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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wexone · 09/03/2023 12:48

I agree with you , i hate this. I have a good friend who lives away from me so only meet up every few months due to distance and busy lives. She has invited her friend, not mine sometimes and each time i left early. I don't like her nor have anything in common with her, i am polite and do have conversations with her but am annoyed as wanted to catch up with my friend. You were right to do what you did and hopefully she copped on

Magenta82 · 09/03/2023 12:49

Creeateausername · 09/03/2023 12:42

The people all saying people should respect that not everyone is "the more the merrier"....these people also need to respect that not everyone is "let's close all the doors and not let a single soul in because we have our friends already". This works both ways.

Surely respecting that there will be times when it's your circle only and times when there's someone added IS the compromise? Otherwise, the likes of OP will always get her own way, and her friends never will. That's not really a 50/50 friendship.

I personally would feel a little drained if for example a friend said that she would like to pop along for coffee, and I had to say sorry no you can't as Sally is funny about anyone other than her friends coming. It's awkward. But I do understand and respect both sides of this argument.

But the more the merrier person is the one unilaterally changing the agreed plan. If they wanted to invite the other person they should have done it earlier and got permission from the others first.

People consent to one thing, if you change it the consent is no longer valid.

EightChalk · 09/03/2023 12:50

Creeateausername · 09/03/2023 12:42

The people all saying people should respect that not everyone is "the more the merrier"....these people also need to respect that not everyone is "let's close all the doors and not let a single soul in because we have our friends already". This works both ways.

Surely respecting that there will be times when it's your circle only and times when there's someone added IS the compromise? Otherwise, the likes of OP will always get her own way, and her friends never will. That's not really a 50/50 friendship.

I personally would feel a little drained if for example a friend said that she would like to pop along for coffee, and I had to say sorry no you can't as Sally is funny about anyone other than her friends coming. It's awkward. But I do understand and respect both sides of this argument.

I am a "close the doors" person but only if I've arranged to meet with specific friends, and I think a lot of people are like that. Meeting new friends is great if that's what you're expecting, especially in a setting like a party or a pub quiz where people bring others. But if you've arranged to meet with someone specific, it's different. I would not feel comfortable inviting someone else to that meeting because it would be an imposition on the friend who thought it was just us meeting, and wouldn't like it if they sprung that on me. In this situation, the OP hasn't seen her friends for ages and was looking forward to spending time with them, not someone else.

ActDottie · 09/03/2023 12:50

This wouldn’t annoy me but then I quite like meeting people and getting to know them better.

flannelonthesink · 09/03/2023 12:53

Creeateausername · 09/03/2023 12:42

The people all saying people should respect that not everyone is "the more the merrier"....these people also need to respect that not everyone is "let's close all the doors and not let a single soul in because we have our friends already". This works both ways.

Surely respecting that there will be times when it's your circle only and times when there's someone added IS the compromise? Otherwise, the likes of OP will always get her own way, and her friends never will. That's not really a 50/50 friendship.

I personally would feel a little drained if for example a friend said that she would like to pop along for coffee, and I had to say sorry no you can't as Sally is funny about anyone other than her friends coming. It's awkward. But I do understand and respect both sides of this argument.

I wouldn't agree it's the same thing. If friend A wants to meet up but I'm seeing friend B (A and B have met several times already at events centred around me but aren't actually friends and do not speak), it's just a case of saying 'sorry I have plans with B, but let's meet on this day instead'. Failing that, surely it's just polite to ask first before inviting extra people to meet ups? OP wasn't given the opportunity to state her feelings on the matter, the decision was essentially dumped on her as a like or lump it situation.

Plinkle · 09/03/2023 12:55

Not sure why you’re getting a hard time about this OP, I totally get it. If I was meeting just my close friends, I would feel free to show the unedited version of myself, be honest if I was feeling a bit low, and I would be relaxed. If another person who I was not close to joined the group, the dynamic would change.

It has nothing to do with how pleasant the other person is. It’s about having to stick to conversation topics that include the new person (rather than making reference to any shared history with the close friends and potentially excluding the newbie)” and feeling like you need to project the “good version” of yourself. Plus the realisation that your close friends don’t place the same value on quality time with you, as you do with them. I’ve had it done to me and felt exactly the same.

I would add that the context is very relevant here. It’s fine to randomly invite another person to a casual meet up in the park or a trip to soft play with the kids. This is a different situation from what you’ve said (arranged 6 weeks ago etc).

Densol57 · 09/03/2023 12:55

Something a bit similar on Tues night. Me and my mates arranged a chinese meal. Mate A said right at the beginning she’s really wanting to stuff her face at this meal ( and she did lol ) and can we keep it to just the four of us. We all said of course and had a great meal. Easy, open and honest. As real friends we understood perfectly.

OP - Just be honest in re arranging. Just two friends and nice and close to your home as you have the new baby :)

Workingwithchildcare · 09/03/2023 12:55

Do people really think it’s appropriate to just invite randoms to rearranged catch-ups with friends?

Where friend A has invited friends along the lines of ‘Hey, I’m thinking of trying that new bar on Friday with a few of us. Do you fancy it?’ Then the expectation is a wider group of people will be there.

Where Op has a prearranged ‘meet my baby for the first time ‘ with close friends, no. That’s just rude and bad form.

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 12:57

UdoU · 09/03/2023 09:46

YANBU. Nothing wrong with saying that you are looking forward to a proper catch-up with just her, and you're happy for her to suggest a new time if she wants to catch up with her friend on the original date.

Yes, I agree with this in theory but I think the moment to say that has passed.

2020nymph · 09/03/2023 13:01

Workingwithchildcare · 09/03/2023 11:27

Hang on, why so many post blaming hormones? Do you know not everyone is an extrovert who enjoys being a social butterfly and meeting new people. This is me.

I want friendships which are deeper. It means I have less friends than most but we are good friends. Those social situations with one or two friends appeal to me more than a group. That’s not hormonal; it’s my personality and that perfectly good. Stop making out there is something wrong with the OP.

OP I hope you manage to meet up with your friends soon.

Absolutely this!

I'm an introvert and would hate this, especially if I had been looking forward to catching up with two close friends. Imo it changes the dynamics.

notacooldad · 09/03/2023 13:07

Do people really think it’s appropriate to just invite randoms to rearranged catch-ups with friends?
That's what it has been happening in my friendship group for the last nearly 40 years. When I was young I was a bit sniffy about meeting new people but I'm so glad I put up with it because a consequence of meeting a friend of friend who I wasn't expecting I have made life long friends and built up a solid friendship network that has lasted decades.

MichelleScarn · 09/03/2023 13:16

callthataspade · 09/03/2023 11:38

Fuck that

They're friends but you don't see them regularly so this is a big thing. In the diary for six weeks.

Firstly they change the location to suit them. Despite knowing you're a new mum. Why aren't they fucking asking what's easiest for you? They've been there. They know how overwhelming it is.

Then they invite someone else along. Doesn't matter who the fuck it is. She wasn't part of the original plan. Why can't she have a catch up with her old friends. Time and a place to catch up with a random you never actually see and it's not now

And yeah the 'she wants baby cuddles' would fuck me right off.

And no. No pregnancy hormones here. Just basic manners and treating friends with a bit of respect.

Absolutely this! The whole catch up has changed, different venue, and people you don't 'know'.
Agree fuck that!
Whos the new venue closest to?

user1492757084 · 09/03/2023 13:16

No need to reply in a rude way and no need to feel slighted.
When your friend asked whether it was alright to meet further away from your home you should have answered honestly and told her you would feel overwhelmed about travelling so far when you are tired.
Ask for another date and invite them to your home or a nearby park. You might like the new friend.
I would not include the friend's friend in the conversation about why you will not meet. It sounds precious. Be warm and welcoming.

SkyandSurf · 09/03/2023 13:17

I can't believe all the people horrified by spending time with a friend of a friend.

How does anyone make new friends or expand their social circle with this attitude? That's literally how I met my husband.

OP, just be honest. Say it's too much for you right now. Would they mind popping over to your home, just the two of them, while you're still finding your feet.

I don't think they meant disrespect by it. I would have thought the more the merrier as well.

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 13:17

I wonder how anyone ever made friends in the first place if they’re so opposed to ever spending time with new people. I personally don’t feel I have to change the way I talk or behave if another person is added to the group. In fact I’ve made some good friends this way, as I really hit it off with the “random third person” who was invited along. If a good friend said “can we keep it just us” I’d respect that of course, but you need to speak up if that’s what you want. I would usually ask before inviting someone else though.

Floralnomad · 09/03/2023 13:18

Honestly I think you are being a bit pathetic , but I suggest that you invite the people you actually want to meet up with to your home that way you can get who comes through the door .

nonheme · 09/03/2023 13:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Pleasebeafleabite · 09/03/2023 13:20

I think most people wouldn’t like this change of plan, it’s not an extrovert vs introvert thing.

The problem is you’ve now cut your nose off to spite your face. Next time OP USE YOUR WORDS

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 13:22

2020nymph · 09/03/2023 13:01

Absolutely this!

I'm an introvert and would hate this, especially if I had been looking forward to catching up with two close friends. Imo it changes the dynamics.

Show quote history

I'm not an introvert, neither am I 'hormonal'. I would not like this. When I make arrangements I expect people to (within reason) stick to them. It's not about whether the additional person is nice or not, it's that it's a completely different meet-up now. I'd feel exactly the same if someone brought their kid partner or dog along or changed the timings, the venue or the activity

I'm not completely inflexible or awkward but this friend was rude and inconsiderate. She messaged to ask if OP was OK with things....Did she though? She wasn't running it by her to see how she felt. Sounds like it was a done deal and she was telling not asking. Rude.

These sort of occurances I like to bounce it back...
Her "l've invited X along, is that OK?"...
Me "Are you asking me or telling me""

Worth bearing in mind though in the future if you make arrangements to say meet up for a coffee or call into your friends for a catch up, make it clear in advance if you've got your kid in tow. If you were meeting with me and dealing with milk and nappies I'd consider that multi-tasking too. I'm not saying it's a no, but I'd like to know in advance before I make a decision

Nocutenamesleft · 09/03/2023 13:23

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:31

It's knowing that's my friend is more interested in seeing other people and not really me.

Show quote history

Eh? But she was meeting up with you?

im so confused here….

2Rebecca · 09/03/2023 13:26

I would now message the original friend and just say you'd like to meet up with just the 2 of you another time as you had originally planned

Nocutenamesleft · 09/03/2023 13:27

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:50

@mewkins friends will choose to see each other regardless of who else is there. She would not think to ask me for coffee and I wouldn't her

Now I’m really confused!

you said friends will want to see each other regardless of who is there

but you don’t want to meet them regardless of who is there…..so you’ve answered your own question surely? If I’ve got it wrong. Let me know though

MultipleVeganPies · 09/03/2023 13:28

I think people who are “close the doors people” set themselves up for a limited social life with dwindling numbers of friends.

it’s easy-going people who end up have more And less complicated, friendships

i think you made a mistake with this one OP

i am naturally not that easy going, but old enough to know that you can’t control other people like this. By cancelling and making her feel bad for having invited along another person you’ve damaged the friendship a little bit. And for what?

Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 13:29

A bit petulant and precious I think. If you bring someone else I am NOT going dummy throwing. The funny thing is they will all still meet up without you so who actually loses out? Then your friend has to go back to the other person and say " looks like Blue's really minds you coming along so much so she cancelled". Doesn't paint you in the greatest light. It's coffee not a weekend away.

As for being tearful and overwhelmed? Over someone you actually know who is really nice joining your little group for coffee? Looks like we cannot use the hormone card due to some of the comments on here so I will use the very overly sensitive one instead.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/03/2023 13:32

SingaporeSlinky · 09/03/2023 11:44

What exactly did you reply?
I think you should privately message the 2 friends and say you were really looking forward to a catch up and just feel that by adding a 4th person, it will change the dynamic, but by adding her to the chat before you could discuss it, you didn’t want to be rude in the group chat. And ask if they could suggest a new date for just the 3 of you as you still want to see them.

I think this! ❤️. Perfect