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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:30

*you're

Livinginanotherworld · 08/03/2023 14:30

It’s nothing to do with your friend judging on the use of food banks.
I can’t understand why your partner can’t work full time ? Or an extra evening job ? You say you go to bed early, why would that exclude him from getting a bar job in the evenings ? Hospitality is crying out for staff at the moment, he would pick up something easily I’m sure. Part time unless you are ill or recovering is a luxury choice, he needs to do more hours until you are up to it.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:32

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:07

Agreed. It’s infuriating but she has the support of the others doing the same.

Show quote history

What others doing the same?

I've never used a foodbank in my life and think it's abhorrent that they're necessary.

I don't begrudge those that need them using them though.

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:32

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:27

Where are you getting that it’s across two weeks?

Show quote history

Because OP said he works Saturday & Sunday and Monday & Tuesday but said these are part time hours that he will increase in September. That to me suggests they are his shift patterns every other week. Surely the OP is aware that 37 hours is full time otherwise?!

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unreal!!!!

Birdsbirdsbirds · 08/03/2023 14:34

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:32

Because OP said he works Saturday & Sunday and Monday & Tuesday but said these are part time hours that he will increase in September. That to me suggests they are his shift patterns every other week. Surely the OP is aware that 37 hours is full time otherwise?!

Show quote history

You know that Monday Tuesday Saturday and Sunday happen every week, don't you?

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:34

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:10

If you can’t afford childcare then why have two children?

Now you just are being fucking stupid and goady.

Circumstances change. It wouldn't take much for many of us to be in the same boat.

Who knows what the future holds when you have children?

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:34

Some of us are raising children that expect to become self sufficient healthy young people that are problem solvers, resilient and inventive. We have to be the example as they grow up. They learn from us how to make overcome challenges, difficulties.

We show them to how to step up, I support personal responsibility and model for them capable adults.

I am leaving this thread, not because there is a vast difference in values but because I simply do not, and will never support the abuse of food banks and benefits.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:35

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:32

Because OP said he works Saturday & Sunday and Monday & Tuesday but said these are part time hours that he will increase in September. That to me suggests they are his shift patterns every other week. Surely the OP is aware that 37 hours is full time otherwise?!

Show quote history

But…you’ve just made that up.

Maybe the OP didn’t realise as it could be split over two jobs, for all we know, or maybe because it’s condensed into four days, she thought that counted as part time.

If you take what she said, he works 37 hours over four days. Then he supports the OP and acts as childcare the rest of the time.

People making things up to suit their own prejudices here is not particularly helpful.

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:35

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:35

But…you’ve just made that up.

Maybe the OP didn’t realise as it could be split over two jobs, for all we know, or maybe because it’s condensed into four days, she thought that counted as part time.

If you take what she said, he works 37 hours over four days. Then he supports the OP and acts as childcare the rest of the time.

People making things up to suit their own prejudices here is not particularly helpful.

Show quote history

Sorry where have I made it up? I thought OP repeatedly stated her DP is part time and works part time hours?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:36

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:34

Some of us are raising children that expect to become self sufficient healthy young people that are problem solvers, resilient and inventive. We have to be the example as they grow up. They learn from us how to make overcome challenges, difficulties.

We show them to how to step up, I support personal responsibility and model for them capable adults.

I am leaving this thread, not because there is a vast difference in values but because I simply do not, and will never support the abuse of food banks and benefits.

Well, you’re certainly inventive.

Enjoy the rest of you ‘snow day’. 😆

BadNomad · 08/03/2023 14:36

@Autumndays123 she also said he works every weekend.

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:36

Birdsbirdsbirds · 08/03/2023 14:34

You know that Monday Tuesday Saturday and Sunday happen every week, don't you?

Show quote history

You know OP said her DP works part-time, don't you?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:37

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:35

Sorry where have I made it up? I thought OP repeatedly stated her DP is part time and works part time hours?

Show quote history

She did say part time. But she also said:

Dh works sat 8-6, sun 9-4, Mon 8-6 and tues 8-6.

I work wed, Thu, Fri 930-4

Which, suggests he works weekends, Mondays and Tuesdays. Not that he works a weekend sometimes and a Monday and a Tuesday sometimes.

It suggests they split the seven-day week between them for work.

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:38

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:35

But…you’ve just made that up.

Maybe the OP didn’t realise as it could be split over two jobs, for all we know, or maybe because it’s condensed into four days, she thought that counted as part time.

If you take what she said, he works 37 hours over four days. Then he supports the OP and acts as childcare the rest of the time.

People making things up to suit their own prejudices here is not particularly helpful.

Show quote history

So you're implying the OP is stupid? But unfair to be honest. I've yet to meet an adult you thinks 37 hours is part time. You don't need to infantilise the OP, it's unnecessary

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:41

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:38

So you're implying the OP is stupid? But unfair to be honest. I've yet to meet an adult you thinks 37 hours is part time. You don't need to infantilise the OP, it's unnecessary

Show quote history

Eh? That’s an unfair reach. I’m not implying that at all. I just said maybe she didn’t realise as it was spread over two roles/condensed etc.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:43

I've yet to meet an adult you thinks 37 hours is part time

Work that into every conversation with every adult you meet, do you?

You might want to take it up with @Springchicken75 and gang, because they’re adamant it’s not full time.

Dobby123456 · 08/03/2023 14:43

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:41

Eh? That’s an unfair reach. I’m not implying that at all. I just said maybe she didn’t realise as it was spread over two roles/condensed etc.

Show quote history

I think we've got the picture clear here. The OP said 'part time' because there are a number of days when her dh is at home during the week. What she actually meant was 'condensed days' as he condenses a full working week into a few days. It was an easy mistake to make.

ShinyHappyTits · 08/03/2023 14:45

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 13:28

I am sick and tired of the entitlement on this thread (and others)

Perhaps you should try volunteering at a foodbank. It might open your eyes to the fact that not everything is as clear-cut as it seems to be to you. I used to have a little of the ‘why can’t they just work more instead of expecting the state to provide’ attitude, then I started working at one.
People’s lives are complicated and difficult. I’m sure that the op would desperately love to not be in this position.

Instead of posting ever more crossly and winding everyone up, (including yourself, clearly) why not treat yourself to a break from Mumsnet and dwell on how fortunate you are to be gainfully employed and not needing and kind of assistance?

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 14:47

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:34

Some of us are raising children that expect to become self sufficient healthy young people that are problem solvers, resilient and inventive. We have to be the example as they grow up. They learn from us how to make overcome challenges, difficulties.

We show them to how to step up, I support personal responsibility and model for them capable adults.

I am leaving this thread, not because there is a vast difference in values but because I simply do not, and will never support the abuse of food banks and benefits.

You might be raising 'problem' solvers but you certainly aren't passing on empathy, kindness and understanding.

MadeofElephantStone · 08/03/2023 14:51

If you need to use the food bank right now, OP, then use it and don't feel guilty, it is what it's there for. Look after yourself in line with the advice of your doctor so that you can get well enough to work more when you can. It is great that you and DH are a team in supporting each other and the kids through this difficult time, if this is the set up you need to support you in getting better, then I don't see any issue with that, you didn't choose to become ill. Please take care and make sure you are getting all of the help you need for you and your children.

Honestly, the privilege and ignorance of some people on this thread is horrific.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 08/03/2023 14:53

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:36

You know OP said her DP works part-time, don't you?

Show quote history

I think she meant "not every day".

WiIson · 08/03/2023 14:58

Really it just highlights that wages are not high enough to live on. Between the op and her dp, they work 7 days per week which is more than one full time job but obviously less than two full time jobs. Generally I think it's better for children to be able to stay at home with one parent if it's possible. Back when I was younger, it totally was possible for one parent (almost always the husband) to work and the other (usually the mother) to stay at home with the kids. People weren't rich, they were generally quite poor, but there was enough to pay for bills / food / rent. I think we have been really screwed over where it's just not possible to survive without the full wages of two people and the kids in child care. It's totally shit really.

midlifecrash · 08/03/2023 14:58

Twiglets1 · 08/03/2023 06:08

Take no notice of people being judgemental including so called “friends”

This. And anyone saying you should work more hours than you have capacity/ cover for. Talk about missing the point

WiIson · 08/03/2023 14:59

And if the op has been unwell, then she is exactly the sort of person the benefits system should be there for as a safety net.

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