Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 08/03/2023 14:18

I really feel for you OP and would definitely be upset in your shoes

I don't have the closest of relationships with my parents but feel pretty confident that if I ever needed somewhere to stay short term then I would be welcomed with open arms

I can't imagine ever refusing to help my adult DC out when they needed it

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/03/2023 14:20

It's a shame but I think having a grown up child plus a grandchild moving in for an unspecified amount of time is a massive upheaval.

What happens if it takes you months or even a year or more to find another place to live? That's a huge imposition even though you are their child.

If you could guarantee it was only a couple of weeks or a month that would be different.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 08/03/2023 14:22

StopFeckingFaffing · 08/03/2023 14:18

I really feel for you OP and would definitely be upset in your shoes

I don't have the closest of relationships with my parents but feel pretty confident that if I ever needed somewhere to stay short term then I would be welcomed with open arms

I can't imagine ever refusing to help my adult DC out when they needed it

This.

My adult daughter is extremely annoying but I’d never say no if she needed my help.

seratoninmoonbeams · 08/03/2023 14:22

h0rsewithn0name · 08/03/2023 14:07

I have three adult children, and would have any of them with their children in a heartbeat. In fact I have. To be honest, I was kind of flattered that they wanted to come back home.

I agree with this. Who cares as long as it's helping them and loving them when they need it most. Can't believe some other reactions tbh. Believe me, I love my home and my own space and things to be how I like them but it would always apply.

Mumsanetta · 08/03/2023 14:22

As someone said above, you reap what you sow. If this is their stance when you’re at your lowest I would be very reluctant to help them in the future. As a parent, I like to think I will always be there for my child when they need me. I would caveat this with the assumption that you were not abusive to your parents when you lived with them as of course that might make them hesitant.

Jenna0 · 08/03/2023 14:23

It's cold of them.

RunTowardsTheLight · 08/03/2023 14:23

YANBU to feel sad about this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 14:23

YANBU for being disappointed. How long would you have wanted to stay there?

Surely it’s less upheaval for your DC, and you, to move once, straight from your current home to your new one, rather than via a third place at your parents.

Are you looking at rentals at the moment?

InfluencerHag · 08/03/2023 14:23

Hmm. I completely understand why you're upset, but I don't think they're unreasonable either.

By a short amount of time do you mean 1-3 months? Or up to 3 years?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/03/2023 14:23

God thats pretty cold isn't it. Hopefully they have another child who can provide care for them as they age.

SimplySipping · 08/03/2023 14:23

I completely understand that this would be upsetting. You've just had one big rejection and this must feel like another one.

It is a shame financially but I actually think toddlers will be less phased by moving with you to a rented house than moving in with GPs. We've moved house with toddlers and they haven't batted an eyelid - they need you, and some familiar things, they don't care about the rooms being different. Whereas squeezing you all into a 3 bed with GPs who are used to occupying all the space would change their day to day life a lot more. Lots of stuff they mustn't touch, things everywhere that aren't theirs, different mealtimes, rules and expectations around food, potentially watching you disagree with your parents about discipline and expectations. I know it's not what you want, but I think it would be mentally easier for them in a rented house or flat with you where you are in sole charge.

Of course that does not make it easy for you, either mentally for financially.

Barannca · 08/03/2023 14:24

I would let my adult child and their DC move in without question. It wouldn't be easy but I would never say no and nether would DH.

Is this unusual behaviour from your parents? If so I wonder if something else going on? Could one of your parents be ill?

LulooLemon · 08/03/2023 14:24

nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there

This is ridiculous. They still see you as a teenager.

Cornelious2011 · 08/03/2023 14:26

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

This is most mu experience. Over the years ago my parents had 3 adult dc and their spouse and dc (and dogs) move in with them. This was due to either one dc relocating home, and the other 2 doing significant renovations on their home. We each stayed between 2-3 months each. They loved have a busy house again.

Within my friend group it has also been common and 3 of my friends stayed with parents for a period of time. Always the females family though. We're in Ireland and I think ime families have more of an open door policy.

FilthyforFirth · 08/03/2023 14:28

My grandad is a tight, grumpy, racist (my siblings and I are mixed race) and even he took my mum in when my parents got divorced. She had to pay him a fortune, cook our own food, she slept on the couch etc, but he did 'help' (I'm quite bitter about how he treated my mother and us). Really poor form from your parents.

howmanybicycles · 08/03/2023 14:29

My dad just said no to a small request for help from me at a time of extreme need when he was free and well (not financial). It is yet another wedge in our relationship. I think I'd be hurt too OP. It IS personal so of course you take it personally. I think in terms of how you move on, you just have to accept that they don't want to help you with this. Don't invest more in the relationship than they do. Spend time with friends or others who make you feel valued.

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 14:31

I think I’d be ok if one of my adult DC needed to move back in for a short while (my eldest DC is 34) but I don’t think I’d like an adult DC and their DC to move in. For something like an emergency such as their place gets flooded I’d be ok but not as part of the plan after selling a home before moving to the next one.
I would definitely help financially as I do now but I think sharing my home with DGC and DC would be not be something I’d like to do.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 08/03/2023 14:31

nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there

Take that as a sign that they still see you as a child; and it'd never work you living there with your child.

It is cold, and I appreciate that they aren't showing you support when you are feeling absolutely unsupported; and that really shakes the parental relationship. It feels like a stark change when you realise that they aren't there for you. That's absolutely normal but also a big "new" upset, on top of the divorce you don't want. You can reflect on how much you'd be willing to put yourself out should they need help in the future down the line.

That said, you have to accept this one. Rent, if you need to. Don't fight about it and what-ifs in your head, because it's a necessity.

You're going to be okay.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 08/03/2023 14:32

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask for their help but I can understand why they might be reluctant (though not the ridiculous ‘plate’ reason!):

  1. relationships can be irretrievably altered/damaged if fall out
  2. different needs - toddlers need lots of toys/activities and make a mess, they might like an orderly house and no extra work
  3. worries about having to supervise your toddler more than they want to
  4. Concerns about bedtimes/peace and quiet/what time you will be up
  5. concerns about different standards of tidiness/cleanliness/house rules
As it is such an urgent and traumatic situation for you though surely these could be openly communicated beforehand and some boundaries out in place. Perhaps worth trying to negotiate with them and understand their fears? There might be a way to section off part of the house so they still have their privacy and you your own space for example?
Knitterofcrap · 08/03/2023 14:34

They are being arseholes. I am very set in my ways, living alone in a one bedroom house but I would do this for my adult dc, no question.

I would say that’s fine. You are now looking at relocating to “far far away place” as can’t afford to rent locally.

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 14:34

I can see why you are upset. However it’s clearly not going to work given their attitude. Also I too find it a bit precious to say I’m not going to waste my own money on rent, sorry but that is my gut reaction. I hope everything works out, tbf you are getting a bit ahead of yourself at the moment. You hopefully won’t need their help. I understand at the moment everything is up in the air for you

billy1966 · 08/03/2023 14:37

That's very hurtful.

I could understand if thdy pushed back if you wanted to make it a permanent move, but I honestly cannot imagine ever saying no to any of my children that were stuck and so blindsided by the break up.

I don't know how you move forward either.

Could your ex take your child as his parents are supportive?
I imagine it would be difficult but at least you could look for a room somewhere whilst you firm up your living arrangements.

I'm so sorry.

mamnotmum · 08/03/2023 14:37

That's very hard but you need to respect that they have said no. It's their home and their decision.

They might regularly host swinging parties or have orgys in their living room twice a week that they don't want you there for. Alternatively they might just love the peace and quiet and love having your toddler for short periods but be exhausted afterwards.

Whatever their reasons - they've said no. It's going to be tough for you but hopefully you'll find somewhere to buy quickly.

Conkersinautumn · 08/03/2023 14:37

Ideally they would. But I've parents that aren't interested in helping out so this is all too believable. I'm sorry you've not got the support, keep this very clear in your mind when they're expecting you to fork out or provide care in a few years.

2020nymph · 08/03/2023 14:37

That's harsh and I can see why you're upset. I would remember this if they ever needed help.

My DSis has moved back in with our parents a number of times, actually not sure she even asked.