To think my parents should help me out with this?

[Nicecuppaplease]

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

It sounds like the house is too small.

It's one thing having an adult child back for say three months. But having an adult child plus toddler is a very different scenario.

Though their comments about the plates is a bit silly!

I wouldn't turn my son away if he really needed somewhere to stay. But you don't need, you just want. Not the same. Of course, that want may change to a need with today's rental market if you can't find anywhere to rent while you look for somewhere to buy.

Neither would I, but the OP isn't desperate, she clearly has financial means if she can buy her own house.

I can see how you might find this hurtful but I think you under estimate how much of an imposition this will be. This isn't about how much they love you, it's them balancing the cost to them against the cost to you.
Let's go for say a period of 3months. You're essentially taking away their home (ie their safe place to relax) for 100 days. That's a long time. You're not asking them to do this because you've had a breakdown or are homeless, you're asking them to do it because you don't want to pay rent. Let's say you'll spend 3k in rent over 100 days. That's £30/day. Your parents probably think it's worth some minor inconvenience to have you for a week to save you £210. Maybe 2+ weeks to save you £500. Each day after that becomes much more 'expensive' in terms of imposition. You can't simple compare yourself to them. When did they last have any overnight guests? When have they had a small child for a weekend. Just because it's you it doesn't make it different for them.
Is there a compromise. Could you ask your parents to allow you to store some of your belongings in their home. Could you stay in a teavelodge for a month and have evening meal or weekends with them. It's also quite probable they don't realise how much accomodation costs. Maybe they will agree to lend you the first month's rent and deposit until you're square.

To everyone who says it's outrageous of the parents not to help, op hasn't said how old they are or whether they have any health conditions.

Realistically the parents could be anywhere between early 40's to late 70's with either perfect or fading health

As with a lot of these situations it'd be interesting to hear the other side🤷

Nah ah. Childrearing is not some benevolent act that absolves you from a mature ongoing mutually supportive relationship with your kids. We don't have kids and raise them for their sake. We do it because we wanted kids. Parental responsibility does not end at 18.

Well I would say being totally responsible for your grown child does end at 18, but love for family and wanting to help your grown children and grandchildren when in difficultly is completely normal and the response most people would have if they were able.

Its only if the relationship has irretrievably broken down for a serious reason that this may not come into play, even then grandparents may try and help grandchildren if they couldn’t realistically help a grown child (due to addictions they refused to treat etc.).

All these posters saying "a toddler is hard work etc" .... this isn't any old toddler, it's their grandchild!!

I can't imagine saying no to my DDs in a situation like this. Mine haven't properly gone yet, one still at home and one at uni, but they'll always be a bed for them when they need it.

Oh OP
I do feel for you. Of course you wanted to believe you could rely on your parents in your time of need - thats completely reasonable.

The fact your parents wouldn't let you move in temporarily while your trying to sort out a new home for you and your daughter is wrong. Although I am not the recipient of supportive parents I promised myself that my child would ALWAYS be able to come home whenever they needed. Family helps in time of need.

They have now set the tone of your relationship. I would never be able to trust or rely on them again. I would also feel absolved of responsibility for them in the future.

A few posters have commented on the fact they raised you for the first 18 years. No child owes their parents anything for being born. They chose to have you and raise you - not looking after your children is a crime! You do not need to feel indebted to them.

If you choose to have children then it’s for life not just for 18 years and you get a medal and say no to any help

Maybe it is my upbringing. My family were immigrants and the one thing that none of us could ever understand was the way British families operate.

In my family with adult dc we individually have our own bank accounts and our own money and businesses etc but if there is a way that we can help another family member out and save the other person money then we will do so.

This idea of an adult child probably wasting £12,000 when the parents could put themselves out for a couple of months whilst adult child gets themselves sorted is just ludicrous.

We look at money we individually have as family money.

Maybe because of my families history of pooling our money to get our first house and out of the slum estate where the council put us

My dd has one business that involves her being at home each day. Sometimes because she also runs another business that takes her away for a couple of days at a time myself or Ds will take over and keep that business running.

Equally Ds and dd will help me out if I need something and the same for ds

Dd speaking to friends she says they are amazed how much help she gets and gives to us all.
The response is that no other parent would do what I do. But there again no other friends would do what dd and Ds do for their parents
It is all so disjointed and separate

They should want to help, but frankly it sounds as though it would be painful if you stayed with them. If they're that fussy about plates being brought downstairs, they're not going to cope with adapting to a toddler's routine or them not following 'the rules'.

A few posters have commented on the fact they raised you for the first 18 years. No child owes their parents anything for being born. They chose to have you and raise you - not looking after your children is a crime! You do not need to feel indebted to them

My mother kept a ledger of how much I had cost her from clothes and petrol money getting me to school to how many rounds of toast I ate at breakfast and costed out from the amount a loaf of bread was and how many slices there were in it and how much a portion of spaghetti was that I ate.

I can completely understand why you're upset.

I don't know how old your parents are but cognitive decline (the ordinary kind we'll all experience to some extent, not dementia) can cause more narrow and rigid thinking. This can lead to situations where older people really can't cope well with change and their worries about change can seem completely disproportionate to us younger people with our more flexible brains. It's quite possible that they've panicked at the idea of the changes that will be involved in you coming to stay and have failed to see that in the context of what's happening in your life (yes, it's a big ask but that's because you're experiencing some big stuff).

All of which makes it hard to judge their decisions by the standard of the decisions we think we would make. Yes, 2023 me is horrified because 2023 can't imagine ever saying no to a request like this, but it doesn't follow that 2063 me will be capable of thinking in the same way. (This is actually something I really worry about- getting older and losing my ability to think as flexibly and empathically as I do now. I don't want to be a nasty old woman.)

I don't know whether that helps at all in terms of understanding how they've come to this decision. I can really see how hurtful it is for you and hope you can find a way through.

My mother kept a ledger of how much I had cost her from clothes and petrol money getting me to school to how many rounds of toast I ate at breakfast and costed out from the amount a loaf of bread was and how many slices there were in it and how much a portion of spaghetti was that I ate

😲that’s appalling!

As others have ad, its not an emergency ,You dont NEED help you just want to inconvnience them to improve your ok financial position

If when my children are older they want to move home, I’ll welcome them with open arms. My dad actually said to me a few months back there is always space for me at home- with kids. I’d also take my parents into my home in a heartbeat.

Im so sorry you’re experiencing this. When you look back at it in a few years, be incredibly proud that you did this all by yourself. Your child has got a good mother with you.

This is not normal, it's incredibly cruel. I hope you realise that this is entirely your Mothers insane attitudes and no reflection on you. Children are an active choice- a joy! I will always want to help my children any way I can...uni fees, house deposit - whatever they need. The cost of raising them is what i signed up for when i chose to have them!

Thank you again everyone for the input.
As some have mentioned, I perhaps don’t desperately NEED their help, as in I would find a way to cope without it, I wouldn’t be on the streets for example, and to be honest if it were just me on my own I probably wouldn’t even ask but when I have my DC to think about as well I can’t help but think of how I could use potentially thousands in rent to help us make a better home and make life a bit easier for us, and as a mother I would certainly help my DC in that situation.

This is possibly the lowest point in OPs life. Her relationship has broken down and she is selling her family home. Sounds like she needs all the love and support she can get. OP is being really sensible in not wanting to waste her resources on rent and getting tied into a lease when all she needs is a few months while the conveyancing goes through.

There is no legal responsibility to house her by her parents and they may well consider her an 'inconvenience'. Thats their right. In my view loving family relationships should be based on a bit more than 'rights'. I can't imagine any loving family turning away their child in these circumstances.

OP wondered is she was being unreasonable by being upset that she was turned away - the answer is absolutely not. I imagine her faith in her parents has shattered. This would fundamentally alter my perception of my family.

@Poppy297 well said.

Technically you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone I guess. But yeah I would have thought your parents would help out here, even if reluctantly. I gues you know where you stand and you can reciprocate that attitude if ever they need- not feeling a sense of duty to them either x

My parents would have always had me back.
I'd have my children in their 30s back even though they left their plates upstairs when they were living with me. I know they don't anymore anyway. In a situation like this I'd want to help save them money and support them too

It's not possible for anyone to say whether it's reasonable for your parents to help. What is the situation with your dc in terms of custody, maintenance etc? Are you able to agree on this, would your ex help out financially whilst you're house hunting?

When I had my children my rule book on how to raise my children was to think of what my mother would have done then do the opposite.

The thing is that if I was in op’s position my mother would have welcomed me back with open arms then tell me how much I needed to pay her each week for rent and share of fuel bills and council tax etc and in the end it would be cheaper to go into rented for 6 months than to pay her.
I think I am in the minority who found it so much cheaper renting on my own than living at home.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time

The thing is, you're asking them to commit for an unspecified amount of time. Of course my instinct is to say that I'd take in my own DD and her kids of needed. And I'm sure I would. Absolutely 100% in an emergency. But at my age and in a three bed house, I know that it wouldn't be easy.for any of us if it was for more than a month or two, even though DD and I have a good relationship and I dote on my DGCs. It'd be really tiring, even assuming that we never had any differences of opinion re the children etc.

It could get pretty awkward all round if it went to three, four, five, six months.

I don't know. It's not an emergency and you're asking them to make an unknown commitment. Don't underestimate the effect on their lives of moving you, the kids (and presumably loads of your stuff) into their home for an unspecified amount of time. It's not like taking ones kids back after uni.