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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

796 replies

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:10

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 12/03/2023 11:19

jemimapuddlepluck · 12/03/2023 10:22

The mums of boys on here are absolutely batshit and I really feel for their future DILS. Fingers crossed they are strong women who can put the crazy fuckers in their place. Or just fuck them off.

Several mums of boys including me have said they agree with OP's solution and I am pretty sure at least one mum of girls didn’t but not going back trawl back through thread to find them

FrostyFifi · 12/03/2023 11:24

I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

Ha ha no.

jemimapuddlepluck · 12/03/2023 11:27

Mothership4two · 12/03/2023 11:19

Several mums of boys including me have said they agree with OP's solution and I am pretty sure at least one mum of girls didn’t but not going back trawl back through thread to find them

Oops, sorry Mothership4two. It should have said SOME mums of boys.

T1Dmama · 13/03/2023 00:58

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2023 10:41

Host it at your home: both of you get to spend it with your children. Invite the grandmothers for lunch. Job done.

Also, it is perfectly normally for not all mothers to spend mothers day with their adult children. The sooner you all come to terms with that, the better.

What about the other siblings?? Have them too? And their partners and their mums too? I’m one of 4…. I couldn’t have my mum and all my siblings and their partners, kids and inlaws… not to mention my mil and husbands siblings, their partner and their inlaws!

T1Dmama · 13/03/2023 01:03

I’m sorry OP…
Its Mothers Day…. You shouldn’t have to argue about whether or not you are ‘allowed’ to spend Mother’s Day with your own children!!…. Or if you’re allowed lunch with your mother!
It’s so crazy that this is even a discussion to be had…. Especially since you’re going over with the children to see MIL later on in the day!!!
Your plans seem perfectly reasonable to me, your husband expecting you to spend ALL DAY with his mum is being very selfish!
Tell him that Christmas 2023 he needs to tell his mum she’s got to see you all and isn’t allowed to do her usual thing that she enjoys because HE wants to spend these occasions with her whether she likes it or not!!!

Br1256 · 13/03/2023 14:16

Since my daughters have had their own children I have never seen them on Mother’s Day. Usually get some flowers and card from one. Pre grandchildren but married I used to have to go out with in laws family…. I think it is because I am on my own and they find it boring just to be with me. Christmas is the same always have to drive to mother in laws about an hour each way. It is upsetting

TheGoogleMum · 13/03/2023 14:41

Not unreasonable.
If it was me I'd be tempted to let DH take the kids mind so I get more peace and quiet haha but if it isn't what you want well it is your day so I think he should let you go to lunch with your mum and kids!

There is a plan for MIL to see the kids later on so she doesn't miss out on grandkids. DH is just being a bit sulky he isn't getting his way I guess? He absolutely should see his own mother if he wants to but you've said he should too so that seems quite reasonable?

StuartBroadshairband · 13/03/2023 17:51

Tessabelle74 · 11/03/2023 19:08

It's not just mother's Day though is it? Women on here in general think that their rights to time with the kids trumps men's time. I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

It is so obnoxious to wish your DIL has a toxic relationship with their own mother, because that's the only circumstance where a woman in her life through nothing more than chance can come close to the woman who birthed her, raised her and has been in her life since day one.

stayathomer · 13/03/2023 18:04

It's not just mother's Day though is it? Women on here in general think that their rights to time with the kids trumps men's time. I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

It is so obnoxious to wish your DIL has a toxic relationship with their own mother, because that's the only circumstance where a woman in her life through nothing more than chance can come close to the woman who birthed her, raised her and has been in her life since day one.

I wouldn’t have read it like that (I could be wrong!)- it sounded to me like she was just saying she hopes that the dil thinks of both as deserving of the same time, treatment etc

Mothership4two · 14/03/2023 06:47

I'm not surprised you are upset @Br1256 that is pretty mean of them but probably thoughtlessness. If my mum lived closer I would take her out for lunch or dinner on Mother's day and split Christmas between them.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2023 14:23

toomuchlaundry · 11/03/2023 17:56

@MangoPi would you be happy to have Mother’s Day by yourself when your DC are older and may have other plans?

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

The OP is happy with the plans
Her DH is happy with the plans
Her DM is happy with the plans
Her MiL is happy with the plans

I am going to assume her children are happy with the plans

The ONLY people not happy with the plans are some of the members of MN who don't seem capable of reading the OP's posts at all properly

Notenoughtime23 · 14/03/2023 18:10

I love the fact people that don’t agree or are mums of boys are considered batshit. I mean I happily see my MIL on Mother’s Day. It’s not because I’m a mum of boys it’s because I like her and she is my mother in law (Mother’s Day and all clue in title) so myself and my husband spend time with both of our mothers. As much as I love my kids they are not old enough to appreciate and let me have a lovely chilled Mother’s Day so if my husband pissed off to his mums and left me with the kids it would be more of a treat for him so that wouldn’t be happening. But glad to see the MN community are as supportive as ever to those with different opinions to theirs. 😂 for those who feel sorry for my future DIL because I would like to see my son and possible future grandkids on Mother’s Day. You don’t need to. I just said I would like to. I’m not going to rip out her heart if it doesn’t happen although I’m not sure if any future DIL will be happy with my son leaving her to the childcare on Mother’s Day. It doesn’t take much to be kind people. Or just not agree but in a nice way and you have the cheek to say it’s our future DIL that need to worry. Jokers 🤣

Tessabelle74 · 14/03/2023 23:30

jemimapuddlepluck · 12/03/2023 10:17

Tell me you're going to be a nightmare MIL with out telling me your going to be a nightmare MIL 😬shiiiit.

Actually I hope I'll be a great MIL, I'll be supportive of my DIL and won't expect any more than she'd want to give but I hope we'll get on and be friends.

Tessabelle74 · 14/03/2023 23:33

StuartBroadshairband · 13/03/2023 17:51

It is so obnoxious to wish your DIL has a toxic relationship with their own mother, because that's the only circumstance where a woman in her life through nothing more than chance can come close to the woman who birthed her, raised her and has been in her life since day one.

Where did you dream that shit up from? I'm hoping that my DIL will see me as a friend and WANT to spend time with me, not that I want to replace her Mum! Don't project your MIL issues onto my comment. Absolute batshittery 🙄

Tessabelle74 · 14/03/2023 23:45

stayathomer · 13/03/2023 18:04

It's not just mother's Day though is it? Women on here in general think that their rights to time with the kids trumps men's time. I hope I end up with DIL that value me as much as their own Mum

It is so obnoxious to wish your DIL has a toxic relationship with their own mother, because that's the only circumstance where a woman in her life through nothing more than chance can come close to the woman who birthed her, raised her and has been in her life since day one.

I wouldn’t have read it like that (I could be wrong!)- it sounded to me like she was just saying she hopes that the dil thinks of both as deserving of the same time, treatment etc

This is exactly what I meant. I hope my DIL will enjoy spending time with me and see me as a friend

Moglet4 · 10/03/2024 10:52

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:18

But the thing is, I am a mum too, in the same way MIL wants to see her children, I would like to spend it with mine. Same as my own mother wants to see her children.

She doesn't miss out on special occasions, partner is being dramatic. We see her on every holiday bar most christmas days, which is entirely her and my partners choice due to wanting to do different things.

Can you elaborate why you think it is selfish to want to spend mothers day with my children?

If your mil is a decent person as you say she is then I’m pretty sure she completely understands. It sounds like your DH may have misled her if she’s cooking the meal though (or are they going out?) You are not being selfish AT ALL. He is. Mother’s Day is for Mothers. He sees his, you see yours and the children see theirs.

Moglet4 · 10/03/2024 10:57

Tessabelle74 · 11/03/2023 19:06

Why would me saying I'm a mum of boys be a dig? I'm saying that her DH's Mum has as much right to see her grandkids on mother's Day as the OP's mother if that's how you spend your day. This pointless one upping as to who deserves time more is exactly why I only spend mother's Day with my kids, not my Mum despite my husband's mum having gone NC years ago

It’s not about spending time with grandchildren/grandmothers. It’s about everyone spending the time with their own mothers so the OP is absolutely right

Moglet4 · 10/03/2024 11:01

bussteward · 11/03/2023 20:18

Have you considered letting MIL adopt your children, OP? Very selfish keeping them as your own, typical DIL me me me behaviour.

What a horrible thing to say. She’s not being in the least bit selfish and what a patronising, sweeping statement about DILs! She is a mother. It is Mother’s Day. Of course the children should be with her. On Father’s Day, they go with the father.

Moglet4 · 10/03/2024 11:03

Lizzt2007 · 10/03/2023 12:15

Have ... you actually read ANYTHING op wrote ..., AT ALL !!!! Ops suggestion is hubby sees his mum, she sees hers, kids see their mum. HE IS SEEING HIS MUM!!!! Perhaps learn to read before commenting.

The post was sarcastic

PuppyMonkey · 10/03/2024 11:09

Blimey it’s not enough to have lots of Mother's Day threads from this year - now we’ve got one from last year too. Grin

purpleme12 · 10/03/2024 11:15

😂

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