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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

796 replies

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:10

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

OP posts:
MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:59

019203847user · 08/03/2023 17:57

Who cares how HE experiences Mother’s Day?! 😅

The clue is in the name.

All mothers involved are seeing their children.

Its not this man’s bloody Day in any shape or form!

@OriginalUsername2 what a pathetic, nasty and childish attitude to life and relationships.

I think if you choose to build a life with someone and have children with them, if you are a kind and decent person, you would care how they experience every day and whether they are happy. Or whether something that obviously matters to him is NEVER an option for him apparently every single year.

It's his mother's day and as I have said already, otherwise he's forced every year to pick his own mother alone or his wife/partner and for his mother or himself to never have the joy of a family lunch on mother's day.

Every year. Never. She won't live for ever. It's shitty behaviour to never compromise in relationships. Unkind and unfair. And usually it comes back to bite you because you are setting up a circle of not compromising ever on something that wouldn't kill you and it creates a pattern.

his mother has chosen to go on a cruise the last 2 Mothers days

OP posts:
stayathomer · 08/03/2023 18:00

I understand all sides but when I’m a mil I’m sure I’d like a day that involves the grandchildren, just because it adds to the fun and chaos! Could you do breakfast with dm/dmil, dinner with the other? Another who hates Mother’s Day and any other day where there’s hype that leaves people excluded or has people doing stuff they don’t mean because of the day that’s in it!!

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 18:00

lipstickwoman · 08/03/2023 17:15

Sounds a bit selfish to me. If he's right and you spend more special occasions with your mum then sadly it's another case of MIL missing out.

Why? Her son can spend the time with her.

Loics · 08/03/2023 18:00

Sparkleshine21 · 08/03/2023 17:53

@Loics but it’s Mother’s Day not grandmothers day 😂😂 so the kids should be with their MOTHER. Jeez it’s not hard

Well one made up holiday is enough for the card companies, I won't line their pockets on grandparents day as well. 😉
I can't see the point in enforcing this every single mother's day, perhaps the kids should be able to choose for themselves. I wouldn't get upset if DP wanted to see his mum and bring the kids for a visit, I'd go too... Plenty time to fit in both mothers.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/03/2023 18:00

WolfFoxHare · 08/03/2023 17:48

He can do that on Father’s Day - which he does, according to OP.

No he can't because the pp goes to soend thst day with her family too

thedogsmum · 08/03/2023 18:00

Your solution seems perfect - you see your mum, he sees his, and the kids go with you for lunch with your mum so they spend the bulk of the day with you.

As many PPs have said, it's mother's day, not grandmother's day, I don't see what grounds your MIL has to complain about not seeing her grandkids and I don't know why you're getting a hard time.

WolfFoxHare · 08/03/2023 18:01

OriginalUsername2 · 08/03/2023 17:52

Who cares how HE experiences Mother’s Day?! 😅

The clue is in the name.

All mothers involved are seeing their children.

Its not this man’s bloody Day in any shape or form!

Quite. Can we not take a day off from centring men even on IWD when talking about Mother’s Day? It’s not about him!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 18:01

YANBU and you can spot the mother's of boys on here a mile off.

Actually, @GenuinelyDone, I said that I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable and I only have a daughter. So I doubt that you can spot them, you just think you can.

PurpleWisteria1 · 08/03/2023 18:01

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:41

his father is dead, he spends the day with his family understandably

You say that but…
my mother is dead (since I was a kid) and when I had children we spent every single year with DH’s mother. It never felt like it was for me and as I didn’t have a mother myself it was just all about MIL at their house. Nothing I would have liked to have done- ever.
For 10 years it was like this. Not anymore. This year I actually get to take my kids out somewhere and spend the day with them where I would like to go- my choice!

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 18:02

maddy68 · 08/03/2023 17:28

I have no idea why all these situations are so complicated. Book a family friendly restaurant. All go out for lunch. All mums included

There may well be other siblings involved

Wiccan · 08/03/2023 18:03

Fucking hell OP run while you still can it's about to get ugly 🤣

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 18:03

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/03/2023 18:00

No he can't because the pp goes to soend thst day with her family too

No...they spend the day with him and his family. I do not join because they visit his Fathers grave, it is something intimate and special for just them, I never met my partners father and unless he specifically asks me to join (he hasn't) I do not invade their time

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 18:03

ScentOfAMemory · 08/03/2023 17:31

They stop being human at all if MN batshittery is anything to go by.

OP wants to see her kids- fine
OP wants to see her Mum- also fine
Her partner wants to see his Mum- not fine
Her partner points out they spend every high day and holiday with her Mum - that's the way it should be obvs. Perhaps the MIL might be allowed to come and wash the dishes or something.

There is nothing stopping him seeing his mum!

Can no-one read and understand text anymore?

DemelzaandRoss · 08/03/2023 18:04

@ScentOfAMemory Hooray! A great post!!
So agree with you!!

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/03/2023 18:04

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch

I think that is a fair suggestion.

wordler · 08/03/2023 18:05

I really wish people with critcisms and 'helpful' suggestions would do the 'select all' on the OPs posts and read them all before replying!

(not just on this post!)

PSNonsense · 08/03/2023 18:05

@ScentOfAMemory how is it not fine for partner to see his mum? The OP has said it's fine.

Can people not read?!

JassyRadlett · 08/03/2023 18:05

DemelzaandRoss · 08/03/2023 18:04

@ScentOfAMemory Hooray! A great post!!
So agree with you!!

Apart from the bits that weren't true though?

crispsandnuts · 08/03/2023 18:06

How about Saturday with one mum and Sunday with another.
It's a commercialised day which forces people together for the sake of it. Me and DM laugh about seeing people dragging out their DMs when they haven't seen each other all year for an overpriced mass produced lunch.
It's just a day, spend it how you like

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 18:06

CwmYoy · 08/03/2023 17:37

You sound very selfish. His mum matters as much as yours and has as much right to see her grandchildren.

IT'S BLOODY MOTHER'S DAY. NOT GRANDMOTHER'S DAY!

And I'm a grandmother. Sometimes I see my DGC, sometimes I don't as there are other GPs out there,

But the DGC stay with their mothers

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 18:06

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/03/2023 18:04

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch

I think that is a fair suggestion.

But it is MOTHERs day, last time i checked neither my partner nor his mother birthed my children.

Crazy how some are saying how unfair it is to his poor mum (who chooses to not be around a lot btw it is the only reason he hasn't seen his mum at recent Christmases or mothers days) but do not see the irony that I should give up my own children on said day.

Makes no sense

OP posts:
PSNonsense · 08/03/2023 18:06

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/03/2023 18:04

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch

I think that is a fair suggestion.

So one of the children doesn't spend Mother's Day with their own mum because their dad can't go to see his mum alone? So the grandparent is being prioritised over the mother, on Mother's Day?

Why?!

GenuinelyDone · 08/03/2023 18:07

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 18:01

YANBU and you can spot the mother's of boys on here a mile off.

Actually, @GenuinelyDone, I said that I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable and I only have a daughter. So I doubt that you can spot them, you just think you can.

If you say so. There's tonnes of classic projection and batshittery on this thread.

I'm honestly amazed that so many mumsnet users want to be so man centred on International Women's Day of all times. Every single one of you should be ashamed!

JassyRadlett · 08/03/2023 18:07

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/03/2023 18:04

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch

I think that is a fair suggestion.

So how do they decide which of OP's kids gets to have Mother's Day lunch with their own mother, and which doesn't?

Anniessong · 08/03/2023 18:08

What are you on about? OP’s partner CAN see his mum. That IS fine. And it’s also fine for OP to see her mum and OP’s children to see their mum. Unfortunately for OP her partner hasn’t considered her at all and what she wants as a mother and a daughter.
OP you are not unreasonable. Your partner is. I hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day

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