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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 08/03/2023 15:40

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It must be heartbreaking.

But, I'm with your parents here. It would be one thing if you had nowhere else to go. I'm sure your parents would take you in if them not doing so would result in you being homeless or having to go to a shelter. But that's a very different scenario.

Your parents are under no obligation to house you just because you don't want to pay rent. (Sounds like you wouldn't even offer to pay them rent?) And how would moving from your current home to your parent's home and then to a permanent home be any less of an upheaval than moving from your current home to a rental property then to a permanent home?

Your parents have raised their children. As much as they (hopefully) love you and their grandchild, I can completely understand them not wanting a toddler living in their house.

TheHouseNextDoor · 08/03/2023 15:41

I'd be upset too, especially because for most adults, moving back into their parents home would be the very last thing they would want to happen.

I wouldn't be throwing a party if my children needed to move back in, but I'd certainly welcome them back with open arms.

Octopusmittens · 08/03/2023 15:42

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 14:02

Try not to take it personally, I think most parents wouldn't be overly pleased if their adult children moved back in with them.

Speak for yourself

Summerpetal · 08/03/2023 15:42

Remember this when they are old and expect you to care for them.
I would definitely not buy or rent anywhere near them ,under the expectation they will help u.
they clearly will not .
your parents have shown u who they are ,you need to make your plans accordingly

Wbeezer · 08/03/2023 15:42

Yes your parents are being a bit mean, I'm not surprised your upset. My in-laws did it for me and DH when we were relocating and buying and we returned the favour for them a few years later and my parents did the same for my sister and my brother when they were moving to our home town from far away. I expect I'll end up doing the same with my kids at some point

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2023 15:43

I agree that without a definite end date, they might worry that you won't be in a hurry to find somewhere else and then it becomes awkward. I do childcare for my DD, but most definitely need a break and adult telly etc. Perhaps if you had found a house to buy and your DH was taking the toddler weekends, or 50/50 then they might consider it. I think that you are being unfair. If you were in financial need, then yes, but you can't expect to be housed because you don't want to spend money on rent.

Thekirit · 08/03/2023 15:44

I don’t understand why
If you’re selling your house why can’t find somewhere to live by the time it’s sold.
Thats what most people do. If the sales are at different times you just get the solicitors to agree to the same day.

I haven’t been in this situation as a parent but I think I’d be asking my child to be more organised.

Would I want a toddler sharing living spaces all the time…..no. I’ve finished with that.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 15:44

Anonymous48 · 08/03/2023 15:40

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It must be heartbreaking.

But, I'm with your parents here. It would be one thing if you had nowhere else to go. I'm sure your parents would take you in if them not doing so would result in you being homeless or having to go to a shelter. But that's a very different scenario.

Your parents are under no obligation to house you just because you don't want to pay rent. (Sounds like you wouldn't even offer to pay them rent?) And how would moving from your current home to your parent's home and then to a permanent home be any less of an upheaval than moving from your current home to a rental property then to a permanent home?

Your parents have raised their children. As much as they (hopefully) love you and their grandchild, I can completely understand them not wanting a toddler living in their house.

they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc

The OP wrote this in her first post.

Threeboysandadog · 08/03/2023 15:44

I wouldn’t really want dsd and dgs moving in with us but I would never say that and would make them welcome if they were in your situation. Once a parent, always a parent. It would change the way I felt about my parents in this situation.

Bunnyishotandcross · 08/03/2023 15:46

My adult dd moved in for a month. We gave up our bedroom and dh isn't her df! He hired a van and brought her stuff here! Your own dps are shocking imo op.
It would be a grudge I held onto
.

TheOrigRights · 08/03/2023 15:46

My divorce took 3 years. 3 years of misery.
I loved my parents, but I think me moving in with them for the duration would have put a huge strain on every aspect of our relationship, as well as the wider family. I leaned on my good friends a great deal.

As it was, they were dead before I got divorced and my ILs who I am closer to than my ex ever was, were in denial that anything was wrong. In denial until ex started treating them in many of the ways he had treated me (because he couldn't do it to me anymore).

It was awful and has made me tougher but with a wall that is hard to knock down through fear of putting myself in a vulnerable position.

Zebedee55 · 08/03/2023 15:47

You can rent. Best do that.

Spanielsarepainless · 08/03/2023 15:47

A friend with school-age children recently split from her philandering husband, but can stay in the family home until the younger child finishes full-time education. Might that be an option rather than rushing to sell?

Kennykenkencat · 08/03/2023 15:47

Friends helped us out for a few weeks when we were between houses.

If friends can offer then loving parents should be able to.
(I don’t have any family and dh’s live miles away. Too far to commute)

I think it is things like this that open your eyes to where you stand with family members.

I couldn’t honestly consider not throwing my home open to a dc and gc who was going through an upheaval.

Who knew leaving your plates in your room at 15 would cost you thousands in rent later on

Kabalagala · 08/03/2023 15:50

That's absolutely shit of them. I could understand them putting a time limit, but to outright say no is so sad. Yes it's no fun having extra people and a messy toddler in your house, but relationships with only thr fun easy don't exist. Remember this when they're elderly.
Besides, the rental market is nuts at the moment. It might be harder than you think to find a place.

connie26 · 08/03/2023 15:53

My parents would have helped me in a heartbeat. So sorry OP. I hope you get sorted.

Anonymous48 · 08/03/2023 15:55

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 15:44

they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc

The OP wrote this in her first post.

Show quote history

She also said she doesn't want to waste money on rent.

nosyupnorth · 08/03/2023 15:55

Sure a lot of people in this thread are saying they'd welcome a doubling of the number of people in their home with open arms, but I wonder how many of them would change their tune when faced with reality.

Here's the thing OP, it's not that you have nowhere to go and they won't help you in your time of need, you just think renting is a waste of money. In an emergency I'd hope they'd help out, but not wanting an adult and toddler underfoot simply because you're being cheap is totally reasonable for them.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 08/03/2023 15:57

YANBU OP. I think my parents would help in a similar situation, even though it would probably would be tricky to live together as independent adults. I would be hurt and surprised and wouldn't forget if they needed help.

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 15:58

Anonymous48 · 08/03/2023 15:55

She also said she doesn't want to waste money on rent.

Show quote history

That wasn't the OP's name.

wagnbobble · 08/03/2023 15:59

Its hard isn't it, when you see other parents working as a team with their adult children to still support each other. I havent needed to move back, but it was made very obvious by my parents once I moved out and had kids, that their support would be on their terms. Id love to say that when they both got dementia and needed help I was able to walk away, but I couldnt and my life has been impossible for the last 9 years sorting them out. You are of course upset and naturally need help at an awful time.

Anonymous48 · 08/03/2023 16:00

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 15:58

That wasn't the OP's name.

Show quote history

What do you mean?

fUNNYfACE36 · 08/03/2023 16:01

LulooLemon · 08/03/2023 14:24

nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there

This is ridiculous. They still see you as a teenager.

I would love to hear their side.Maybe they think if ,as an adult, you wouldn't even bring plates downstairs when that was all you were responsible for, they fear they are going to get dumped with childcare and the extra cooking and cleaning for 2 more people

Zilla1 · 08/03/2023 16:02

I don't understand their attitude.

When you are settled, I'd be tempted to deadpan enquire how on earth you could try and reassure them concerning your previous bad behaviour concerning bedroom crockery defiance as they didn't give you the opportunity to show improved responsibility by moving in.

Good luck.

Let's hope you don't end up harbouring lifelong concerns if your DC also demonstrate bedroom crockery issues or at least you are able to think of less bonkers reasons for things you don't want to do for family.

whumpthereitis · 08/03/2023 16:07

You do have other options. You don’t want to pay rent, but presumably you have the ability to. They don’t want the stress and upheaval to their lives when they know you have other avenues open to you.

I’m not sure why withholding elder care as a ‘fuck you’ is a threat. They may not want OP to act as a carer, and have the means to provide for themselves.