To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

And this is why I ignore Mothers Day. Ridiculously complicated for some people

Because, in the same way he wants to see his mum, I want to spend it with mine. I haven't made him feel guilty, he has made me feel guilty

Ah so all grandmothers through their son shouldn’t see their grandchildren on Mother’s Day, just their son. But if you have a daughter expect to see her and your grandchildren every year without failure.

Very kind.

A family tree diagram where all branches lead back to the poor MIL obviously 😂

OP your solution is absolutely right! He can't be stroppy because you want a Mother's Day lunch with your mum and your DC as their mum, when you're offering to go and see his Mum later in the day - he can still go to lunch with his mum, there's no barriers here apart from the ones he's creating!

But he is going to be with his mother. So that's fine.

He's not going to be having lunch with his wife or kids, but then it isn't father's day or husband's day. It's Mother's day. So he sees his mother.

This is reminding me of the dividing by zero thread

This is such a weird thread - the last one which had a poster complaining about just wanting to do the day on her own with her own children and not include a grandmother had most people backing up the OP and saying of course it's your day as a mother you should do what you want!

I hope people realise you’re being completely fair after reading this OP.

Have you tried asking him? Reaching a compromise? Or is it your way or the highway?

You don't have to be tied to the actual day, surely. It's just a calendar date. The point is to celebrate your love for all the various mothers which presumably isn't confined to that one date. See your mum on the Saturday and his on the Sunday, or vice versa. Or one on weekend and the other the next. The companionship and the celebration meal and the love will all be the same. It doesn't have to be either/or.

there's no reason why your MIL shouldn't have some contact with her DGC on mother's day.

There is a clear divide on this thread between people who think MD is also about the grandparents, and people that don't.

MD is just another day for MIL when it comes to the GC, there's no special reason for her to need to see them. The other grandmother is seeing them because she is seeing her daughter and they are also seeing her daughter (their mother), not because she's their grandmother.

He can do that on Father’s Day - which he does, according to OP.

The fair thing to do would be you see your mum, he sees his and takes the kids (as they've been to see your mum the last few mother's days).
You can of course see your mum and not his, but it doesn't seem fair that you take the kids as the default.

But it's not grandparents day. And the MIL will get all the father's days probably through her DH with the grandkids. And as long as you alternate grandparents day - Sunday Sept 10th this year - all will be equal.

Since when has Mother’s Day been about grandparents?

Of course he does - he can see his children celebrating their mother over breakfast, the morning period, the afternoon and the evening! And goes to spend the lunch time celebrating his mum, whilst OP goes to celebrate hers.

When I was married I used to ask for the day off on mother's day (ie I do nothing for the children for once) so after a quick hour with the kids I would then go to my mum's and exh would go to his mum's (with the kids).

No, but no one is suggesting that the people she is mother to don't spend time with her on Mother's Day.

This one feels straightforward to me. On Mother's Day everyone gets to spend the time with their own mother.

Missing out on what, though? The OP hasn't said her DH can't go to see his mum, she's just said she's going to see hers.

Exactly. Personally I'd go out to lunch all together then no one's kept out.

But the two situations are completely different? Visiting family and GPs grave vs seeing step grandad is not the same as both GMs wanting to see their grandkids. They aren't comparable at all.

Your way seems logical to me.
The kids are not seeing her mum because it’s Mother’s Day. They are celebrating Mother’s Day with their own mother. The OP is celebrating with her mother. As a by product her mother also gets to see the kids.

Have you tried looking at things from your DHs point of view?
He might like to take his children to see him mum as she doesn’t get Christmas Day with them.
Sometimes we can’t have things all our own way.

Can't you go to his mum's in the morning , your mum's in the afternoon ?

Yes we're up to 14 now 🙈😂