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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Forensix · 09/03/2023 09:44

But you are still seeing your friends and catching up. Maybe you're not in a good headspace at the moment to be meeting up if you feel this way.

UdoU · 09/03/2023 09:46

YANBU. Nothing wrong with saying that you are looking forward to a proper catch-up with just her, and you're happy for her to suggest a new time if she wants to catch up with her friend on the original date.

fesc · 09/03/2023 09:51

Just say that less people and more local would be preferable for you while you've got a young baby, do they want to rearrange with you and meet as planned another time.

I don't think it's malicious but can understand your POV.

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 09:51

UdoU · 09/03/2023 09:46

YANBU. Nothing wrong with saying that you are looking forward to a proper catch-up with just her, and you're happy for her to suggest a new time if she wants to catch up with her friend on the original date.

It wasn’t a catch up with a single friend, it was a catch up with two friends that has turned into a catch up with three friends.

OP, I think you should go along to the meet up, your friends are still there and if the other woman is nice enough, it is unlikely to be a spoilt event. They all know your baby is not a doll.

drpet49 · 09/03/2023 09:53

YANBU, I would be pissed off and rearrange for another time.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:53

No @Mortimercat the 3rd is not my friend. I do know her and I wouldn't mind if I saw my other friends all the time, but I don't.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 09/03/2023 09:55

How about saying your not feeling great and a bit overwhelmed and would your two friends mind coming to your house and say other lady can meet up a few months down the line when you are feeling better?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 09:55

YANBU id just say "no worries if your busy with (other friend) shall we arrange another time when your free?" That way you're not being rude but it's straight to the point. I'd be cross too.

Fairyliz · 09/03/2023 09:57

You have a new baby so of course you are going to feel tired and emotional.
But presumably if your friends are nice, new woman will be nice? Could be a new friend for you, someone to have a chat with and it sounds like she loves babies.
If you feel up to it I would go. Bringing up children can be lonely and boring, the more people you know the better it is.
Congratulations on your lovely little boy.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:57

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 09:55

YANBU id just say "no worries if your busy with (other friend) shall we arrange another time when your free?" That way you're not being rude but it's straight to the point. I'd be cross too.

Thank you, yes I think I will. I'll leave them to their catch up and try to arrange a meet for another time. :(

OP posts:
quandry1 · 09/03/2023 09:57

If they are good friends I think I'd just explain to them how you feel. They probably just didn't think as if their kids are older they may have forgotten what it's like to have a tiny baby. Say you are feeling quite vulnerable and so really just wanted to see them, as lovely as the other person is they are more their friend than yours etc. if one of my good friends said that to me, I'd understand.

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 09:58

OP you're being precious and hormonal, you'll look back on this in a few months and think oh bloody hell those newborn hormones were raging then! Just go, have a nice catch up, don't worry too much about who's there and take it as a compliment the other friend wants to meet your baby. Why are you anxious about driving and parking? Are you OK in general - any PND going on? I say this as someone who suffered with PND with my first so I'm not being flippant.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:58

Thanks @Fairyliz she's really nice, but if we we're going to become friends we would have done already I think.

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 09:59

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:53

No @Mortimercat the 3rd is not my friend. I do know her and I wouldn't mind if I saw my other friends all the time, but I don't.

No what? I know the third woman isn’t your friend and haven’t said she is. But you said she was pleasant enough, so I don’t know why you are making such an issue of it tbh. But if you don’t want to go then don’t of course, but won’t you be seeing or friends even less then.

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 10:00

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:57

Thank you, yes I think I will. I'll leave them to their catch up and try to arrange a meet for another time. :(

Show quote history

Aw OP don't upset yourself and potentially your friends. That message does come across rude and I'd be taken aback if I was one of your friends
Either explain to them properly your issue and talk it through or just accept you're possibly being a bit sensitive and go along anyway.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 10:01

How does it come across rude? If anything the friend is being rude by inviting another lady and saying they want baby cuddles when they don't really know op. ConfusedHmm

KarmaStar · 09/03/2023 10:03

Go with what's best for you.
Hopefully your friends will understand.
Try to be careful of how you word it as I can see both sides and nobody wants to fall out.💐

Briallen · 09/03/2023 10:04

I would also be annoyed and would say as above something along the lines of
no worries, local is better for me at the moment with baby. She’s a bit unsure around new people so let me know when is a better time for the 2 of you to pop round xx

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 10:05

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 10:01

How does it come across rude? If anything the friend is being rude by inviting another lady and saying they want baby cuddles when they don't really know op. ConfusedHmm

Because its clearly passive aggressive. It would be better to say 'you know What guys I'm really emotional and a bit down at the moment so would rather just keep it to the 3 of us is that OK? Happy to rearrange if you'd rather'

Forensix · 09/03/2023 10:10

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 10:05

Because its clearly passive aggressive. It would be better to say 'you know What guys I'm really emotional and a bit down at the moment so would rather just keep it to the 3 of us is that OK? Happy to rearrange if you'd rather'

Show quote history

I'd be careful with that wording too, "I'd prefer it to just be the 3 of us" can also come across wrong. Friends might think "eh".

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/03/2023 10:11

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 10:01

How does it come across rude? If anything the friend is being rude by inviting another lady and saying they want baby cuddles when they don't really know op. ConfusedHmm

It’s definitely rude. “If you’re busy with X” - they aren’t busy, they’re wanting to see OP and their other friend wanted to join them in the general baby-worship because babies are lovely. A very passive aggressive message.

“I’m a bit overwhelmed and fragile at the minute, can we just keep it to the three of us for now?”
^ expresses how you feel without pass agg stuff.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 10:12

@ObamaLlamas and saying just the 3 of us isn't passive aggressive? The friend is the one on the wrong here making op uncomfortable and inviting the other lady without even checking!

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/03/2023 10:14

This happened to me recently .Friend and l arranged a catch up after a long time due to clashing work hours,family matters etc etc. Both really looking forward to it arranged a few weeks earlier. On the actual day about an hour before she sent me a text saying hope l don't mind if she brings her dd (19). I didn't feel l could say no but was so annoyed and deflated l just put 'No' (l don't mind that is) She must've picked up on my PA brevity 🤣and replied 'Well l've not seen her for three weeks' l went along and it wasn't that bad tbh but if it happens again l will be using some of the replies above.
Love the phrase 'social multitasking' btw as l've been struggling to work out why it annoyed me so much and that hits the nail on the head.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:15

I've just cancelled in hopefully a polite way and had a little cry. I just feel hurt and multitasked tbh.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/03/2023 10:16

I would not send that message, but it's fine to say you just want to catch up with the original two friends, and are happy to reschedule.