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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
Womblemumma · 08/03/2023 16:07

They don’t want you and your ds in their home, and they are making excuses. They probably like their routine and don’t want to change things. I would remind them that one day they may need to come and live with you and you would have to adapt your home and routine to care for them, as most family help out family if they can. I accept they have their own lives to lead, but this is temporary and you are in need of their help. I think this is really mean of them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/03/2023 16:07

I do think its shit and I would be upset. Is it worth taking to them about how you're feeling?

On the other hand my sibling had to move back in with my parents in similar circumstances and I think all parties struggling- my sibling felt they were interfering and treating them like a child and my parents thought that the sibling took advantage and they ended up being woken up with the kids all the time and absolutely knackered and were the default childcare when sibling was busy etc

zingally · 08/03/2023 16:07

It is a bit mean of your parents not to help you out. But I can understand their (unspoken view) that their toddler years are long gone, and they don't have the rose-tinted glasses on of how lovely it was having you at home in years past.

The plates excuse is bollocks of course. They simply don't want their lives taken over by two other people, who are (reasonably!) very upset and unsettled.

DowntownRegret1 · 08/03/2023 16:07

I think for whatever reason, they find it hard to say 'no' to you. I don't know why that is, maybe a bad prior experience or personality types? But instead of just being honest and saying 'no, we won't want to live with a toddler/share our home' they're coming up with an excuse about how it wouldn't work because of something something about when you were a teenager. Try not to take it personally, they're probably just a bit conflict avoidant. Ideally you'd have not asked as it's a bit cheeky, better to make your own plans and if people want to and can help they will.

But YABU. Having someone move in with you is a massive, massive thing, especially involving small kids. My mum isn't around anymore but I know there's just absolutely zero way my dad would agree to this and we have a wonderful relationship. The time comes when you're an adult and have to stand on your own two feet, especially when you're responsible for a child too. I know it sucks paying rent but that's life, needs must. Good luck.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 16:09

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

It's not ideal but you do what you can (have done it more than once - as the parent!)

bellswithwhistles · 08/03/2023 16:09

I'll be in the minority, but I think YABU.

It's not a small ask. You're a grown adult. You have a job. I personally wouldn't even think to ask, I'd be proud to sort myself out.

Obviously if my house went on fire I'm sure my parents would rather I moved in than went into a hostel, but in this situation you have plenty of time to sort something for yourself and your children without implicating your parents. They've done their parenting!

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 16:09

I know mine would let us stay in a second, however I do wonder if they just feel it would be too much for them. Perhaps they are used to a quiet life and feel they would be overwhelmed with a toddler (or it could result in arguments with you). I know you are feeling at your lowest and just needed them to be kind, but maybe they are thinking about the practical side. Its going to be alot different living there to just happily visiting for the day. I know many grandparents feel exhausted after one day of childcare.

Youdoyoubabe · 08/03/2023 16:11

Yeah that is really tough. Blimey.

You could try announcing that in that case you are moving to the other side of the country and taking grandbaby with you, that might switch them into action.

They are worried that you will never leave and they will be free childcare. Which they probably woudl be at times. But heck in what culture do family not help out with bringing up extended family kids.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/03/2023 16:13

I think Yanbu to be upset but that they are also not bring unreasonable to know their boundaries and say no, sorry you are having a tough time op.

Is there any other way they could support you through this transition?

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/03/2023 16:13

Yeah that's shit. My dad was far from a perfect father, husband or human being but, had I ever needed one, I knew I'd always have had a home with him. Would he have enjoyed living with me and my children ? No, absolutely not. But he would have opened his door in a flash.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 08/03/2023 16:13

I agree with your parents I wouldn't want this either. I also Don't really understand why you need this people move house all the time and aren't homeless in between

Slushynana · 08/03/2023 16:14

Our son came back to live with us when he split with his partner and we had our grand daughter every weekend, he stayed for 2 years, and yes I was getting a bit fed up by the end of it but realised he needed to save to try to buy a place of his own. I am a parent for life and if I can help my boys I will, neither of them take advantage of us though. They would both still be welcome in our home any time and the eldest is nearly 50 now.

ZiriForEver · 08/03/2023 16:15

I find a bit strange calling fulltime living for unlimited time "helping out". It is a massive ask.

They can still be ready to help if it means staying with them for two weeks between leaving one home and getting another one ready or babysitting on the moving days.

artimesiasfootsteps · 08/03/2023 16:18

My mother is tight with money and an ice queen, but she would welcome in her kith and kin into her home in an instant.

Children are for life and surely at this time, you would weather inconvenience to home your child and your grandchild. I would be remembering this when they are elderly and would not be lifting a finger for them.

Keeween · 08/03/2023 16:21

That’s really shit, how upsetting for you. I’d be gutted if my mother took that attitude to me asking for a potential temporary situation.

Topseyt123 · 08/03/2023 16:24

I had parents who would have been capable of doing this. In fact, on one of the very few times I actually ever did need to ask them for help with childcare (so that I could go to DH's Dad's funeral without baby and three year old in tow) they refused. I know that isn't really the same thing, but I am also 100% sure that they would have refused to let me and child/children move in with them if I had been in your situation. I know it would have hurt me like hell, and I do like to think that they would have capitulated once they actually saw the results of their refusal. After all, it is only likely to be for a fairly short span of time, until you have something more suitable sorted out.

So, you do have my sympathy. I would be very tempted to tell them how hurt you feel, and that it feels like yet another rejection on top of the one you have recently had. Would it help if you could put some sort of a time limit on it? Not a definitive one at first, but say that you will definitely be house hunting, and will review with them regularly throughout the process. Perhaps they might be more forthcoming if they see that you are actively working towards solving your housing situation?

I still think that this is cold hearted and shitty of them though. I would not refuse to help my own adult daughters (and any children they might have) in an hour of such need. I already do always tell them that there is a place for them here with us if it should be needed and we can physically provide it (we can, and it sounds as though your parents can too).

FrodisCapering · 08/03/2023 16:27

There's no way my parents would let me move back either, even if I was leaving because of domestic abuse.

I really feel for you. It's totally shit. Whatever the upheaval to their lives might be, you are family and they should help. I totally agree that it is pointless to chuck money away on rent if you can avoid it.

Two things to take away from this:

  1. Do things differently with your own kids
  2. Remember that you don't owe them any help in the future.

I hope you get everything sorted 💐

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/03/2023 16:27

Youdoyoubabe · 08/03/2023 16:11

Yeah that is really tough. Blimey.

You could try announcing that in that case you are moving to the other side of the country and taking grandbaby with you, that might switch them into action.

They are worried that you will never leave and they will be free childcare. Which they probably woudl be at times. But heck in what culture do family not help out with bringing up extended family kids.

Emotional blackmail is always the bedrock of a healthy relationship…

Are you for real with this suggestion?

FrodisCapering · 08/03/2023 16:30

@Topseyt123 it sounds like our parents have read the same playbook. I also needed help with childcare to go to a former partner's mother's funeral (nothing dodgy, we split years ago and are friends).
My mum's response was "how well did you know her? There's no need for you to be there. I am not babysitting."
So cold.

Aweebitpainful · 08/03/2023 16:31

I think that’s pretty shitty of them OP. I’m going through the same thing and the first thing my parent did was offer for me to move back home. They can’t wait apparently. I’m so sorry they are being shit :(

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 16:36

I can’t imagine me not ever doing things like this for my child.

Yes it will be a big change for them but it’s only temporary and they know how much it would help you out.
If they dote on DD so much then I thought they’d jump at the chance.

Are there other issues here like do they wfh and DD doesn’t go to nursery/school so they think it might impact their work?

Do they think by doing this they are helping you give up on your marriage?
I know some posters on here have said similar before.

I can’t see why they wouldn’t unless they had a genuine reason.

beAsensible1 · 08/03/2023 16:37

GenuinelyDone · 08/03/2023 14:53

As much as the disruption would be really bad for my mother and it'd be a tight squeeze I know that she'd let me and the children stay with her as a temporary measure or to stop us being homeless.

However, despite having 4 spare bedrooms MIL wouldn't consider homing my husband if he needed it.

I do judge parents who have the means to help their children and don't (I'm not talking about abusive offspring, just ordinary ones). Your parents have made a bold statement by rejecting you. They are also rejecting your reciprocal support in the future.

Best of luck with everything Flowers

what's the point of the four bedrooms then!

CrystalCoco · 08/03/2023 16:40

When I went through a very very tough break up years ago, my Mum practically begged me to move back home. She just wanted to care for me and get me back on my feet (and I was probably not the best teenager to have had in the house in my younger years)

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it would have just put your mind at rest to know you had your parent's home as a safety net / just in case after the sale of your house. 💐

Refrosty · 08/03/2023 16:41

YANBU. How awful! That is very shit of them, I'm sorry.

Growing up, I witnessed aunts/uncles/dad/mum have relationship breakdowns and they were welcomed back home without issue ... Except for My mum. My mum had a mother who was a respected woman. My grandmother refused to accommodate us when we actually became homeless. We ended up in shared accommodation, and I do remember my mum crying everyday but trying hard to get us out of there. Eventually, my paternal grandmother offered to take us all in (my mum sent us there alone while she tried to sort out a flat, which she was able to do in 3ish months). I admire my mum's strength but have always been extremely grateful to my paternal grandmother for being so welcoming. I grew up to be very close to her, she's my favourite person.

Guess what, my mum ended up getting a distressed call from her mother about how lonely she was, and how she'd like to get to know her grandkids. My mum did bite her lip and sent us to spend time with her (by now my grandmother absolutely doted on us and encouraged sleepovers etc). But my mum never forgave her for turning us away when we found ourselves homeless. She'd drop us off and never came into my grandmother's house.

CallMeMabel · 08/03/2023 16:41

I think they're really cold and selfish, and I'd find that pretty unforgivable. I can't imagine ever refusing to let my DD back regardless of the circumstances. Same for DSDs, there's always a home here if they need it.