Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

What exactly did you reply?
I think you should privately message the 2 friends and say you were really looking forward to a catch up and just feel that by adding a 4th person, it will change the dynamic, but by adding her to the chat before you could discuss it, you didn’t want to be rude in the group chat. And ask if they could suggest a new date for just the 3 of you as you still want to see them.

Total drama llama.

Why can you not drive, park or arrange your own social arrangements?

Agreed with @callthataspade.

I’d ignore some of the other posters who are encouraging you to go, make a new friend etc.

I’ve had this in the past, met up with someone I didn’t even like or it turned out we didn’t get on or someone who it turned out disliked me on sight! Re the latter one as soon as she was rude (for no reason!) I should’ve been equally rude back but I’m far too nice!

I don’t mind doing this occasionally though.

This is a good idea.

I'm with you OP.
Its rude of them to change plans.
It can be upsetting and I totally understand what you are saying.
This has happened to me about 3 times. I travelled over to see someone and there was a person there I had never met before.

I came away feeling like I had had nothing more than a light chit chat with strangers at a bus stop.

I don’t think you’re wrong here OP. Just making you, the one with a newborn, drive further would have been enough on its own to make me say fuck it.

I think I would explicitly tell them you were very much looking forward to seeing the two of them, Sandra isn’t a close friend you can be comfortable around in this difficult newborn stage and would like to meet with just the two of them. If they’re generally good friends I wouldn’t write them off over one thoughtless act, sometimes people don’t realise they’re being dicks. “The more the merrier” has a lot of answer for at times.

I definitely think YANBU. The timing of it is also quite important I think. Had the friend mentioned the other women at the beginning, I think it would have been easier for the OP to diplomatically say she'd prefer to keep it to the three of them. Asking if the woman can join them a few days before does smack of multitasking to me, plus why ask the question if you're going to be offended by the answer.

And do people (women) really want to get together so they can hug someone else's (who they don't really know) baby?

I completely agree! This is what I meant when I said "bland small talk" in my earlier post - that kind of surface-level chat at the bus stop or with someone you don't know very well at work. Totally frustrating if you're looking forward to catching up with friends.

OP you've done nothing wrong. This 4th lady is a friend of theirs, not yours. You might've met her before (as we all tend to do with our friend's friends at some point on a birthday/hen doo/etc) and found her to be perfectly lovely but she's still not your friend. I'd have cancelled as well and left them to their own catch up. Sometimes you're up for those situations and other times you aren't! I know I wouldn't be as open to chat about the nitty gritty stuff as usual if I was due a catch up with my close friend and she invited one of her friends along...

Honestly don't know why some people can't understand different people find different things easier and harder or more enjoyable and less enjoyable

OP isn't a drama llama because she's less confident about driving and parking with a new baby

Nor does it have to be pregnancy hormones because she feels differently than you would

It's hard enough making time as a mum and maybe she'd like to feel she could be herself, and given some consideration by her friends given she's just had a baby

I would probably have cancelled too but be kind to yourself - your friend wouldn’t have meant any harm but just wasn’t thinking

do something nice for yourself today and try and get some sleep& enjoy the day

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

I wouldn't make an excuse - I would be honest and say that as you don't know this woman very well, you won't be joining the meet up.

You could’ve gone and the hopefully got a chance to see just the two of them soon? Now you’ll be seeing them even less

« Coming for baby cuddle » is just a saying. It doesn’t mean she’s a doll.

It’s done now but next time give it a go

I think that "more the merrier" types never get that some people just want to have a small get together where deeper conversations are possible with their actual friends rather than to have it devolve into a general meet-up so they can socialize with several groups at once for general chit chat and not have to organize separate meetups for different friendship groups.

I also think it is beyond presumptuous to invite a distant acquaintance (not even OP's friend) to tag-along to have "baby cuddles" with OP's baby

I think I'd have bowed out too.

I agree with others above, don't dwell on it, you've made the right choice for you.

YANBU to feel upset and annoyed.

But YABU to cancel.
You could have gone this time and then arranged a different time with just the 2 of you next time.

This friend obviously didn’t see anything wrong in inviting the other person and you could have just discussed it.
She probably thinks your flaky or don’t value the friendship as much as her.

It's unfair that they even asked this of you. It completely changes the dynamic when someone else is added especially if you're not well acquainted.

She’s not being precious at all. How rude of you.

Op, my friends visited me at home when my one was a baby. I thought that the norm.

100% agree - it's presumptuous and most people first baby have some extra nerves about baby being passed for cuddles to people they don't know

It's ruder because they have other children and may have relaxed with each they had- most do but you don't go offering your mates newborn baby for cuddles and assume they won't have a problem. You simply remember once you found it hard too

If my friend had a newborn I'd be making the effort to help her however I could.

At the very least I would be visiting her rather than expecting her to travel with the baby and I would not be inviting acquaintances to hold her baby!

I realise the thread title is misleading but I wish people would read the OP.

This was never going to be two people meeting up. I agree that a meet up up with a close friend is very much changed if a pleasant acquaintance is brought along as a third wheel. But this was a meet up for three becoming a meet up for four. It was a small group meet up turning into a slightly larger group meet up.

How does it come across rude? If anything the friend is being rude by inviting another lady and saying they want baby cuddles when they don't really know op
I didn't think it was rude. I thought it was quite friendly to be honest!
Over the years this is how I've made friends, by a current friend introducing me to another in a similar situation as yours Op- just inviting someone else along.
My oldest friend is now close mates with my second oldest friend's friend through a similar meeting! 🤣
You never know, you may really hit off and become long term buddies.
O don't get being freaked out by driving and parking. What's that about? Are you a new driver?

I'm now 61 I've learnt if I want good friends not to sweat the small stuff- I have a friend who does this all the time , I love this friend but I've realised that so do lots of others. And I've met others who I also got along with along the way

OP, honestly I would try to go to the arranged meet up if you can. I do understand that you're feeling a bit hurt, but they haven't done anything really bad and it's so important to hold on to friendships after having a baby. I'm worried you'll regret this later.

Can you jump back on the group and say you were feeling a bit stressed earlier but it should be fine?

OP, you might want to see if you can borrow Priya Parker's Art of Gathering: How we meet and why it matters from the library and see how much it resonates with you. In particular, this part:

PURPOSE IS YOUR BOUNCER:
”The purpose of your gathering is more than an inspiring concept. It is a tool, a filter that helps you determine all the details, grand and trivial. To gather is to make choice after choice: place, time, food, forks, agenda, topics, speakers. VIrtually every choice will be easier to make when you know why you’re gathering, and especially when that why is particular, interesting, and even provocative.

Make purpose your bouncer. Let it decide what goes into your gathering and what stays out” (pg 31).

For her, the same goes about people. When you have a clear purpose for your meeting (reconnecting with your friends), you have a reason to defend the original 'invitation' list.

millerbrian.com/reading-log-2019/2019/9/11/the-art-of-gathering-how-we-meet-and-why-it-matters-by-priya-parker