To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

@JassyRadlett exactly 😂😂

You wouldn’t get my mother and my mother inlaw in the same room. Not everyone’s families get along.

Goodness no it really isn't

I mostly avoid the Hallmark Holidays myself.

Yes. For me, it's a family day, and I don't really understand the family all splitting off in different directions. And yes, I would happily give up an hour or two of my day to honour the mother of the person who raised the person I have chosen to spend my life with.

I get it, though, maybe you just don't like her.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Read

the

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I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here, OP.

And how does that work with the siblings? Do they bring their MILs too? And those MILs' other kids?

She didn't birth her grandchildren so she can suck it up for a day. Op wants to enjoy her Mother's Day.

We always spent Mother’s Day all together.

Once I went to my mums with kids and dh went to his mums. But dh said his mum felt left out as she missed seeing me and the grandchildren.

nb. We saw them all the same amount of time and made sure everything was equal.

So my mother and MIL were invited to our house for the day.(love to eat out but historically crap for veggies, too noisy with loads of kids, crowded, hated it )

We did the same for Father’s Day.

dh has no siblings, my db and SIL invited but always went to her mums.

MIL do seem to have a tendency to somehow miss out. I don’t know why. I’m sure it’s not intentional. My db never saw our mum on Mother’s Day!

If this was me I’d have everyone together or if you’re up to it see one early and one later in the day - ( that’s a bit too exhausting for me )

Bizarre responses OP on here.
You are being entirely reasonable.
You are the mother you get lunch as you choose with your own mum and your own children.
Your husband has lunch with his mum.
You are even saying kids are free to visit your MIL in afternoon.
Each mother is seeing their children and grandchildren.
You don't usurp all your plans to go to facilitate your Mails lunch.
If your DH wants to make it extra special family outing he picks another date. Zero reason for him to make you feel guilty. Actually quite perplexed at his reasoning and some other posters who all seem to have forgotten it is primarily your day to do as you please. Your not stopping anyone doing anything else.
Time to shrug shoulders and ignore guilt tripping.

Currently feeling quite grateful that my mother's Mother's Day is on a different date so that on the few occasions since I've been a mother that we've been able to spend it together, I haven't had to be consumed with guilt that I wasn't centring other people's mothers appropriately.

I don’t see the problem. It’s mothers day, people see their own mothers. OP going to see her mother with the children she is mother to is perfectly reasonable.

DP going to see his mother is perfectly reasonable. MIL is not OP’s mum and she is not mum to her grandkids either.

MIL doesn’t see them on xmas because DP doesn’t like curry, ofcourse they could see her but DP is choosing not to.

I tend to prioritise my mum and my MIL and try to see both if possible . Happy to have my own mothers day on Saturday as I see the kids every day anyway. I prefer making a fuss of the mums whilst we both still have them.

I'm with your DH. He has a Mum too. I would feel it's selfish to only consider myself year in year out when there's a couple of other Mums in the scenario too!

Yes, so - like on Mother’s Day when OP spends the day with the children and her mum, and he sees his mum, on Father’s Day he spends the day with his family and the children, and she sees her stepfather. What part of this are you not getting?

OP already said they get on just fine. She just wants to spend the day how she likes, isn't that the point of mother's day?? God all the stress for what is sold to us as a day 'for us'. If I ever have a DIL I can't imagine being pissed off with her not wanting to spend mother's day with me. I get you see it as a day for family to be together, but other people celebrate differently and that's not wrong just because it's not your way. OP's MIL gets to see her kids for lunch and get grandkids at some point in the day, what on earth is there to complain about?

Can't you all go for lunch with your mum and then all go for dinner with MIL or other way around?

Brunch with one, dinner with the other?

Does anyone who is as frustrated as me by this post think something like this idea would help the functionality of Mumsnet for threads like this?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4758960-request-for-additional-functionality-op-can-insert-an-update-post-directly-under-the-op-in-their-own-threads

I'm clearly in a minority here. I accept that. Most people think you are being reasonable, OP, so I presume that you're fine to stick to your guns.

I'm heartily grateful, though, that my family doesn't think like most people on here do!!

The issue as far as I can see it is DP doesn’t actually want to see his mum without OP and kids tagging along. OP isn’t forcing him to go with her. OP is clearly happy for her DP to go see his own actual mum.

My mum would not want to spend time with my MIL. We've done it over the years but they are totally different and my mum hates it.

My mothers day will look like this
Husband go to see his mum in the morning
My mum will then come over to us in afternoon and spend it with us

It's Mother's day, you're a mother, therefore you get to do whatever you want to do. Regardless, even if it wasn't mother's day, he doesn't get to insist you to spend time with his mum if you don't want to. She's HIS mother, not yours.

So her need to see her grandchildren trumps the children spending time with their mother on Mother's Day?!

Ahh this is true! I bet the children would also prefer to be with their mum and other grandma on Mother's Day. This thread is nuts, can only assume there's lots of MILs chiming in.

But MIL has five children! So do all her children and all OPs siblings & her parents, plus their partners, and all the partners of MIL’s children and their mums and their other children and their partners spend the day together? You have to draw the line somewhere! Ultimately, it’s not about whether MIL wants to see her grandchildren or whether DP wants her to see them. OP wants to see her mother and her children on Mother’s Day!

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves “I get it, though, maybe you just don't like her.”

Oh bless you! OP has said numerous times that she actually gets on with her MiL. But I’m wondering where your comment is coming from. Are you a MIL who feels like your DIL’s mum gets too much attention?