To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

Speaking as an 18 year old, I think wanting her home at 10pm is going to make her not want to pay rent, and she might be wanting to save up her money to move out into her own place where she feels like she can have free will on when she comes home. But I do understand that if she's slamming doors at 3am and waking up your other children then that's really unfair. Heating wise, you can't expect her customers to be sitting in a freezing basement. Eating your food and not leaving enough for your younger kids isnt acceptable, so tell her she can have her boyfriend over more often if she agrees to buy food for them to eat. I think if she paid rent, maybe less than £100pw as that seems quite expensive if she's just doing hair, unless she is earning quite a lot? then I would relax on the other rules, explain that to her and if she still doesn't then explain that that's why she is expected to do what you currently ask.

It’s not working and is so far off working to be able to compromise. Yes of course she is taking the piss running her business for free not paying ANY rent, not sticking to the rules. Your DH needs to grow a backbone - she’s a 21 year old not a child anymore and it’s setting a bad example for all the other DC. I don’t see this resolving tbh the best thing would be for her to move out for everyone’s sake and her own, she needs to grow up and learn this isn’t how life works running between Mummy and Daddy to get what she wants.

I think £100 a week is very reasonable for all that, she's clearly earning, I doubt paying tax, and so is just taking the piss. You can't give her a curfew, but yes she does need to be considerate re noise etc. However it's really up to her father to man up and tell her to sort this out.

If she is serious about running a business then the finances for the business should be separated from yours. So council tax for the accommodation and the business, utility bills, personal liability insurance etc should be separate from your domestic charges and address. She needs to have her income tax registration , car tax, insurance etc also completely separated from your home address. There could be huge issues if the business goes bust and you have to prove you don’t have liability for any debts, she also needs to accept the responsibility of running her own business, which means expenses paying out as well as earnings coming in .

If her clients are only appearing between 5pm and 8pm the heating rule makes sense. Otherwise it's a bit mean. I don't follow the 10pm part. Adults do generally want to come and go beyond that time so that needs relaxing a little, although yes she should respect the fact you might have young ones asleep. Sorry OP, it's up to the DH to sort her out.

The heating has to be on and she has to contribute towards costs. However, you cannot give her a curfew! But when she comes home she has to be quiet. That would be the bit that would get me - waking everyone else up. This is about respect!

You need to re-examine this arrangement.

If it is as you originally stated that she has a studio apartment/ hair salon in your basement then she is absolutely able to come and go as she pleases, have whoever she wants over and put the heating on. BUT she needs to pay for it.

She also can't run a business if the customers aren't comfortable.

It seems like you are trying to control her as if she's a child because neither of you want to let her go.

I think you need to speak with your DH and decide what you both actually want and have agreed to before you tackle it with her.

It is time for her to move out. It will do you all a lot of good if you see each other socially but don't live together.

Looks like there are major faults on both sides

She can claim some rent as a business expense surely as she’s using it for work? She needs to learn to come home
quietly it’s not reasonable of you to expect her to stay out if she’s not back before 10pm.

YANBU about the rent.

She needs to move out. She can have the business, but she has to live elsewhere and she should be paying rent for the use of the basement. If you hear the boyfriend arrive, kick him out. Stop being a doormat and allowing your dh to be one too. Sorry, but you need to really enforce the basics eg rent, respect when coming in late (10pm curfew is ridiculous for a 21 year old) and boyfriend once a week only or he can start paying rent too!

@UlrikaUmbridge re the heating - have you considered a small portable heater in the basement? One that isn't a firerisk though.

This 100%

I think this is what happens when parents screw their children up through their own failings, and then attempt to make up for it by being too soft (sorry, OP).

Is your DH the father of the three younger children?

- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle

I doubt you have any idea whatsoever regarding how easy it is for a man to get custody of his children in the UAE and I suspect you’ve been told a load of nonsense about the goings on that led to him having custody. And shame on you for letting your comments regarding your husband having custody of his girls role off the end of your fingers so easily - it’s says everything about you and nothing about the ex wife.

Also, court cases can rumble on forever and a day just because of the admin involved and how the legal system works and that a long court case means nothing when it comes to the ins and outs of any particular divorce.

Loving maternal figure my backside.

I can’t see how any heater isn’t going to be a fire risk in the heavily carpeted hair covered basement to be honest! God I hope there is ventilation down there. Otherwise the salon gets grimmer and grimmer

I wouldn't want to sit there in a jumper while I was getting my hair done. She needs the temperature to be comfortable in there for her clients. That might mean she pays more rent to cover the extra cost. More generally, how can you have such strict rules about when to put the heating on? Doesn't it depend on the temperature inside your home rather than the time on the clock?

Your stepdaughter absolutely should be more considerate towards the rest of the family when coming home late. I don't think that means she should have a curfew.

It just gets worse. For it to be a long and protracted battle in the uae as a man he must've done something as often it's automatic to the father.

Carpets, thick ones, in an insulated basement, possibly without paying business rates/ council and mortgage approval or insurance, low heating, covered with hair?

I voted that you are being unreasonable @UlrikaUmbridge
Not because of the behaviour of the DSD, but because it's clearly not right that your basement is being turned into a hair salon.

It's unlikely this is legal- council approved?
Insured?

As the adults you and your P ought to know better.

You don't seem to be coming back - over 200 comments and only 2 from you.

But I hope if you are reading you will think about the legal side of a business from home and how your SD needs to do it properly. The basement would need to be inspected to conform with safety regs especially as she's using hot water and heated appliances.

She's not a mobile hairdresser. They go out to clients.

Sorry if this has been mentioned, I haven’t read the whole thread. But cold temperatures can affect the colouring/bleaching process so I can see why that would annoy her. Otherwise, I think you should both makes compromises.

It just gets worse. For it to be a long and protracted battle in the uae as a man he must've done something as often it's automatic to the father

No. It’s never automatic. Nowadays Women can and do challenge the tradition via the courts of children of a certain age going to the father. The fact the father got the children by no means indicates he was the better parent. It could even be that although there was a lot to be said about him providing the proof required by law wasn’t possible. It could even have been down to finances with the mum having to give up because she was out of money. The amount of bastard husbands in this part of the world who have custody of their children after long court cases when they shouldn’t be allowed to care for a hamster is shocking.

Then maybe she should contribute towards the energy bill.

Your rules are ridiculous!!! It is her home, stop being so controlling.

Completely agree - I don’t think there’s a purpose-built salon or studio flat in the basement. It’s probably a converted bedroom/bathroom that OP has oversold here into something more substantial to seem super generous.