For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

Where have you pulled that from? I’ve skimmed through her posts again and that’s not mentioned it only that he needs to be there to so she can go to bed early?

Shes clearly well enough to work 3 days a week and looks after her kids for the rest of the time so I’m sure she’s well enough to cope with 4 more hours of looking after her children to let her partner work those hours.

Again, you’re all ignoring what would happened if the food bank help stops and there was no food to feed the children. What would your advice be then? This is the risk that’s being taken with relying on food banks for another 7/8 months- could stop at any moment.

I can't work out if some of the posters on here at thick, heartless or both.

.... you've literally just said it.

And clearly she can't just fucking manage, otherwise she already would be. Are you a bit dense?

I'm not ignoring it. It's unlikely. I don't have any suggestions, theyre in a bad situation ffs. I'm not going to make suggestions that aren't doable for them and berate them for it, or suggest they can clearly cope, when it's been advised they can't, actually.

Your suggestions are useless because they're not workable.

Local nursery where I am is £70 a day so they'd be £18 worse off.

His part time availability, well Saturday, Monday and Tuesday he is working from 8 till 6, presumably he has do boring stuff like wash/dress/grab something to eat and travel time to work and back and needs a meal so he could possibly start another job at 8, can't do many hours as he has to be up at maybe 6 am the next morning, oh forgive me he can have a lie in till 7 on Sunday. Can't really work on days OP is working as he is looking after the kids when she's at work and when she has to rest when she gets home.

He might get a bar shift on the Saturday but they'd probably want him to work till 1 or 2 am if pubs and clubs round here are anything to go by which won't work with his job the next day, Monday and Tuesday harder to get a shift (GS currently trying.)

I'm sure you can come up with a better schedule.

Jesus fucking Christ. Honestly oh she can cope. no! The whole point of this thread is that she can't, they're doing what they need to do to cope, and they've hit hard times.

This situation will not be solved with cries of "work more you lazy shits" which clearly is all a lot of mners can offer.

At least offer some fucking empathy.

Oh well if you're sure about what she can do you can sort it out easily can't you.

I'm going for both.

@Pink39tree I agree that an extra 52 pounds a week could make a huge difference but the OP did say that on the days she works ( wed-friday) she needs to rest after work to be able to work at all , because of her health it is doubtful that she could care for kids from 4-7.30 she said she went to bed after work, she is obviously slowly improving and hopes to be either well enough to up her hours or well enough to do more childcare
for me I think the best Option is for DH to try and work during the day on either wednesday or friday so the kids can be in school or childcare it would depend on him earning enough to pay for that childcare as it may not gain much if child care is £4 an hour per child and he works 30 minutes away from 9-6 ( an hours lunch he will need childcare form 8.30 to 6.30 ie 10 hours at £4 for 2 children total £80, 8 hours at minimum wage roughly £80 - taxes so actually probably a loss as there will be a cost in getting to work and no extra money maybe the eldest child will get free hours but often these are set hours and don't include lunch the free hours for us were 9-12 and 1-4 for those getting 30 hours, or 9-12 if you got 15 free hours, they charged £5 for 12-1 and from 3-5 another £10 then they shut and you couldn't drop off before 8.55 so sometimes childcare isn't the easy answer
it is ridiculous that someone works 8 hours and after childcare costs they are actually in negative money or maybe thye have worked 8 hours and are about £10 better off an extra 8 hours only benefits if childcare and commuting costs are tiny
the other ideas are the DH trying to find something he can do during the day when OP works maybe from home that he can fit around nursery runs for free hours, but this kind of work is tricky to find

I feel I am missing something with some of the posts on here.

Op and her dh are both working 7 days a week between them.

Her dh Sat 8-6, Sun 9-4, Mon 8-6 & Tues 8-6 when she is parenting their children and probably also trying to recover from her accident.

Op works Wed, Thur & Fri 9.30-4pm when her dh is parenting their children.
When op gets home from work it sounds like she has dinner and then goes to bed early, as she is still recovering from her accident.

How would her dh be able to go out to work more hours? It's not like her 'helpful' family would offer childcare (hence the reason for their post in the first place), and her dhs parents live abroad.

@Notaskingmuch I don't think you are being unreasonable to use a food bank when you are struggling. That is what they are there for, people in need. As for your friend, why doesn't she help you if she feels so strongly about you using them?

Your friend was very unkind and judgemental - as pps have said you should just tell her that your family refuse to help so until you can increase your work hours in Sept, you unfortunately need the extra help.

Lots of people here being very unkind and judgemental too, you getting support that you need, and it is shameful that the social welfare is so inadequate that you need to use food banks, no shame at all in you needing to use them.

I totally believe that people should try and maximise their work hours in order to maximise their earnings if they are struggling.

I think the key here though is the op has been unwell, she has a time frame for working more hours, but at the present time she needs a bit of help. This is exactly the scenario where people should be able to use the support available to them, to enable them to get back on their feet again.

However what if like this poster just mentioned the food bank decides they don’t qualify or there is no food left what’s the plan then?

Our local food bank started only letting people have a few weeks and then have to have a week off claiming it, so people don't become dependent on it.
But I suppose people would just go to another one for that week then, if they were determined or desparate.

Donations are likely to drop off and demand increase with the cost of living crisis and especially the cost of food. I currently donate but am on a low income myself and it will have to stop in a few months as my family are likely to need help.

yes ii hardley ever donate any more as i do a minimum shop, not really a weekly shop any more, and food bank donation is not on my radar

@Pink39tree that isn’t actually how being ill works. Just because she can do X thing doesn’t mean she can also do Y thing. She has said she is at the limit of what she can physically do given her illness. She can’t magically get better because it’s inconvenient and she wants to do more child care!

OP has massively drip fed on a few notes. First complaint is her family won't help her and lend her £20. Then it was gone from both her and her DH working part time... so they don't pay childcare costs....when posters have questioned this she claims ill health issues.

I need to fully recover so that in sep/oct I can do more hours and maintain that rather than try too soon before fully recovered. I struggle with PT and just manage as I can rest in the evenings . My consultant has advised on time frames (plus two other similar posts).

• *Maybe don't skim next time, actually read it properly.

Claims? Who are you? The judge, jury and executioner?

I think it was more she was justifying it when the "work harder" gang turned up with the vile opinions.

Perhaps the OP shouldn’t drip feed.

Nevertheless it was there to read, and people didn't. That is not ops fault.

With average annual energy bills of £2,500 before government help of £400 people need to find that additional amount in addition to their extra food costs and increased rents. People need family time and also to be able to sleep and rest properly. My father had 2 jobs when I was small but my mother was home more with us as I'm in my 70's.

I feel like we are just going around in circles here but it's not vile to think that at least one of the parents work full time. It's just normal life for the majority of people and if they did they could pay for their own food rather than trusting that there will be food there for them to pick up every week. There may not always be food available to collect and then they are really screwed.

Nasty judgmental comments on this thread. Your DP is close to full time on those hours and sacrificing your weekends as a family which must be hard.

Your family sound unpleasant. Are your DSis any more supportive than your DM?

Hopefully come September things will be better.

No of course YANBU to use a foodbank when your family are wealthy and your friend is naive to assume that all parents would step in to help adult children.

A) he is almost working full time.
B) his wife is Ill and he has to look after his children probably more than your average man who works full time

Most peoples wives are not told by their consultant to work part time. Most people don't need to rest after work. Stop being so ableist and frankly dim.

The literal point is that they are struggling BECAUSE of this situation. Do you honestly think they've not considered working more? Really?

@Birdsbirdsbirds this is a public forum sweetie and I am entitled to my opinion just as much as you are. Who am I? The arragonance of you.

OP has drip fed massively. I'm also a single parent myself however I don't have to agree with you and we don't need to argue about that either!

My parents don't watch my child either! But I'm not so entitled to expect it from them...