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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 08/03/2023 13:57

Personally OP, I agree it's a bit mean of your parents not to help you out in these circumstances. Sorry you're having a tough time.

Dotcheck · 08/03/2023 13:57

Yes, in an ideal world, they should help you. They likely don’t want their life turned upside down , and to revolve around a toddlers timetable ( which it naturally would). Perhaps they know they aren’t up for that sort of upheaval.
It is shit, and they were grasping for excuses, but try not to take it personally.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/03/2023 14:00

Dotcheck · 08/03/2023 13:57

Yes, in an ideal world, they should help you. They likely don’t want their life turned upside down , and to revolve around a toddlers timetable ( which it naturally would). Perhaps they know they aren’t up for that sort of upheaval.
It is shit, and they were grasping for excuses, but try not to take it personally.

This

Im so it's so shit for you right now OP Flowers

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/03/2023 14:01

Sorry kind of agree with that and actually go as far as to say I'd find it incredibly hard not to be upset
These circumstances are (hopefully) a one off and it's times like these family should pull together.

Heronwatcher · 08/03/2023 14:01

I can see why you’re upset but maybe they think that if you lived together it would sour the relationship? It sounds like they are just not happy to share the house with you but that won’t stop them supporting you in other ways. TBH at that age I think I might find it difficult. If you’ve sold your house won’t you be able to use a bit of the proceeds for rent if necessary? Plus it might actually be more difficult for your toddler to move in with them, then in with you when you do buy somewhere- possibly better just to start as you mean to go on.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

Tinkerbyebye · 08/03/2023 14:02

I think it’s very mean of your parents, most would want to help their child when going through something like this

they are silly excuses being given, but now you know how they feel I would be looking to find somewhere else, and to be honest when they want help over something they wont be getting it from me

and if not seeing your parents helps reduce disruption to your child whilst you find somewhere then that’s tough on them as well.

in my opinion children are for life

Justforlaffs · 08/03/2023 14:04

Tinkerbyebye · 08/03/2023 14:02

I think it’s very mean of your parents, most would want to help their child when going through something like this

they are silly excuses being given, but now you know how they feel I would be looking to find somewhere else, and to be honest when they want help over something they wont be getting it from me

and if not seeing your parents helps reduce disruption to your child whilst you find somewhere then that’s tough on them as well.

in my opinion children are for life

This. Remember how they didn't throw you a lifeline when you were at your lowest when they are older and need you to run around after them.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 08/03/2023 14:05

I'd always do it for my kids but I do get why people wouldn't. It's a big change in their life and a lot more going on in their home whether you're out most the day or not, especially with a toddler.

I know renting is technically a 'waste of money' but that is also an option, you would just rather not do it.

NotSorry · 08/03/2023 14:06

My adult children are welcome to move back anytime - I’d be upset too @Nicecuppaplease

BellaJuno · 08/03/2023 14:06

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

This for me, I’m pretty sure my parents wouldn’t want me moving back in but I wouldn’t take it personally. Is there any reason to think you won’t be able to move straight into your new permanent home?

Intergalacticcatharsis · 08/03/2023 14:06

Yes, most loving parents would help.

When their time comes and they need help and care, remember that they were not there for you in your time of need.

h0rsewithn0name · 08/03/2023 14:07

I have three adult children, and would have any of them with their children in a heartbeat. In fact I have. To be honest, I was kind of flattered that they wanted to come back home.

BibbleandSqwauk · 08/03/2023 14:07

My parents are epic and go way beyond what is often seen as a reasonable level of support on here, so I'm biased, but yes I do think it's a shame. Are they retired, quite set in their ways? Would they support you financially a little instead? Or have your DS so you can house hunt? I'm sorry op, I was in a similar situation regarding an unwanted separation. Years on now and it's fine though. You can do this. Take it one step at a time.

Preparepepper · 08/03/2023 14:08

Hopefully they'll remember the term "you reap what you sow" for when they're elderly and need further support and care

@Nicecuppaplease I am so sorry this has happened to you. You're at your lowest and need support x

Supersimkin2 · 08/03/2023 14:09

I’d be hurt. Any other relations who could help? Ask them (and tell
them why).

cstaff · 08/03/2023 14:11

I would be very upset if this was me OP. My folks took my brother in for about 3 months after his separation. He hadn't lived home in about 5 years so there were definitely some differences of opinion because both my folks and my bro had all gotten used to doing their own thing their way but there was no way they would have refused.

When he moved back out there was relief on all sides but still they could not have turned him down when he needed them.

Workawayxx · 08/03/2023 14:15

I'd be really upset about this too OP. Clutching at straws, is there another reason for their response, like they have separate bedrooms now and they'd rather not discuss with you and know it'd be an issue as you and your DC would ideally have a room each? Or are they worried it'd be harder to move out once you've moved in?

Hiphopopotamus · 08/03/2023 14:16

I’m 35 with two kids and I know my parents would let me move back in a heartbeat if I needed it. It might not be their ideal scenario (or mine!) but if I needed the help I know they wouldn’t hesitate. I’m sure lots of posters will be on to tell you that you’re an adult and your parents have no obligation to let you move in. While that is technically true I’d be very hurt in your position right now and I would seriously be questioning if the relationship I thought I had with my parents was all I had imagined.

Zipps · 08/03/2023 14:16

I don't think they are being mean. Unless it was a fixed period for eg you were buying a new build it could go on for years. Tbh moving in with them is going to be an upheaval just as much as renting will be. Obviously the best solution and the only one other people have is to buy and sell at the same time. The fact that you don't want to waste money on rent means that you are using them really. What if you end up staying for years because you get priced out or to save more?
It's easier to say no now and then support you from afar, while keeping your relationship in tact. I love having gc round and staying over but no way to them moving in indefinitely. You are asking for too much.

Hillarious · 08/03/2023 14:16

I'd do it for my adult children. It would be hard after having none of them at home for a while, but I'd ensure they understood any concerns I have, and ask about theirs. Perhaps we'd make bringing plates down from the bedroom the first house rule! My neighbour has recently had her daughter and her family move back into her four bed house with her for a few months, and it was all rather hellish in the end.

Certainly, I wouldn't be saying no.

hattie43 · 08/03/2023 14:16

They are probably set in their ways and don't want upheaval. They may also be concerned it won't be a temporary arrangement . It's a bit mean but at least they are saying upfront rather than relationships disintegrate once you are there

Floralnomad · 08/03/2023 14:16

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

I personally think this is rubbish , I’d be only too willing to have my adult offspring back and we lived with my mum for about a year when we were in between houses and our eldest was about 18 months . It’s not as if you will be there forever .

BreviloquentBastard · 08/03/2023 14:17

Being completely honest, I wouldn't be delighted to have a toddler living with me again, but I would never dream of turning my daughter away if she really needed me. I do think your parents are being really mean when you're obviously struggling.

MintJulia · 08/03/2023 14:18

Living with a toddler is not something most people would embrace unless their own. And a small 3 bed house presumably only has one living room so I can see it not working.
You don't say how old they are, retired? Working? In good health? Do they sleep in separate rooms?

It would be nice if they helped but I can see why they don't want to.

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