles is a normal thing to say.

Justbefair · 10/03/2023 22:05

As lovely as it is to meet dear friends, surely a mutual one will be a possible future frend? Just my outlook on life, meet someone new and they can be another good friend, can't have too many ever. Xxx

Flippingnora100 · 10/03/2023 22:08

Another vote for good communication:

I felt a little sad when you invited Sandra because while she is lovely, I’m feeling vulnerable as a new mother and I was really looking forward to being able to talk properly to you to, my old friends. I would love to see the two of you soon and then would be happy to meet up with Sandra as well in the future when I’m feeling more together. I hope you understand.

Also in my book, good manners means consulting the others you’ve made plans with BEFORE inviting someone else. Eg Do you mind if I invite Sandra?

I don’t know why we are all calling her Sandra! 😂

ButterCrackers · 10/03/2023 22:17

Just reply that you hope they have a great time. That they should let you know when they (your actual friends) are free for chat.

Orangepolentacake · 10/03/2023 22:27

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2023 11:26

I think you’re being extremely over-sensitive op as you’ve said third person is nice so I really don’t see your issue. Don’t be surprised if these friends don’t make as many plans with you in future

So unless op does what they want they’ll drop her? Some sort of mean girls mentality?

Orangepolentacake · 10/03/2023 22:43

Gosh some of you are behaving like right old bitches jumping on a new mother who just wanted to meet up and Have some support from her close friends.

do you get a kick out of being nasty to others anonymously?
shame on you
@Thisisformathilda @LemonLymanDotCom and others

FootieMama · 10/03/2023 23:02

I am reading the thread and can clearly see the divide between extroverts and introverts. The extroverts saying whats the problem? The more the merrier! The introverts: Please don't disrupt the delicate balance needed in social interactions!
OP YANBU but neither are your friends. You may have to spell out what you want

crazyaboutcats · 10/03/2023 23:27

Honestly OP the language you are using sounds very depressive and self-isolating to me.

Your friend made a bad call inviting the third person or allowing them to invite themselef. But then they also got it right inviting the second!

You could have gone along with it and either enjoyed the company of all three women, and if you didn't thank you friends and ask next time to do one on one or just the three of you and why saying you found it a bit overwhelming