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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest putting trousers on to go out in the snow

347 replies

Shebelievedshecouldbutshecba · 08/03/2023 19:49

DS was being taken to football today. Was in football kit ready to go. DH asked him to put trousers on before getting in the car, given it was snowing. DS refused point blank. DH said he wasn’t taking him unless he put the trousers on. I agreed. DS refused, so DH wouldn’t take him and we now have had a 2h tantrum (with screaming) about what awful parents we are.

WWBU? I don’t think we were. Would have taken him less than a minute to put the trousers on, the consequence of not doing so was clearly laid out, and then we followed through with the consequence.

And any guesses how old DS is?

OP posts:
Completelydonechick · 09/03/2023 21:08

Try that fight(it is the principle, not the fight) when they are 14 or 16 and much bigger!!! They need to know that they are safe, and that means taking care of their welfare. They may fight you about it, but it is so important that know that you completely care about them. You need to prove that to them when the opportunity arises, and if you let them down too easily, that trust is very, very difficult to gain back at a later time! Fight the small stuff and the big stuff doesn’t happen!

WiIson · 09/03/2023 21:15

Fight the small stuff and the big stuff doesn’t happen

Micro-managing a 12 year old on the small stuff instead of giving them some choices / autonomy, will certainly lead to the big stuff happening.

Tinybrother · 09/03/2023 21:46

Haha yeah my parents thought that about fighting the small stuff so the big stuff doesn’t happen. After all the fuss over the small stuff I just made sure they never found out about the big stuff.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 09/03/2023 21:57

-Suggesting trousers was reasonable
-insisting on trousers was unreasonable!

As you head into his teens it would be good to take time to talk through choices he has but to allow him autonomy where you can.

Today, if he chose to wear shorts after your advice… he would have been uncomfortable and would have learned that your advice is worth listening to. A very useful lesson.

I would say choose your battles carefully-this one just made your 12 year old feel like a toddler. Nobody won.

WiIson · 09/03/2023 21:57

Tinybrother · 09/03/2023 21:46

Haha yeah my parents thought that about fighting the small stuff so the big stuff doesn’t happen. After all the fuss over the small stuff I just made sure they never found out about the big stuff.

😂 yep.

oknowimscared · 09/03/2023 22:40

I haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this has been mentioned. You probably did die on the wrong hill, but it’s the football coach who should be telling the kids to wear long trousers, rather than shorts. There’s a reason you see professional athletes wearing long sleeves, trousers and gloves in this weather while training - it’s sensible, physiologically.
Can you quietly suggest / email the coach to get them to encourage the team to wear more weather appropriate clothing so it doesn’t become a “hard kids wear shorts” thing?

T1Dmama · 09/03/2023 22:44

Well I think once DH made that Ultimatum you then had to see it through.
my feeling is that once threatened that’s it. And your son could’ve just put his trousers on. A tantrum doesn’t achieve much.

GreenSunfish · 09/03/2023 22:45

Definitely unreasonable but I can see why you did it. When I was that age we wore bare legs to school in blizzards - it toughens you up!! He’d have been running about keeping warm.

Blendiful · 09/03/2023 22:56

I was going to say 12 as I have conversations every week with other parents at our football about how they suggested under tops/gloves/leggings etc and the kids came without and now look frozen! Haha!

I would suggest to my son that age but not make him, I would tell him, he'll likely be cold, and if he is I don't want him moaning. And he'd probably go out them on, why, because he didn't listen before and was cold, and I didn't accept his moaning. Now he knows I'm right.

I think this should have been the course of action and he would have either been cold, or maybe not (teens are weird hot human beings who don't seem to feel cold!) and then he would learn for next time, or it wouldn't be an issue

Feraldogmum · 09/03/2023 23:09

You are being perfectly reasonable . The point is you are his parents and he should do as he’s told. If children learn that there are no consequences to their actions, you end up with feral little sods who do exactly as they please and then the adult world is a very big shock.Not good for society either.

Mamanyt · 10/03/2023 00:31

Having reared two of the little creatures myself, I can tell you that's going to be a losing battle. And there will continue to be tantrums. BOTH of my boys wore shorts in all weathers, and at all seasons. Neither ever caught so much as a cold, much less pneumonia. They are now in their 40s, and neither one thinks a thing of going out in the snow in shorts, for short periods of time. Hardy sorts.

Skodacool · 10/03/2023 00:52

What was he going to wear after football?

Aethelred · 10/03/2023 07:41

I think I would have suggested putting a pair of trousers in the car so he could put them on if he got cold as a first compromise. I see people who wear shorts all year round, even when it's really cold, so there are people who are fine with it.

HappyAsASandboy · 10/03/2023 09:05

I try to have clear lines of responsibility;

It is my job to provide the food/equipment/guidance/advice that they need to do things properly; it is their job to do the thing. I can't (shouldn't!) make them do it my way, and they shouldn't be in a position where they feel underfed/ill-equipped/unsure if consequences.

All you can do it pave the way. They have to actually take the steps themselves.

mustgetoffmn · 10/03/2023 09:24

That does seem old for a tantrum kicking screaming. Deep sulk is more of that age. Also he’s old enough to assert his own opinion. Only to be blocked if dangerous. Assume this just for the journey there. You are definitely BU and over controlling ask yourself why it mattered to you so much that he got freezing legs?

QuillBill · 10/03/2023 10:22

Skodacool · 10/03/2023 00:52

What was he going to wear after football?

Probably his pyjamas as it was a evening training and he would have had a shower when he got home.

FreddieMercurysCat · 10/03/2023 10:53

YABU. He’s off to run around for 90 mins. He doesn’t need trousers on. Similar situation with my 8 year old. I picked my battles, this wasn’t one and he’s fine.

Fluffmum · 10/03/2023 11:42

Petty argument.

Dontthinkthrice · 10/03/2023 13:45

I don’t think you were unreasonable to tell him to wear trousers. I think the point is you’ve asked him to do something and he’s refused and you gave him a consequence so you had to follow through.
I’m sure in hindsight you might think you could have just packed the trousers (as he did need them despite what others have said).

DangerousAlchemy · 10/03/2023 16:34

He's 12!! 🤣🤣 bloody hell OP - pick your battles lol. My 15 DS been playing footy since he was 7 & we've never made him pop trousers over his shorts unless he wanted to. What a total waste of time! I think you & your DH sound a bit unhinged on this occasion tbh.

jellybum · 10/03/2023 19:28

My youngest son wore shorts every single day until the age of 15 and a half. We live in the French Alps so freezing temperatures and lots of snow in winter. Absolutely not a problem. Some of the French parents were rather perturbed by the sight of him stomping along in the snow in his shorts but he honestly never felt the cold. Still doesn’t. We compromised on a spare pair of socks in his backpack as there is nothing worse than cold wet socks! However he is sensible enough to know that it is always a good idea to pack warm layers, just in case. Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for.

oosha · 11/03/2023 08:07

I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. I think you need to pick your battles and this wasn’t the right one. Unless you are talking about a very young child that doesn’t possess the understanding about the cold weather and clothing layers for warmth then why are you trying to force a child to wear something they don’t want to. They have a choice too you know!

Oysterbabe · 11/03/2023 08:11

My DH has a similar battle with DD (7) almost every day. In my view she's old enough to manage her own temperature and having a screaming row with tears over a coat every day achieves nothing.

Shz · 11/03/2023 11:09

I don’t think kids really feel the cold tbh especially when running about at football. Probably not an argument I’d have go r to extremes with - I would have just chucked trackie bottoms in his bag and gone to football instead of causing this much disruption over him maybe getting cold legs (and really that’s not the end of the world - and he would have learnt from it)

Stewball01 · 12/03/2023 09:51

How old is he??????

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