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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 15:13

It’s better they’ve said an outright no now as the OP can try and plan things to minimise moves and/or expenditure.
I think it would have been worse if the said yes and changed their mind. Or she had moved in and then been one of the many posters who write about how hard it is living back with their parents now they have a DC.
I think doubling the number of people living in a house is a big deal.

cptartapp · 08/03/2023 15:14

My DM took me, DH and our three year old and four month old in for several weeks whilst we waited for our new house to be ready. And she was the least maternal person I know!
I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to forget this as they age and would think far less of them.

Doggydooda · 08/03/2023 15:19

BreviloquentBastard · 08/03/2023 14:17

Being completely honest, I wouldn't be delighted to have a toddler living with me again, but I would never dream of turning my daughter away if she really needed me. I do think your parents are being really mean when you're obviously struggling.

This 100%. My daughter had to move back with us between rentals and it was absolutely the right thing to do . I would be lying though if I didn’t say it was tiring having a toddler at home but I think your parents are sooo unsupportive!
My other two adult children have also come home for various reasons for a few months at a time and have never resented them here apart from the extra mess it’s their home as well !

Jaxhog · 08/03/2023 15:19

Can't help wondering if there's a bit of backstory here.

Companyofwolves · 08/03/2023 15:20

@Guis23 no I get that for the OP this is about much more than just financial support & that she needs her parents & the emotional/practical support for her & her young child while she goes through this separation:house sale etc. But I wonder if they assume that because she can afford it that she doesn’t “need” to stay. If they knew it was partly driven out financial need it may change their view. But it’s still a shame either way as you would hope they would be there for her regardless & that she could come home if ever in need.

Partyandbullshit · 08/03/2023 15:21

I'd be upset too....but I also wouldn't ever ask this of my parents with a toddler in tow. It's a lot to ask. My parents are allowed to enjoy their lives and not be restricted or affected by children and grandchildren anymore, and frankly your reasons for wanting to move in (not wasting money on rent) aren't good enough. You're an adult, a parent. You make your bed and you lie in it. I understand if parents of adult children draw a line after a while.

pizzaHeart · 08/03/2023 15:21

Yes, most loving parents would help. When their time comes and they need help and care, remember that they were not there for you in your time of need.
this^ you asked them to help you…They basically said to you that you couldn’t count on them. It must be very painful. 3 bedrooms is not a castle but not a shed either.
I would remember this.

Zhougzhoug · 08/03/2023 15:22

Sorry you're going through this.

My parents are divorced and I know my mum would let me do this (my stepdad might not be keen but I think he'd get over-ruled)...and tbh I have aunties who I only see once a year at Christmas who would probably let me! However, I don't even have a particularly bad relationship with my dad but I would not dream of asking him, and would not expect a yes if I did.

You and your toddler will be fine. All they need is hugs from you. When my parents got divorced we moved in with my mum's best mate and her kids for 3 months. All was well. Good luck.

LittlePinkPill · 08/03/2023 15:23

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 15:13

It’s better they’ve said an outright no now as the OP can try and plan things to minimise moves and/or expenditure.
I think it would have been worse if the said yes and changed their mind. Or she had moved in and then been one of the many posters who write about how hard it is living back with their parents now they have a DC.
I think doubling the number of people living in a house is a big deal.

I agree.

My sibling is currently going through a split, she & DS have been at DM’s now for months, DM is at breaking point. I fear their relationship will never recover.

strivingtosucceed · 08/03/2023 15:23

While I think it's a shame your parents aren't willing to house you, I do wonder if you understand the scale of what you're asking them to do.

If you were purely asking them to stay for a definite time period eg 1-3 months and you were planning to rent after, I doubt they'd be unwilling to help. But you're asking them to let you stay from an undefined period of time in the future to another undefined period of time in the future. It took 12+ months for me to find a property and another 6 months to complete the purchase afterwards. And i'm a single person that doesn't have to think of proximity to work or schools because i'm remote & childless.

They may also be worried about becoming default for childcare if they do allow you to stay and are using silly excuses to cover that off. Either way, you can try and ask again and bring more concrete plans to them.

PonkyPonky · 08/03/2023 15:24

I know for sure that my mum would do the same as yours and it hurts but it is what it is. You won’t be able to change their minds so try and draw a line under it and come up with a plan that doesn’t involve them. You’ll remember this when it’s their turn to ask you for help

Twiglets1 · 08/03/2023 15:26

Your parents are being dicks - of course they should support you at this extremely difficult time

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 08/03/2023 15:26

FrownedUpon · 08/03/2023 14:41

Having a toddler in the house is chaotic. They don’t want it, so have been honest with you. Most people don’t really want their adult children back home.

Yes it might well be chaotic at times. No i wouldn’t be my ideal. But there’s no way I’d turn my back on my “ devastated and heartbroken “ daughter and grandchild.

And I’m the least “ maternal “ mum on Mumsnet.

hbbyno2 · 08/03/2023 15:26

Intergalacticcatharsis · 08/03/2023 14:06

Yes, most loving parents would help.

When their time comes and they need help and care, remember that they were not there for you in your time of need.

Agree

Doggydooda · 08/03/2023 15:29

Also apart from your parents being so bloody unkind and unsupportive,do they have any idea how hard it is to get rental property?!!

MeridianB · 08/03/2023 15:30

I think it's a shame they can't help and understand why you are unhappy about it. It sounds like it would give emotional stability as well as a practical solution.

But I don't believe the reason they have given you. I suspect it's something else. Perhaps they can't cope living with a toddler or don't want to take sides.

Blueberrywitch · 08/03/2023 15:32

It is very mean of them and parents should be there to support in situations exactly like this. However try to see the silver lining, now you will be 100% guilt free to not have them move in with you or to be their carers when they are elderly.

80sMum · 08/03/2023 15:35

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

This!!

Thisisformathilda · 08/03/2023 15:35

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 14:47

The fact DH is going to move in with his parents is not the same. You have a child with you. This is very different to asking if they can look after child for a short time. They may well imagine you there for a long time.
Children for grandparents can be very wearing indeed. They will be worn out. The older they are the more they will feel it. You do need to try and see things from their perspective as much as from your own.
Life is hard at the moment and you will need to find your feet and a new place to live. If this is scary then ask for their help to do so.

Absolutely this. Different if you were moving back in by yourself as your ex is doing but no matter how much your parents adore your child their lives will be turned upside down with the arrival of a toddler to live.

I understand you want to save rent etc but it is a huge ask especially as there is no date in sight for you to move out. Could be 6 months or could be 6 years. Having a child in the house will affect every facet of their lives. Maybe they are just not able for that. I would struggle with that myself.

butterfliedtwo · 08/03/2023 15:36

CovertImage · 08/03/2023 14:44

For fuck's sake! They were possibly "there" for her from 0 years to - what - 18? 22?

I love this popular MN idea of stick it to parents when they're proper old, unless they do exactly what you want NOW. Pathetic

Show quote history

It really is.

I understand you're upset, but I also understand that they don't want the upheaval of living with a toddler, especially for an unspecified period of time.

freckles20 · 08/03/2023 15:38

My DC are teens but I can't imagine ever saying no to helping them in this way OP.

I'm am so sorry that they aren't willing to do this for you.

I appreciate that it would be disruptive for them, and not ideal for a number of reasons but I really can't understand why a parent who loves their child would act in this way.

My gut feeling is that there's more to this than they are letting on.

MagpiePi · 08/03/2023 15:38

I am really shocked at the people saying ‘don’t forget this if they ask for help in later life’ but anyway…
I can understand their reluctance.
Maybe they think that you won’t put much effort into finding a house to buy, and they are concerned the stay will be prolonged with no real end in sight. (I have a friend in this exact situation with her sister)
You might think that they won’t be disrupted or have to do any child caring, but they are not going to ignore their grandchild and not offer to help and perhaps they are concerned you will gradually expect them to take on more than they are happy with. One isolated pick up from nursery turns into a weekly event, and then it becomes a couple of times a week, with making tea and getting ready for bed thrown in.
You say they have a big enough house, but perhaps they use their spare bedrooms for hobbies (orgies!!) or having friends to stay and don’t want to give up their space and activities.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 15:38

I can’t lie. If my husband left me and my toddler, and I had to sell my home, and my parents said I couldn’t stay with them in my time if need for a bit for a minor indiscretion over a dirty plate 15 years before, I’d struggle to look past that.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/03/2023 15:38

OP, I think you are jumping the gun here a little bit. You asked them to move in for an unspecified time time without even knowing what your situation is. A lot of people buy, sell, and move at the same time. What makes you think you can’t do the same?

I think part of the problem is you are asking for emotional support from them by asking for physical support (moving in) and you are seeing their refusal for physical support as another emotional rejection.

EmmaDilemma5 · 08/03/2023 15:39

I can't speak for other families, but I know my parents would definitely let me and my kids stay with them in this situation, although maybe with a time limit as I have three children so it would be chaotic for them.

I wonder if they're worried it may be open ended and it would be tricky to tell you to leave once you've arrived.

I mean, realistically, chains can last up to a year complete sometimes. That probably would be too much for many grandparents.

YANBU to expect them to allow you to stay, as long as you are truly prepared to leave after a set time, home purchase complete or not.

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