To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

About as relevant to OP’s scenario as asking “do you like bananas? Are you a clown? Chicken or beef?”

This is a great thread.

Why would me saying I'm a mum of boys be a dig? I'm saying that her DH's Mum has as much right to see her grandkids on mother's Day as the OP's mother if that's how you spend your day. This pointless one upping as to who deserves time more is exactly why I only spend mother's Day with my kids, not my Mum despite my husband's mum having gone NC years ago

It's not just mother's Day though is it? Women on here in general think that their rights to time with the kids trumps men's time. I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

It’s not about OP’s mum seeing her grandchildren (though both grandmas are catered for in that respect in OP’s scenario) – it’s about OP seeing HER children!

You don't think it's pointless to not see your own mum on Mother's Day as it wouldn't be fair on a woman who isn't your mother and you don't have any contact with anyway?
You'd be better off hoping that your children are nicer to you than you are to your Mum on Mothers Day and leave your DILs and their mums to it to be honest.

This post is talking exclusively about Mothers day. So yes on Mother's day it does.
I think in reality most mum's by default look after their children more than dad's do. I don't think this is bad thing perdonally and I think most families work fine like this. In fact I'd imagine there are a lot of Mum's out there who would love Dad to take the children out a little more often (just not on Mother's day though)!

Certainly it does on Mother’s Day. On Father’s Day, the reverse applies, and if the father in question wished to take his kids to see his dad (or in this case to visit his dad’s grave), I’d definitely think that would be reasonable. But on Mother’s Day, yes, the mother’s wishes should take priority.

@Tessabelle74 if you want to discuss how father’s rights to be with their children on days other than Mother’s Day are dismissed on MN, maybe start a thread about that? Because on this one, the OP was talking about Mother’s Day.

Do you think the kids would be happy sat there mourning the grandfather!?

@Tessabelle74 and frankly you’re living in cloud cuckoo land if you think your DIL will value you as much as her own mother, unless they’re no contact or have a hideous relationship. And surely you won’t wish that on your son’s future wife?

Have you considered letting MIL adopt your children, OP? Very selfish keeping them as your own, typical DIL me me me behaviour.

@Tessabelle74 how you get on with future DIL is down to you..
I didn’t have much of a relationship with mine sadly, as on the occasions we did visit their were always digs and I was never good enough, I always tried to include her and she was never interested, if I didn’t include her she’d moan….
best example is when our daughter was younger I offered to drive 6 hours so she could meet her granddaughter and she declined, daughter now a teenager and she still hasn’t met her! (Husband worked away and was never home during school holidays)… so her attitude was she would either meet grandchild with her son or not at all!!… so it’s been not at all…. Sad but I can’t have done more

😂😂

Except that's not remotely even close to what the OP is saying.

Honestly-have people forgotten how to read? OP has said it is fine for her DP to go and have a meal with his mum and siblings-whilst she has lunch with her mum, children and siblings.

It's honestly not that difficult to comprehend if you try.

It's not just mother's Day though is it? Women on here in general think that their rights to time with the kids trumps men's time. I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

The madness continues 😂

You do realise there's a Father's Day yeah?

Why not when it's Mother's Day, not Father's Day? Why is MIL more entitled to see GC on MD than their actual mother?

What I see is a status quo where it's assumed that women are the default parent while men have to be free to go out to the pub and down the gym or their heads will explode. And women have to do the majority of the parenting on the basis that they could always demand a token spa day if they were willing to entrust their child to such a gormless man child. Meanwhile MIL seems to watch and tut if her son's every need isn't catered for on the basis that he works hard (presumably only men work hard).

If anyone was interested they could easily pick up tips on why family relationships break down - the expectations are unreasonable and the grievances are often very entitled.

Then the marriage breaks down and it turns out that all dad's visitation time happens at Grandma's house because he doesn't know what to do and lives in a man cave.

Maybe there are good reasons why Mum becomes the major parent so much of the time and maybe it's not of her choosing.

Honestly if I could like a comment a thousand times.

Fairly fortunate on the whole that my partner is pretty good but oh yes he certainly goes out a LOT more than I do and I still remember when my first was a week or so old and MIL telling me how 'lucky' I was that OH would change pooey nappies.

I said to her well it's just as well isn't it really because if I refused to do them too poor DD would be going around with poo in her pants forever more. Credit where due, she did laugh.

@MangoPi Ah OK fair enough, was just an errant thought.
But you are still NBU for Mothers Day 💐

Tell me you're going to be a nightmare MIL with out telling me your going to be a nightmare MIL 😬shiiiit.

The mums of boys on here are absolutely batshit and I really feel for their future DILS. Fingers crossed they are strong women who can put the crazy fuckers in their place. Or just fuck them off.

Host it at your home: both of you get to spend it with your children. Invite the grandmothers for lunch. Job done.

Also, it is perfectly normally for not all mothers to spend mothers day with their adult children. The sooner you all come to terms with that, the better.

Except OP has to host instead of relax, and as has been mentioned many times, all of the siblings, and by extension their siblings partners mothers and any other siblings they have would also have to come, making it an absolutely enormous gathering.

Simply change everyone’s plans completely, including people unrelated to the problem such as OP’s and OH’s siblings, in a way that inconveniences OP the most, in order to prioritise MIL and OH, neither of whom are mothers of the children, which is important – it being Mother’s Day – and who will get to see them later that day anyway. It’s so simple I can’t believe OP didn’t think of hosting a multitude in the first place!