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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 08/03/2023 14:39

It is hard to comment on an individual case. I feel sorry for OP and realise she is in a predicament that her parents could help to minimise...........

I live in the family home with my partner. From time to time my children have returned home to live with me until their circumstances change. I have room.

Thank goodness I am not precious about my house because toddlers do cause damage to furnishings and other things. Toddlers are hard work and the whole house gets affected by living with one. Things get worn out and broken. Toddlers are also noisy !
My things have been used and I have had to bite my tongue - a lot! There are times I have not bitten my tongue and we have had fallouts.
I will be selling my house withing the next year or so and obviously downsizing.
This is for two reasons - one is economical and the other is to subtly tell my children enough is enough. There will always be a place here should they need it, but not for a long time.
I like my independence, I like my home to be clean and I get fed up of people who seem to think they can do what they like because children always reverty to being children when they come back home for some reason :)
I understand why OP parents have refused, but I feel sorry for OP too as I would have caved and let her stay and lived to regret it

roarfeckingroarr · 08/03/2023 14:41

That's really sad OP. I hope they understand that they will reap what they sow.

FrownedUpon · 08/03/2023 14:41

Having a toddler in the house is chaotic. They don’t want it, so have been honest with you. Most people don’t really want their adult children back home.

CovertImage · 08/03/2023 14:44

Intergalacticcatharsis · 08/03/2023 14:06

Yes, most loving parents would help.

When their time comes and they need help and care, remember that they were not there for you in your time of need.

For fuck's sake! They were possibly "there" for her from 0 years to - what - 18? 22?

I love this popular MN idea of stick it to parents when they're proper old, unless they do exactly what you want NOW. Pathetic

bigbluebus · 08/03/2023 14:45

I would do it for mine (but I haven't managed to get rid of them permanently in the first place yet!)

But your parents clearly have reservations and have come up with some fairly feeble excuses to justify their feelings.

I'm not really sure why you can't just buy a property straight away though rather than moving twice. The fact that you're separating doesn't really stop you from buying as I assume you've agreed how any equity will be split already.

whoruntheworldgirls · 08/03/2023 14:45

Sorry OP, I'd be hurt too, it's mean, i hope you get sorted Flowers
I'd always welcome my daughter back home if she needed to return, and i know my parents would be the same if i needed to go stay with them

Peachy2005 · 08/03/2023 14:45

Most parents would do it at least short-term. Maybe they are more worried because it’s for an indefinite length of time and they are worried you might stay for too long!

I voted YABU because why would you want to stay where you are not welcome…but YANBU to feel a bit upset about it.

Barannca · 08/03/2023 14:46

Most people don’t really want their adult children back home.
In my experience most parents have an open door policy for their adult children and grandchildren should they need it.
I can't understand any parent who would turn their back on their child like this.

UdoU · 08/03/2023 14:47

Justforlaffs · 08/03/2023 14:04

This. Remember how they didn't throw you a lifeline when you were at your lowest when they are older and need you to run around after them.

Show quote history

Agree 💯

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 14:47

The fact DH is going to move in with his parents is not the same. You have a child with you. This is very different to asking if they can look after child for a short time. They may well imagine you there for a long time.
Children for grandparents can be very wearing indeed. They will be worn out. The older they are the more they will feel it. You do need to try and see things from their perspective as much as from your own.
Life is hard at the moment and you will need to find your feet and a new place to live. If this is scary then ask for their help to do so.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/03/2023 14:47

It’s hurtful for them to say no when you’re going through such a difficult time but it absolutely is their prerogative. Perhaps they worried there wouldn’t be an end point and you would end up staying for a long time.

Companyofwolves · 08/03/2023 14:48

Do they understand that it’s money driving you asking to stay? Do they know that you will really struggle financially if you rent? Is this the case? It does feel very cold of them. Do they truly appreciate the financial aspect of this? Would they consider helping you with rent (if they are in a position to?)

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 08/03/2023 14:52

I can't say I'd be thrilled with the prospect of a toddler at home now but no way would I say no, especially in your circumstances.

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 14:53

Companyofwolves · 08/03/2023 14:48

Do they understand that it’s money driving you asking to stay? Do they know that you will really struggle financially if you rent? Is this the case? It does feel very cold of them. Do they truly appreciate the financial aspect of this? Would they consider helping you with rent (if they are in a position to?)

She has not said she would really struggle financially. Just that she would not want to waste money on a rental.
She will likely have half the sale proceeds of her home.
As she has a child she might want to get legal advice about moving out timescales etc.

GenuinelyDone · 08/03/2023 14:53

As much as the disruption would be really bad for my mother and it'd be a tight squeeze I know that she'd let me and the children stay with her as a temporary measure or to stop us being homeless.

However, despite having 4 spare bedrooms MIL wouldn't consider homing my husband if he needed it.

I do judge parents who have the means to help their children and don't (I'm not talking about abusive offspring, just ordinary ones). Your parents have made a bold statement by rejecting you. They are also rejecting your reciprocal support in the future.

Best of luck with everything Flowers

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/03/2023 14:54

I would have any of ours back if they needed.

My dm had me. However l have to say it did harm our relationship for ever.

Zippidydoda · 08/03/2023 14:55

Yes that does seem a bit harsh.
I’d sooner live in a tent than with my parents, but they would have me in a heart beat if I asked to stay.

I could understand them wanting to limit how long you were there for, as likely it will be stressful, but to outright say no feels harsh.

I can imagine it going to be hard to sell and buy without a gap in between. Rents round by me are really high compared to mortgages and even with that houses are going as soon as they are put up for rent.

it is their choice at the end of the day. But yes I’d be disappointed too.

GloriousGoosebumps · 08/03/2023 14:58

Do you have any siblings? Would your parents be equally opposed to your siblings moving back in with them? Or is it just you they have a problem with?

Given their response, you really do need to aim to sell and purchase simultaneously. It's what most people do so perfectly possible.

NoSquirrels · 08/03/2023 15:02

The thing is, you’ve asked them in advance for a problem that hasn’t happened yet. If it were the case that you had a 2-month gap between selling and buying a new place, or something fell through at the last moment, or whatever, I’m sure they’d be there for you. But you’ve asked an open-ended favour and I think it’s OK they say no, that wouldn’t work for us - at least this way you can plan.

I’m sorry it’s made you feel unsupported, though. That’s fair enough. But try to remember they love you anyway. Flowers

HeadNorth · 08/03/2023 15:03

I am so sorry OP. My parents had many faults (affair, messy divorce, new marriages in double quick time) but I like to think either one of them would have allowed me to stay temporarily in those circumstances. OK, there is a question mark over my mum's husband, but I think even he would cave, given the young child and the desperately sad situation.

They have let you down big time, both practically and emotionally, which must hurt so much when you are vulnerable already. You know where they stand now, if and when they are in a position of vulnerability in the future. My feelings would not be the same after this let down.

Intergalacticcatharsis · 08/03/2023 15:03

The OP is feeling very low and rejected, has a young child and works full time. She has acknowledged she is worrying for her child and her mental health. Any good parent would be there for her and make her feel loved and welcomed in every possible way.
I think I would write them a letter outlining your feelings OP and drop it by. Perhaps they haven’t appreciated how low you are feeling and are caught up in their lives and routine too much and just fearful of rocking their little boat.

Greensleeves · 08/03/2023 15:03

I think that's awful of them. It's understandable that they wouldn't be thrilled at the idea - not everybody is keen to return to the days when home life revolved around a toddler, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying your peace and quiet. For them to privilege those feelings over the fact that their daughter and grandchild need them is appallingly selfish. I can imagine grimacing a bit in their situation. I can't imagine telling my heartbroken daughter to find somewhere else to stay.

As a pp said, don't forget this when the time comes for them to want your time and support.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/03/2023 15:04

Barannca · 08/03/2023 14:46

Most people don’t really want their adult children back home.
In my experience most parents have an open door policy for their adult children and grandchildren should they need it.
I can't understand any parent who would turn their back on their child like this.

You're not "turning your back" on your adult child just because you don't want them (plus their own child) to come and live with you for an unspecified amount of time.

I suspect if it was a case of moving in for two weeks between selling and buying, or waiting until the 1st of the month for the rental to become available that would be different, but who's to say how long OP will need to stay once she's moved back

A week? Two weeks? Six months? Two years? It's a big ask and a big upheaval for everyone involved.

BelindaBears · 08/03/2023 15:08

I’m not surprised you’re upset. But playing devil’s advocate, you are asking them a theoretical question at this point, having not yet attempted to either buy or rent anywhere. Perhaps they don’t want to discourage you to actually do that? A 3 bed house would be a bit of a squeeze for 3 adults and a toddler when 2 adults have been used to living there alone, and I can imagine they’d want it to be short term only, and don’t want you to not make an effort to find somewhere else to make a proper new home for yourself and your child.

As I said though, I understand why you’re upset and it’s a bit mean of them.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/03/2023 15:12

They probably have experience of friends who've gone through it where it lasted longer than intended.

It's easy to find a target for your anger and frustration from the breakup, but they are entitled to decide how they live.

Better for them to be truthful than have resentment once you've moved in.

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