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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 12:19

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 10:45

I've asked to do something another time just us and the reply was "okay" so I think that says it all

I hear you. Sorry this happened to you, I know it really sucks. Flowers

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/03/2023 12:20

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:57

Thank you, yes I think I will. I'll leave them to their catch up and try to arrange a meet for another time. :(

Show quote history

I think this is a passive-aggressive response, why on earth would you push your dear friends away like that.

A real answer would be, “Tbh I’m still pretty wobbly after the birth, and a bit nervous about the driving/parking with new baby, so if it’s okay I’d rather just see you guys alone. New people make me extra nervous and I just need my besties round me right now.”

Could you imagine yourself saying something like that? Real friends would get it.

Wilkolampshade · 09/03/2023 12:20

YANBU at all OP.
Also ignore the dismissive and patronising accusations that you're being precious or hormonal - or have PND (fgs 😠)
I would feel exactly the same in your shoes and would have made some kind of excuses too. Of course it massively changes the dynamic, and one of the great things about being an adult is you're supposed to be able to make your own decisions about friendships, not be told to spend precious and rare social time with people whether you like them or not.

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 12:20

I don’t really understand why some people get so offended and upset about another person being added - it doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you or aren’t interested, it just means they’re amalgamating different friends because they’re equally interested in seeing you both. If she’s nice I don’t see the problem? But, you feel how you feel. If they’re close friends though why can’t you message them individually for a catch up? You say neither you or they “would think to do that” which seems weird?

carriedout · 09/03/2023 12:20

I think the change of venue was inconsiderate given the op has a newborn, as bad as inviting another without checking.

cheeriocereal · 09/03/2023 12:21

'don't get being freaked out by driving and parking. What's that about? Are you a new driver?'*
*
I probably wouldn't be called a new driver anymore but I'm triple nervous when I have a baby in the car - my neice has just been born, whilst I will drive my own kid anywhere now and be confident- I know he won't scream, whimper, be uncomfortable or sick - my neice however I need to keep checking on and I'm distracted more than my own kid. It's so much more stressful if I was to break down or get stuck in traffic etc

flannelonthesink · 09/03/2023 12:22

notacooldad · 09/03/2023 12:14

How does it come across rude? If anything the friend is being rude by inviting another lady and saying they want baby cuddles when they don't really know op
I didn't think it was rude. I thought it was quite friendly to be honest!
Over the years this is how I've made friends, by a current friend introducing me to another in a similar situation as yours Op- just inviting someone else along.
My oldest friend is now close mates with my second oldest friend's friend through a similar meeting! 🤣
You never know, you may really hit off and become long term buddies.
O don't get being freaked out by driving and parking. What's that about? Are you a new driver?

That's great for you but not everyone is comfortable with this and that's okay. OP has said if her and the other lady would have been friends it would have happened by now. She was looking forward to a long awaited meet up with 2 close friends. The dynamic has been changed and it's fine if OP isn't comfortable or interested in this.

EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 12:22

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 12:20

I don’t really understand why some people get so offended and upset about another person being added - it doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you or aren’t interested, it just means they’re amalgamating different friends because they’re equally interested in seeing you both. If she’s nice I don’t see the problem? But, you feel how you feel. If they’re close friends though why can’t you message them individually for a catch up? You say neither you or they “would think to do that” which seems weird?

Because you want to spend 1:1 time with the person you originally asked to meet.

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 12:22

I think the world is divided into people who think "the more the merrier" and people who don't.

This is the crux of it. You don’t - and your friend hasn’t respected that. And of all the times where you do need to show a little consideration for other’s’ preferences, when someone has a newborn is pretty much the top of the tree. To be crass about it, your friend wants to multitask you; you can’t be bothered making conversation with a random. You’re well within your rights to pull out. And if she doesn’t get the message and respect that, then she’s not a very good friend.

Pegsmum · 09/03/2023 12:22

Maybe the 3rd person really wanted to meet up with you and your baby?

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 12:25

EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 12:22

Because you want to spend 1:1 time with the person you originally asked to meet.

Show quote history

But OP goes on to say that neither she or the friend would think to invite each other for a coffee, so it sounds like 1-1 doesn’t happen, as I understood it there were 2 friends originally and it became three.

If either of them are close friends though surely you can message them separately saying you’d rather have a smaller meet-up just with them?

I still don’t think it means they aren’t interested in you though. They are, they just want to see their other friend as well and you need to speak up and assert yourself if this doesn’t suit you.

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 12:25

I don’t really understand why some people get so offended and upset about another person being added

It changes the dynamic. Completely in some situations. And it changes the tone of the meet up from “let’s catch up with each other” to bring centred around the person who’s invited the extra; they effectively become the host rather than an equal participant.

Barnstormaway787 · 09/03/2023 12:26

callthataspade · 09/03/2023 11:38

Fuck that

They're friends but you don't see them regularly so this is a big thing. In the diary for six weeks.

Firstly they change the location to suit them. Despite knowing you're a new mum. Why aren't they fucking asking what's easiest for you? They've been there. They know how overwhelming it is.

Then they invite someone else along. Doesn't matter who the fuck it is. She wasn't part of the original plan. Why can't she have a catch up with her old friends. Time and a place to catch up with a random you never actually see and it's not now

And yeah the 'she wants baby cuddles' would fuck me right off.

And no. No pregnancy hormones here. Just basic manners and treating friends with a bit of respect.

^^ This!

It’s basic manners on the first visit to someone with a new baby to fit in with them and their needs.

2bazookas · 09/03/2023 12:27

Just reply "We are being ultra cautious about social contact so I'd prefer your friend not to be there."

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 12:28

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 12:25

I don’t really understand why some people get so offended and upset about another person being added

It changes the dynamic. Completely in some situations. And it changes the tone of the meet up from “let’s catch up with each other” to bring centred around the person who’s invited the extra; they effectively become the host rather than an equal participant.

Why does a change of dynamic matter though? Unless you wanted to discuss private and serious things with someone that you don’t want other people knowing in which case yes it would be thoughtless to bring someone else along. If it’s just a catch up and chat over a coffee or at the pub I don’t get why people are so precious about ‘dynamics’

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2023 12:29

callthataspade · 09/03/2023 11:38

Fuck that

They're friends but you don't see them regularly so this is a big thing. In the diary for six weeks.

Firstly they change the location to suit them. Despite knowing you're a new mum. Why aren't they fucking asking what's easiest for you? They've been there. They know how overwhelming it is.

Then they invite someone else along. Doesn't matter who the fuck it is. She wasn't part of the original plan. Why can't she have a catch up with her old friends. Time and a place to catch up with a random you never actually see and it's not now

And yeah the 'she wants baby cuddles' would fuck me right off.

And no. No pregnancy hormones here. Just basic manners and treating friends with a bit of respect.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Your friends are being thoughtless at best OP, and really fucking rude regardless.

"this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently."
That sounds to me as if she initiated the change of plans. And it was NOT her place to do so. I expect how it went was, one of your friends mentioned they were meeting with you and you'd just had a baby, and she did the 'oh I love babies, me, I want to come, pleeeease!' routine. And your friends - thoughtlessly - said yes.

"It's knowing that's my friend is more interested in seeing other people and not really me."
I do disagree with you slightly here OP. I don't think they are more interested in seeing her, but I do think they are prioritising her stated wants. Which I find bizarre. They had a plan with you. She wants in. They fall in with her wants without checking with you first. They prioritised her over both you and, in my opinion, over themselves. Weird dynamic.

And don't get me started on how off-putting I would find someone meeting me not for me but to get access to my newborn. As you said, he's not a doll, and her muscling in and expecting unquestioned physical access to a friend of a friend's baby just raises my hackles. You describe her as "really nice" OP, but again I find myself disagreeing.

vitahelp · 09/03/2023 12:30

YANBU I would find this really odd and wouldn't be pleased either, especially if it's the first time your friends will be meeting baby.

When my DD was that age I wouldn't have been keen on travelling/parking/ being in company of others I'm not that close to anyway, as I found it quite overwhelming adapting to life with a new baby in the first 4-6 weeks and was also getting used to breastfeeding.
I would reschedule.

PillBoxes · 09/03/2023 12:31

OP you did the right thing for you, and I would have done exactly the same. You went with your gut instinct and will be much happier going forward because of that.

No one needs to feel put upon or uncomfortable in what should have been an enjoyable get together, and whether that was their intention or not, that is how you felt.

Move on now and enjoy your little baby.

BubziOwl · 09/03/2023 12:35

I totally understand why you wouldn't want the third woman coming whilst you're feeling so vulnerable. I think it's a shame though that you sent the message as suggested by a PP because I personally think it comes across quite rude and passive aggressive, even though that wasn't your intention.

I think you should try and smooth it over now by messaging the two friends you wanted to meet privately and just be honest and explain that you're not up to meeting with people you don't know so well right now, and you don't want to travel far with your new baby.

I think it was careless to change the location and invite the third woman, but please OP understand it really isn't a reflection of how they feel about you, or a sign that they don't care about seeing you. Don't convince yourself of that. They were just being thoughtless.

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

EightChalk · 09/03/2023 12:35

TedMullins · 09/03/2023 12:28

Why does a change of dynamic matter though? Unless you wanted to discuss private and serious things with someone that you don’t want other people knowing in which case yes it would be thoughtless to bring someone else along. If it’s just a catch up and chat over a coffee or at the pub I don’t get why people are so precious about ‘dynamics’

Show quote history

I have completely different kinds of conversations with actual friends, which are much more fulfilling and enjoyable and a good use of time, as opposed to acquaintances. Even if it's not something serious or private, it's just different to talk to someone you know well, with whom you have shared memories and who is a friend rather than just a nice, friendly person you don't know very well. Otherwise, why bother having close friends if people are interchangeable as long as you can have a nice chat with them?

Dippyeggz · 09/03/2023 12:40

I had a friend who did this once and it was the nail in the coffin for our friendship. We'd meet up increasingly rarely, and then one time she invited some random (to me) girl who joined us a little after we arrived. I found it weird and rude and I just didn't bother with her after that. It sounds like at least your friends have done you the courtesy of letting you know beforehand, but I understand how you feel.

Creeateausername · 09/03/2023 12:42

The people all saying people should respect that not everyone is "the more the merrier"....these people also need to respect that not everyone is "let's close all the doors and not let a single soul in because we have our friends already". This works both ways.

Surely respecting that there will be times when it's your circle only and times when there's someone added IS the compromise? Otherwise, the likes of OP will always get her own way, and her friends never will. That's not really a 50/50 friendship.

I personally would feel a little drained if for example a friend said that she would like to pop along for coffee, and I had to say sorry no you can't as Sally is funny about anyone other than her friends coming. It's awkward. But I do understand and respect both sides of this argument.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 09/03/2023 12:42

But OP goes on to say that neither she or the friend would think to invite each other for a coffee, so it sounds like 1-1 doesn’t happen, as I understood it there were 2 friends originally and it became three.

I thought that was referring to the added woman not one of the two original friends.

Supersimkin2 · 09/03/2023 12:43

YANBU. Friend rude and insensitive.

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 12:44

Why does a change of dynamic matter though?

You commit time and money and effort to go to a social occasion of your choosing - which is then fundamentally altered at the whim of someone else. It matters because it may totally change the experience that another person has - so it’s bloody rude to impose it on them.